MICHELLE5480's picture

How common is sleeping with the ex?

hello all, well Im divorced and my fiance is also divorced. We have two children each by our ex's. I personally cannot stand my ex but am very cordial and make all meeting very businesslike. My fiance on the other hand will stay over his ex's house for a couple hours and it makes me wonder,for a man is it easy to sleep with your ex and have no remore? Is that common with men and their ex wives?

Dawn's picture

It is possible, I guess

I guess it depends on how they parted ways. My husband can't stand his ex. She is kind of gross!! I think he wonders what he was thinking in the first place!!

However, I feel that if the guy has moved on and has a girlfriend/fiance/wife, he better darn tootin feel remorse!!!

Dawn

Stepmalla's picture

I've heard of it

In our case, neither of us can stand our exes. So not a concern here.

If either of us had slept with an ex after we started dating, we'd not have married each other. It's not ok with us.

Sweatheart's picture

Why would you ask that?

My husband can't stand his ex, he would never consider that. but my question to you is, do you have reason to think that he would actually do that, or are you jealous? I get extremely jealous sometimes, especailly when I am PMSing. You should ask yourself if you are being rational or not. If you are, then maybe you should try to talk to your fiance about it. Hope this helps

in10sitty's picture

I know someone who sleeps with her ex

A woman I work with found out her husband was having an affair. They separated but have not divorced. This has been about 5 years now. During the first 4 years, she ended up becoming the "other woman".

I think this was for a couple of reasons on her part. She wanted to still have that connection with him, she is just not ready to let go. She also wanted some control over this other woman in her husbands life. This has definately prevented her from moving on. I believe that this past year she has not allowed him these "booty calls".

For the husband? I really think that it's a "I want my cake and eat it too" type of situation.

So, can it happen? Of course. Do you talk to him about your concerns? What does he say he's doing?

My fiance has 4 children. He was over there till 2 a.m. the other day. I was livid. Seething mad. He was playing the Xbox with his oldest son and a bunch of his friends. I know how hours fly by when they play here. It wasn't that I was mad at him being at "her" house, it was how it made me look. Like I could picture her standing there laughing that "she had him and I was home ALONE." I hated that feeling.

I don't understand why they think it's ok to spend hours at their ex's house anyway? I think it's really mean to do to us. Doesn't it send mixed signals to the ex? The children? I'm confused on all that.

vhubnik's picture

Not OK

That is not ok, I am divorced and remarried now but when I divorced I kept sleeping with my ex for about 2 years. I think it is very common. That worked for my ex and I for awhile and then we moved on. I finally got married after 8 years and I am very aware that it can happen. My husband and I make sure that we are not caught in any of those situations. He was going over to her house like that and playing games, going to the park with the kids and her when he first got divorced but that has stopped. I am sure it has everything to do with me yelling. :0) Good Luck

Anonymous's picture

>>>I know how hours fly by

>>>I know how hours fly by when they play here. It wasn't that I was mad at him being at "her" house, it was how it made me look. Like I could picture her standing there laughing that "she had him and I was home ALONE." I hated that feeling. <<<

Then you are jealous. You feel like the "other woman" now that the shoe is on the other foot.

>>>I think it's really mean to do to us.<<<

How do you think us wives felt when it was "really mean to us"!!?

Anne Summers's picture

Hmm...Did I misread something?

You are implying that the poster you are responding to is married to her current husband as the result of an affair. Unless I missed something COMPLETELY, I did not read that from her post.

Funny thing, from reading your post you come off as a jealous, mistreated EX. I am sorry for you if your previous relationship ended with your husband leaving you for his mistress. However, remind yourself HE was the jerk that did it to you. He could have kept it in his pants and remained faithful to you. I curse the guy that made you bitter.

However, there is no reason to place every new wife in the stereotypical "You were his mistress" category. That is not fair to all of us, me included, that met our DHs and BFs AFTER their marriages ended in divorce with their EXs.

Although there are some new wives/husbands that cropped up out of an affair just like there are some fruit-loopy EXs in the world. Thus a bit of advice---Read the book before you critique it, my dear.

Take care,
Anne

"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat."

Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat.

Cindy's picture

I would be livid

if my hubby were at her house at all let alone until that time but I'm guessing your situation is probably different to ours. We have joint custody so dad time is spent with us and mom time with her and little in between except for school or sporting functions. There's a very definite line drawn, my hubby's ex wanted to be friends with him but not me i.e. she wanted my hubby at her beck and call under the guise of calling him her "best friend" but she said all kinds of nasty things to me or about me. I told my husband that he needed to choose his friends carefully because if he wanted to be friends with someone who disrespected me then I couldn't be with him, equally if my ex husband bad mouthed him I'd stand up for my husdband. The relationship is over and boundaries need to be set in a divorced situation. When a new relationship forms for either party the other must understand things cannot be a certain way, it's highly inappropriate, have your man play video games at your house.

in10sitty's picture

I was livid

Cindy,
I was so mad. He basically told me that if I had a problem with it, then he would pack and leave. He also said that if I didn't believe that he was over there, playing a game with his son, then I was calling him a "liar". ...like how dare I do something like that.

I said the same thing to him about playing the game at "our" house. He said that his 17 year old son had about 15 friends over, each who had brought their games to network together. He said he didn't "plan" on playing that night and only did so because when he left his 11 year old off after karate, his older son invited him to stay and play. He and his eldest son don't always see eye to eye, and I think he jumps at the chance to be with him. The ONLY thing he apologized to me for was for not calling when it got later then his normal arrival time. ....which is usually 10:30. I waited till 11:15 to call him (and I HATED having to do so). I was angry and yelled & him for not letting me know he was going to be late. That's when he advised me that he wouldn't be home till 1:30?? I said that I wasn't comfortable with that and did not find it acceptable. To which he replied, "Then I will pack my stuff and leave."

Nymh's picture

RE:

Grr, I get so pissed when they throw these little temper tantrums. If I was you I'd be like, "You do what you have to do, but it is important for you to know that I find this inappropriate and would appreciate at least a phone call if you are going to be late." If he packed his stuff, that just proves that he doesn't care about your feelings.

My BF used to be like this a lot...every little fight we had, he'd storm out and "leave". I used to follow him and try to understand what the heck is going through his head, but now I just ignore him. Now when we disagree I adopt a very businesslike, un-emotional mindset. I let him get all irrational and throw his fit, then when he calms down he sees how ridiculous he's been. He hardly ever "storms out" anymore. When he does he just goes outside and sits in this car until he realizes that he's being a jackass and comes back inside.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Cindy's picture

That's tough

Being the hotheaded one that I am I'd have told him his bags would be there waiting for him and they would have been, I can't really offer advice on that for you because I feel if he can't see that spending time at his ex's house especially until that time, even if it is with his son, is blatantly disrespecting you then I think he must lead his life with blinkers on. There's only so many chances you can give a guy - it's not about you calling him a liar, it's about him respecting your wishes and desires as the woman in his life, I mean if you took off with an ex how would your fiance feel? I guess for me I just feel that I've taken on a huge responsibility with my hubby's kids particularly when I have none of my own and that my willingness to do that comes with certain requests and boundaries, if you don't set the boundaries now you'll have many regrets and frustrations down the line, tell your guy how you feel without arguing, give him the chance to make it right and if he doesn't consider whether you really need to be with him. Harsh I know but being a stepparent does not mean being walked over by your man.

Anonymous's picture

I don't think

That I would even warn him his bags would be packed and outside. I'd just hang up, pack, and throw his bags into the street. Get the locks changed while I did it.

His behavior was unacceptable. End of story.

A friend of mine dealt with this, and had a wonderful tactic. When her husband went to "hang out with kids" at their mother's -- she'd have a handsome neighbor over. Husband would come home and find her (innocently enough) having coffee or playing cards with neighbor, after enjoying dinner together. She'd welcome him home pleasantly.

Next time he went to ex's house, same scenario. And handsome neighbor would ONLY come over when he was at ex's house.

Broke that dog from sucking eggs, let me tell you...

neudoll's picture

Loved your response! I had

I deleted the contents of this post. Sorry

QueenBee's picture

I would have told him "Great! How soon can you Leave"!

Why are you even questioning what to do???? He showed absolutely no respect for your feelings. You made it very clear to him that you were not comfortable with the situation. If he had a problem with it, he could have left, drove to your house and set some ground rules. His response was "what"? "I'll pack my stuff and leave", as far as I'm concerned he gave you notice......kick him to the curb!

Consider your future with this guy......Do you want a guy who respects you, or thinks he can walk over you? I am 42 yrs old, so I may sound harsher than the others, but I have seen a lot of games that people play and trust me when I say, his response sound like he is playing you......sorry!

Kate's picture

New Love Interest

I started dating a man about six weeks ago. I have begun to care for him very much. I am divorced for two years, separated for over four years and my ex lives overseas. However, my boyfriend is only divorced for six months. He freely admits he did not want a divorce at all.

He and his ex wife have shared custody. He has the house. She has a one bedroom condo. Rather than displace their three children (10, 13 and 14) they agreed the kids would stay at his house and they'd switch out each week. I am not comfortable with this arrangement but as we've just started dating, I'm not sure it's any of my business. How common is that sort of arrangement? While I understand the need for the children to have a stable place, I think stricter boundaries should be in place after a divorce particularly once each decides to move on. I have not dated a whole lot. And this is the first man I've dated since my divorce that is so involved with his children and I want to be sensitive to the children's needs as well. I just don't want to be hurt. Help?

hopeful's picture

New love interest

If you are involved in his life now, it is your business in terms of what is okay for you and what isn't. Trust your own gut instincts!

Allyceson's picture

Kate

My husband hates his ex, so I haven't been in your situation, but I would be seeing some huge red flags here.
If he's saying he didn't want the divorce, what will happen if the ex decides one day that she made a huge mistake and wants him back? Even if that doesn't happen, what if the two of you get serious? Are you saying that if you moved in together, you would have to leave your home every other week so that his ex could stay there with the kids? Would you feel comfortable doing that, knowing she had free rein to go through all of your stuff?
I think this situation may work ok when people first separate so that they can "ease" the kids into the transition, but to continue after the divorce seems odd. Especially if they both want to date.
If you're going to stick with this one, I would do whatever you can to make sure that you've really thought out what you would do if any of these scenarios come up.

purdy's picture

Oh my goodness

I would be asking why is is there for hours and i would definately not accept that even if he wasnt doing anything.You are his life now and there is no reason he should go there for that long.I would be thinking long and hard about this one and tell him that if he is not over her mind body and sole then it is not a fair situation for you and big problems will become of this.

happy's picture

I think I dated your fiance!!

Not really just seems like it I dated a man who did the very same thing.. Oh my gosh was it hard to take especially when she stripped down naked on the deck in front of him and the rest of us.. Very hard to try to deal with that at all. I have been there and done that.. We ended up breaking it off because of his ex, she did not know how to handle not being #1 in his life I guess. It was very ugly with me after that.. Then after he dumped me and I started dating my now husband he wanted me back and was going to quit going there all the time and pretty much end the relationship.. Very strange she was even married to another man and had his child..
Honey I never knew if they slept together or not but I can tell you that if you are having these thoughts be vry blunt and ask him about it all because it will never ever be far from your mind.. Hopefully it will all work out for you.. Let me know how it goes.. You have to be very open with him on your feelings.. And he needs to understand what he is doing is not right..
People get divorces for a reason and usually its because you and that person loose your way and end up disliking each other, you do not turn around and decide well were divorced lets be friends.. Not Mr. Rogers... or the way its suppose to work.. Civil yes.. Staying over there for hours. ODD>.

Happy

skye22's picture

I think my fears stem from

I think my fears stem from my childhood experience with this issue. My mom and dad were highschool sweethearts and ended up having me by accident. I was a condom baby *blush*. They were young and in love but the difficulties of being a teen parent scared my dad away. My mom raised me alone until I was 8. I had never met or heard a word from my dad. He had gotten married in that time, had a new daughter and was living in California. He basically started over. My mom never went after child support or anything. But she did always tell me that my father was the love of her life. All those years past. One day she told me that my dad was in town visiting his mom and wanted to see me. Of course I was excited and scared all at the same time. He wanted to take me to Chuck E. Cheese but I refused to go without my mom, this man was a stranger. I guess at that time he realised that he still loved my mom and wanted to be with her. He left his wife that day. He moved in that night and my parents have been together again ever since(16 years now). The sad part is that just like with me, he never contacted his other daughter again. I wonder to myself what kind of man can just abandon his children on a wim. I've never had a good relationship with this man. And he has been awful to my mom. I really wish that he would have never 'come back' at all. But that is besides the point. It scares the hell out of me that I could have this same situation happen to me. That connection of having a child together doesn't ever disappear. My husband is nothing like my father but still. It always just kind of sits in the back of my mind.....

Nise's picture

WOW…That is a wild! I can

WOW…That is a wild! I can see where your fears come from…I have never heard of such a thing happening! I would imagine that the connection of having a child together is very powerful (that’s why I’m seeking first hand knowledge *smile*) BUT…with your husband, they never had that initial connection and he never loved her, nothing like with the high school sweetheart situation of your parents! You are the mother of his kids AND love of his life...I know that the thought will never go away but I just wanted to remind you of that...

Make a GREAT Day!

Make a GREAT Day!

skye22's picture

Hey thanks! I needed that :)

Hey thanks! I needed that Smiling This topic is tough for me!

Janet's picture

OMG!

Even if it is innocent (I highly doubt it), he has no business over there. He also made it clear he's not really committed to her, so either way she needs to end it right away. That goes beyond disrepectful not to mention humilating. Theres much better out there, he's a psy. abuser and those are the signs.

Anne 8102's picture

The reason you split up...

...is so that you don't HAVE to be around the other person. I mean, if you WANT to be around the other person, then why split up on the first place?! Visitation with one parent doesn't have to occur in the presence of the other parent. And is it really in the best interest of the kid to "hang out" at the other parent's house? Doesn't that send the kid a mixed message, that maybe there's hope for a reconciliation? If they need to meet to discuss the child, then a neutral location would be fine. My husband does not cross the threshold at his ex-wife's house for any reason and she doesn't cross ours. There's simply no reason for it.

~ Anne ~

ღஐ anne|8102 ஐღ

Janice (at work)'s picture

10sitty!!!!!!

Aww, 10sitty, when I read that comment about his ex laughing at you, my heart literally broke that you thought that way. I could almost guarantee "she" was not laughing..... It gives me no pleasure knowing my ex's current wife is uncomfortable with him being in my presence. The only "feeling" I do have if my ex stays to play games with my son are the following: I am so glad that my son's father takes an interest in our son and his activities.

brou430's picture

Tell me about it!

I completely understand what your going through. My new boyfriend and
I live 8 hours away from his six year old son, and his sons mother. He feels that he should not have to pay for a hotel whenever he visits his son for days at a time, so often he will spend the night
at his exes house (supposedly on the couch). I began really
getting pissed off when he would do this, so now he tells me that he
will spend the day with his son, but at night he will drive over
and sleep at his cousins house. This does not mnake it better. I am 8 hours away while he is at his exes house from 9am-10pm. This year he has decided to pull this s*** on Christmas day. To me this sends a powerful message to his ex. By the way, she doesn't even know
about me yet. Not to mention, she calls any hour of the day, when we are at home. He cut her grass on the last visit, and played maintenace man around her house. His defense is that he does all of these things for the sake of his child. He is a wonderful father, and hasthe sweetest little boy, but give me a break! I am about ready to end the relationship, solely because of this situation. I should have been informed about this prior to us getting involved.

Anonymous's picture

I'm in a bit of a crazy

I'm in a bit of a crazy situation myself. My husband often talks of how his ex wants him back and that he would never go back to her. She calls all of the time. She plays the guilt trips with him and often plays games about him seeing their child. I finally got fed up with this and called her about an inappropriate text message she sent him. She was not rude but wanted to share her side of why they broke up. She also stated that he denied be married to me. Moreover, he is now angry at me and not speaking to me because I called her. He even blatantly told me that I should put up with the ex's disrespect and games until he gets custody of his child. Of course I refused to do so. He stated that if I have ruined his chances of getting custody of his child the marriage is over. I feel that him asking me to tolerate his ex's games and "play nice" is ruining our marriage anyway. He has even gone as far as to say that he doesn't care what happens with our marriage from this point on. I am really considering cutting my losses. This is not the first time we've had major issues. I responded to an email she sent him while overseas. I was very friendly and told her who I was. He became furious and changed his direct deposit. I have tried to ride out the storm and hang in there to make this marriage work. However,it seems as if I am the only one doing so. I have to do some major soul searching to figure out where I go from here. Why is he so afraid of me talking to this woman? WHy is he so hell bent of gaining custody of this child when he has others from a previous marriage that he hasn't seen in years. I just don't get it and maybe it's not for me to understand just sever my ties and move on. This is alot of drama to deal with in our 1 1/2 years of marriage.

Anonymous's picture

If

this guy has other kids from another woman I would say you should cut your losses. Obviously, he has some problem whereas he can't maintain relationships and apparently has cut the other family off. One wonders why these type of men go on to have more kids, when they didn't take care of the first. Aside from that, he doesn't want you to talk to his ex's because you would find out more then he wants you to know. For example, what a NOT so nice person he really is, which you are finding out fast. My advice would be to prepare for divorce, but in the meantime contact ALL his ex's to get a full picture of this guy. If only to reinforce your decision, but I strongly suspect you'll see a pattern of behavior with this man. He's wrongly placing the blame on you for all his life's mistakes, and if I were you I would start befriending this ex. I once was in a similar situation with a live in boyfriend, he did not want me to ever talk to his ex's. I became friends and we kept it secret, I found out he wanted to keep her on the side and he treated her ezactly the same way when they were together. Thankfully, I was smart and really investigated his past; talking with his family and ALL his ex's and believe me knowledge is power. So invite her to lunch and be up front and you'll see he's been stringing you both along anyways. I would even help her gain custody because obviously he has major problems, and I wouldn't bow down to his threats.

happy's picture

Boy he is screaming

Something not good. HE is angry because you have said enough is enough. You have not ruined his chances at getting custody. Does he seriously think you are that stupid. But he has however and I am not you but put a little bug up my ass as to what is he trying to pull. You are his wife.. He basically just went back on his marriage vows to you.
He is in my opinion not being very honest with you at all. Or her.. Its almost like he is playing games and now that he may be caught he is turning the tables around on you.. to make it your fault and make you feel bad for his bull shit game..

I like you would be ready to throw in the towel. But if marriages were easy or relationships were we would not be were we are today.

I dunno he is acting poorly. I would have already lost trust.. you know...

Happy

stamina's picture

Is this child a boy?

that might make a difference.