Losing Battle
Im glad i have found this ste as i have been looking for somewhere like this for the past 2 weeks. I am in a really bad situation and am finding it so frustrating now.
I met my partner 4 years ago and then lost contact but even back then he used to speak about his daughter that he was not allowed to see as the mother was a control freak. I alsways told him then that he needed to fight for her. I found him again 1 yr ago and we got together much to my delight as there ws an undr currrent between us years ago. He did start to see his daughter but he was then stopped again as the mother was obviously jealous that he was buying her things and taking her out but mother always had to be there. I understand that she was jealous as i have a 14 yr old who's dad used to let him do as he pleased when with him and we never got on - even now we only talk if we have to.
Well he asked me to marry him and the wedding is only 7 weeks away now but 4 weeks ago who popped up!! Yes his daughters mother called the CSA and they contacted him - that was the start of my war. I suggested thinking it would be better to arrange a private direct debit with her which he did. Then the mother was speaking to partners mum saying that daughter wanted to see her....odd i know - after 3 years? Partners mother told daughters mother that he ws getting married! Great...needed that - I did ask that this wasnt mentioned but got told by my partner that she should know this.....The daughter has been in contact with her dad (my partner) and its driving me to dispair - Our life was the perfect bubble which has now been popped. She texts him constantly like he is her best friend and i cant deal with it. I have explained that this is like someone invading our space by knocking on the door every 2 mins. We used to spend all night snuggled on the ssofa - now whats the point when the phone goes off every 2 mins.
Why would you tell your dad that you havent seen for 3 yrs that you are a rebel at school and that you drink alcohol? I dont get it - All we ha ve done since she has been on the scene is argue. I got drunk last week (son at his dads) as told him exactly what i thought of her.....not the best move - i went mad - I have no idea why i am so angry about her - its like a knot in my stomach. I dont even want to meet her - thats really awful as i dont know her but everything she is showing me just tells me that this is trouble brewing. Partner has asked to see her this weekend on his own but she has asked if her friend can come!!!! What is that about - quality time yea right! She texts him when she is with ehr friends so i think she is showing off. Im so scared that she is going to walk all over him but there is nothing that i can do. He just laughs at things she says!! When she sent a text with ffs at the end i asked him to as her what it means and she said sorry she shouldnt have sent it as its swearing!!! He just said she obviously didnt mean to send it!!! What is going on in his head - he is so desparat to have her in his life - I dont think she is as inocent as she makes out and i have my eyes wide open. I feel really bad for feeling like thisbut i remember being 14 yr old and its not good! She is already in a situation with the police as she went out for dinner with friends and got friendly with a waiter who started emailing - mother found these! She goes to concerts wth her friend and friends older sister. He cant see whats going on but he will moan at my 14 yr old coz his room is messy!!!!
I am supposed to be going out with them tmorrow (daughter nad hr friend and partner) but i am dreading it. I will not let him go out with 2 x teenage girls - ok ones his daughter but they could always make a story up!!
Oh yea get this the mother said to partners mother that the daughter may think that therre is money about!! Why would you say that? Hes not short of a penny so i am so concerned with the whole thing.
Please tell me that im not over reacting coz im having a war with myself and its getting worse. My partner says that things will never change between us but im not sure abou that!!!!
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Comments
Welcome! First off, it's
Welcome!
First off, it's great that this is happening BEFORE you get married! You really need to think about if you can handle him having his daughter in his life before you marry this man.
It sounds like she's testing him to me. Seeing what she can get away with with him. It also sounds like she's desperate for her fathers attention, which is obviously quite normal after not seeing him for so long. I highly doubt the texting will continue to be so frequent later down the line. She'll most likely get bored with it. But I wouldn't count on it.
You NEED to explain to your future husband how you're feeling. Explain your fears. Let him know there's a difference between "not scaring her off" and letting her think that drinking alcohol, cussing, and dating older boys is okay with him.
She's his flesh and blood, don't expect him to cut her out of his life just because she's a manipulative "rebel". (if she is in fact, that) You can however expect him to be a man and not let her walk all over him, or you.
I agree with outofplace...
I agree with outofplace... She is probably seeking attention.. I would be concerned as well.. And at her age, if her father hasn't been in her life much, and now you've come along, and are in his life everyday, she may be jealous of you.. As odd as that sounds.. Maybe the texts are to bother you.. I think her "rebel" thing needs to be discussed! I know her father probably wants to be a "friend" to her cause he was gone, but he needs to step up and be a dad and let her know these things are NOT ok! Don't give up if you love the man, but you two def need to talk!
I'm sort of confused, is this
I'm sort of confused, is this about your future SD or your fiance's ex?
Its about both = the
Its about both = the situation as a whole -
Well I made the effort and met her this weekend. Boy that was a big step for me coz I had built up such a dread for her I wasnt sure how I was going to handle this.
We were originally taking her out for dinner on the Saturday then she asked if her friend could come!!! I wasnt happy about this as this wasnt going to be quality time with her dad. So then they couldnt do Saturday and wanted Sunday instead although they had no idea what to do. Everytime her dad asked her she said didnt mind or didnt care - that wasnt pleasing me either - like she couldnt be bothered.
Anyway we realised that we had to go and see the vicar and informed her of this and said that we couldnt do Sunday - well not a good move. She called her dad (my partner) and had ago at him saying that he was letting her down again and that she was reallly pissed off with him. He took it and tried to be nice to her but she wasnt having any of it saying that he cant be bothered with her. I felt so sorry for him as he didnt ask for that. He still gave her the option of going out Saturday night for dinner but this wasnt good enough.
I told him that he needed to speak with the mother and inform her what has happened so that the daughter didnt make him look bad and not tell her everything. Which he did and they spoke a couple of times. I cant believe SD spoke to him like that I was so angry - showing her true colours!!
Anyway after discussions it was decided that as long as daughter was happy she could come out Saturday night - which tells me that she gets her way alot!
So we picked daughter and friend up and I smiled, she had a really stroppy face on when we picked her up. I spoke ot them asking questions etc etc - she was a bit short and sort of smiled when I spokee to her (sarcastically). They made me very paranoid as they kept looking at me and then giggling. There wasnt that much interaction with father and daughter but when i said this to him later he thought that they had spoke and laughed quite a bit! I was the one making sure they were ok and their food was noce and asking Q's abotu school. She slipped up about her credit on her phone also so i know that she has been telling lies. Although dad doesnt see it it! He has an excuse for everything. She is now telling him that she is getting bullied at school!!!! There has been no mention of this previously and by the way she behaves would tell me that she is not the sort of girl to be bullied. I told him toask if her mum knows to which she said yes! Mother has not mentioned this either!
He invited her to the wedding and didnt even discuss this with me which annoyed me - I asked if she wanted the friend to come to which he replied if she wants her to come yes!!!! My son hasnt got a friend comming so why should she - she knows her dad and her nan and grandad are going to be there
When I have mentioed going to theme paarks its never been a good idea as he doesnt like rides but he has tolsd his daughter that they will go soon - whats that about. I have been brave and said that we could take my son and his daughter out next weekend as it bank holiday - he said yer!! Dont push the boat out and be excited or anything.
I should think myself lucky that she likes me as she has told her mum this. Aparently she can be the kind of person that will ignore you if she doesnt like you - nice.
I have told my partner she will never be rude to me coz i will pull her up on that. My son isnt rude to my partner and if he is rude to me my partner steps in for me. I will not tolerate rudeness there is no excuse for that!!!
Lets see what today brings - not more arguing i hope. I try and be strong and tell myself that htis is a 14 yr old daughter that is no worry to me but she just presses everybutton - my be coz i let her!!!
Well it happened - he left!!
Well it happened - he left!!
We had a massive row last night and it went from bad to worse. All we do or done was argue aout the same shit. I put to him last night as he asked his daughter to come to OUR wedding without discussing it with me (oh and her friend if she wanted also) Although my son isnt having a friend due to the agreement of money!! I said that if my son bought his friend and she bought a friend they could all sit at the same table - to the reply i got was 'im not encouraging that!'
His darling little daughter doesnt need encouragement - what did he mean does he thik that my son and his mate will jump her? He said that he thought my son was at the top table which was the agreement but hello does he not want them to talk??????
My gut feelings witht his girl are so bad i cant help but think bad about her. I haev tried and said we will take them out together but then the answer i get is not very excited!!! What does he want from me all singing and dancing?
I cant believe this has happened - I hate what she has done to my perfect world - you will probably say that it was me that ruined it which i also know but if she hadnt come along none of this would have happened.
Why does she make me so angry - I get a gut churning feeling inside when we talk about her - I ask if he has heard from her today to be polite - then the churning starts.
He has taken some clothes so I dont know when he will be back. Ive had little sleep and this is making me ill. Mt life was the best it has ever been and now its dead.
Life is very unfair
As others said it's better
As others said it's better that it happened now, before the wedding.
I think the main problem is that you hated this girl before you even met her. Of course she should be invited to your wedding. I'm not so sure her friend should be though.
I think you need to look inside yourself. This child may go away once she knows the two of you have split up but maybe not. If she can have a relationship with her father that is best for both of them but YOU need to grow up. You have a son the same age. How would you feel if you were in his place and had a boyfriend who hated your son before he even met him and had so much resentment of him?
If your 'perfect world' depended on his child not ever texting or being around at all then your perfect world only existed in your imagination.
I think all of you, him, her, and you are better off if the two of you split unless you are willing to change your attitude and work WITH him on developing a healthy relationship - including boundaries - with his child. If your goal is to keep them apart then you don't deserve him and he certainly doesn't deserve to have your destructive forces in his life.
Im not the one that has been
Im not the one that has been destructive here!
She was not interested in her dad until she found out that he was getting married - mother also stated that she thought there ws money so let me think!!
My son is not maliputive and decitful. He doesnt treat me like his friend and he isnt rude to me!
I tried more than any of them when we went out to dinner. I have said about going out as a 'family'!! I didnt say that she couldnt come to the wedding just would have been nice to discuss 'our' guests! He spent alot of time and moeny on this girl previously to have it all pulled away so are they going to do that to him again? Or is it that the mother can not handle her daughter anymore and asking him to step in!!!
She told us that they were so hung over new years day that they didnt get out of bed until 6pm. She also slipped up saying that she gets £30 a month on her phone but told her dad she cant txt that much as she only gets £10!!!! I hate liers - but the dad doesnt seem to think she is lying to him. She also states she is allowed out till 10pm at weekends - but she is lying about that apparently? Even though that friend backed her up on all of it!!!
But when discussed about my son previously 9pm is plenty late enough for him to come in. Let me think is it one rule for one and one for another! Im sure he would also have something to say if my son told him that he had pissed him off!!!
My perfect world did exist 2 months ago - This is all a bit too full on for me - i dont get it!
So its fine for her to txt all night and also in the day whilst at school? Is it?
He doesnt want to give her boundries incase she doesnt like it and doesnt speak to him - its all funny how he sees it - thats not a parent thats a friend.
Ive been told im lucky she spoke to me the night we took her out for dinner!! Really, she ignores some people she doesnt like - nice girl.....
A lot of her behaviour as you
A lot of her behaviour as you describe it is inexcusable.
However, she's 14.
I remember being 14, don't you?
I thinks she's crying out for her daddy to become involved and give her some boundaries. I think he SHOULD at least try to do it. I think it's way too early for you to be coming on so strongly against her. If, a couple years down the road her behaviour hasn't improved after you and your partner trying your best to foster a good relationship, fine, your attitude would be understandable but unless I'm missing something here it doesn't seem that you've even given the girl half a chance.
Maybe you could be a positive influence in her life? Maybe you could gain as much or more from the relationship as anyone else?
I think that you should at least give them a fair chance.
From the way you've described it - which I may have taken wrong - you seem to have written her off without giving her any chance at all, in which case your partner was absolutely 100% right to end the relationship with you - in my opinion.
Well im glad you passed your
Well im glad you passed your opinion on.
To be honest I have listen to him cry about his daughter and then tell me that he isnt interested as no contact was made until they wanted money!!! She has come in at one of the most important times of our lives and now its all about her! The mother stopped him seeing daughter due to her being jealous that he was spending money on her and that he could offer her more then her as they live at home with the mothers parents!! So why all of a sudden has contact been made when it wasnt even the daughter that asked?
Oh yer the previous contact was always witht he mother - he told her that there was no chance of them getting together - then it stopped!! Mother has always had his phone number also so its not like she couldnt call him!
They both know that he is so desparet to see daughter that he would do anything ....
Some days we all wish DH's
Some days we all wish DH's past would just dissapear, ex wife, kids, the lot. The reason? We are jealous. There it is, out in the open! We are jealous and dont want to share our husbands!
Next thing...we also have opportunities here. A brother, sister for our own kids. An extra child to love and cherish.
Missconfused, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this..here is my layman's advice and solution to the problem.
Get your mindset right, give SD a chance, and show DH that you are trying. Winning SD over will possibly be the best thing you will ever do for your relationship with DH. Being a stepmother is not easy but will be worth it in the end.
LucilleVB - thanks for that -
LucilleVB - thanks for that - thought i was going to be the bad one all day!!!
I dont need to win her over apparently she like me!! Well she spoke to me so theres a start. I think its too late for that. I have said some really horrible things -
No I dont want to share him - I love him with all my heart and soul. But I dont want him walked all over eeither - but it seems I have been the one that has hurt him now.
Everytime the phone beeps i just get bad feelings. I try and ask him about her but then my mind works overtime.
I think the worse thing is that it is on top of the weeding. That has all seemed to be put on hold as the infamous daughter is here now.
When I told him that he has to build a bond with ehr himself first he didtn like that as he thought i wasnt interested so i sort of feel a bit pushed into it all. If it was just visits at weekends it wouldnt be so bad but its eveeryday. I know that he txts her also, i want to be happy for him i really do. I think thats its also a situation that i have no conrtol over and that before she came along all we did was spend our spare time together (my son lives on his xbox or os out). Even when it comes to the bedroom im thinking 'I hope she doesnt txt' thats not good.
I hope DH is back home! Here
I hope DH is back home!
Here is an idea, tonight at bedtime, pipe up with a "Darling, let's send SD a goodnight message from the two of us"
1. He will appreciate you wanting him to have contact with SD, and wanting to be included.
2. After a goodnight txt SD should also say goodnight and leave you alone for the rest of the night.
Any way you can include SD in the wedding arrangements? You cant change anything about her having a friend at the wedding but you can change the whole situation around to your relationship's advantage.
I also think that you may resent the money that DH will be spending on SD. What helped me overcome that one is to:
1. accept the spending.
2. agree on the amount that will be spent.
3. make the suggestions so that DH feels that you want to do something nice for his child (in the end you will want to, once you know and love her). Suggest that you guys spend X amount per month on the kids cellphones (your son and his daughter's) and a small amount to buy a little something for each of the kids every month. Even if it's just a cd.
It will keep his spending in check, keep him happy and you will feel that your child also benefits from it.
Soon SD will be all grown up with her own family (and skids) to worry about...just keep your relationship off the rocks till then!
Good luck!
LucilleVB I wished i had the
LucilleVB
I wished i had the outlook that you have, hes not even answering my calls or txts so I would say thats not a good thing.
The money is not an issue i dont think as i was the one that suggested sorting out the private direct debit - £50 a week - tell me thats not enoughBut when he did suggest taking her shopping i must admit my back went up. I dont get money for my bs but that not a problwm either as i provide for him.I suppose its selfish but i work full time and then we go to be at 8.30 as he gets up at 4am and works 6 days a week everyother week so i dont get to see him that much - more tha her yes i know.
She just doesnt seem to be putting herself out for him. If she wanted to see him that bad why is she not changing her plans or asking him when she is seeing him next?
Ive tried asking that they make weekly arrangements so that i know what is happenind but again he leaves it up to her to decide. Its not fair.
Ive also tried not getting involved and speaking about her but hten i feel horrible. I feel like a child with all this - it makes me sound like the spoilt brat. I encouraged him to contact the daughter when we first got together. I had no idea it was going to be like this.
I feel absolutley destroyed, i have tried to busy myself when she txt so that i dont get angry but then he moans at me for walking off and doing things - i feel like i cant win. I know he feelss like that also - i never meant for him to feel like piggy in the middle.
Iv told him to tell her that there is no wedding now to see what her reaction is and the mother but he wont do that. Hes not even telling his mother, she thinks everything is fine. She was the one that started all the contact and informed them that we were getting married but she hasnt seen them since!! And im also the bad one and hte immaturre one in my parents eyes also!!
What a mess....
Well he did walk but i put
Well he did walk but i put that in a different log - and i told myself that i had to change or she will ruin my life.
I sat down with him last night and told him that he needed to sort out times to see her so that no one is letting anyone down - no one is rushing around at the last minute as someone decided to change their mind and so that we can make plans around this together.
Well he said yes to this. I alos informed him that i will not give my opinion of her baviour anymore as she is not my child and he has to deal with her as he feels fit. He doesnt like what i have to say ans stands up for her - so will keep them to myself now.
I have aslo said that i wont get involved with them he has to build that relationship first - to that i get told thats not fair i need to be involved with her!!!
I also asked him if the BM has been asked if daughter can come to the wedding after he invited her and she said yes.
I have also asked him that if she comes who is to pick her up and taker home - also if there is a room available at the hotel for her and if someone is going to be responsible for her (my parents are looking out for my son)
All i need is her to be drunk and chucking at our wedding - to get daddies attention!!!
Now we are arguing over her friend coming - I have said no as she has family there that she know - my son isnt having a friend come and who will be responsible for her??
He seems to be changing his mind alot now to accomadate her and assumes ill just do it. He originally said not big wedding - hes not pying for everyones meals and all as we re to buy house this year lso - fair enough.
Now he wants his daughter and friend to come he says that he doesnt mind who comes to the wedding!!! Convieniant....
I was going to buy my son a present so that he doesnt feel left out as he is not a page boy (too old- not cool enough) but now i cant do that either as i will have to buy his daughter a pressent and she has only been around for 2 months!!
This is all getting out of hand - I have been advised to postpone the wedding by why should I?? Its all because she has turned up. When i said to him that if she doesnt turn up to the wedding and changes her mind it is not to ruin our day - his answer was of course she will turn up!!!
All we are doing is agruing over her - thats why i feel like i do about her - she is ruinin things and speeding up....
I feel like im on a time bomb......
Maybe it's just the way you
Maybe it's just the way you write. I don't know but I get very bad vibes from your posts. It really comes across as you being jealous and resentful of a 14 year old and expecting a 14 year old to be more of an adult than you are willing to be. I really hope that I'm just picking it up wrong.
For example, you complain about having to buy his daughter a present as if it's an outrage. Why does that upset you so much?
I don't know. It just seems that you are looking for ANY LITTLE thing to complain about when it comes to this girl and I really can't see a good future for any of you unless and until YOU change your attitude.
She's only 14 and you barely know her. Give her a chance.
Thats the point - i am trying
Thats the point - i am trying to sort this mess out - but no matter what i say he sticks up for her.
Why should i buy her a present - she hasnt been around and put our with all the wedding arrangements. She is not part of our wedding party. She is his daughter and a guest at the wedding. I ahave been planning things for a while now and 6 weeks before i have to make changes. So what happens when her and her friend decide to get drunk as they admitted they do....On our wedding day so that her dad has to look after her - our day spoilt!!
There are many people tht i have not invited to the wedding for that particular reason.
I will not have on eule for one and one for another thats not fair. Her dad is going to let her get away with murder - when my so has all the rules laid out for him!
She hasnt done anything wrong to me and i know that she is 14 yrs old. She has come into our lives and i want to get to know her. I have always wanted a daughter but the things she has said and done have not impressed me - sorry.
Maybe in time we can be friends but right now her dad is not helping the situation - he is her friend currently and not giving her any boundries - he is scared she will not talk to him if he says something she doesnt like!
"Why should i buy her a
"Why should i buy her a present"
You answered this yourself in the same post.
"She hasnt done anything wrong to me and i know that she is 14 yrs old. She has come into our lives and i want to get to know her. I have always wanted a daughter"
THAT is why you should buy her a present. THAT is why you should try your best to be nice to her. THAT is why you should act like an adult and not get too upset when she acts like a 14 year old.
You are jealous. Frankly, based on what you've written here, if I knew your boyfriend I would warn him to run away from you as fast as he can. A 14 year old acting like a 14 year old is one thing. A grown woman acting like a 14 year old is inexcusable.
You dont know me or my
You dont know me or my partner
I came on here for some reassuance and some advice! Not to get spoken to like im the one in the wrong. I have not been in this situation before and i know for a fact if the boot was on the other foot he would be exactly the same so dont start speaking to me in the manner - im sorry you dont understand or agree with me thats fine. dont post
x
x
Do you not get thats where
Do you not get thats where the confusion and frustration is?
I want her to be in our lives and i want to be able to bond with her but i feel like i do and i hate feeling like this!!!
Dont take me at face value
Do you not think i fight with my self every day for feeling like i do - do you not thinbk i hate myself for fighting with my FH over his DAUGHTER!!!
Do you not think i know that i am ruining my relationship with the most inportant man in the world?
Do you not think that i feel like a lowlife and discusted with myself for feeling like this!!
My family and friends all tell me to roll with it and give her a chance....
DO YOU ALL THINK THAT IM DOING THIS ON PURPOSE......
Missconfused, no I don't
Missconfused, no I don't think you are doing it on purpose.
I'm sorry if I came on too strong when you are feeling vulnerable.
I do believe, and you've alluded to believing yourself, that the problem is with you and your attitude toward her.
You said you don't want to share your boyfriend with his daughter, that you love him so much. This is possessive love and it isn't healthy. It won't last. That kind never does. You will have so many problems in the future.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I was trying to get you to look inside yourself and make the decision to change YOU. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself. The way others make you feel is 100% in your control. It isn't THEIR fault how you react, it's yours. (physical abuse being the exception to this). If the behaviour of someone upsets you so much and results in you to acting in inappropriate ways or having disproportionate emotional responses, then you need to either change yourself or walk away. Demanding that the other person change to suit you will never work. Have you ever had anyone demand that you change to suit them? Did it work? Did you resent them for it?
Maybe you and your boyfriend should postpone your wedding and get some counseling to help you overcome your feelings of jealousy toward his daughter. I strongly believe that it is YOU who need help. His daughter may also need help but first you have to take care of yourself, then worry about his daughter.
Hey i havent read everything
Hey i havent read everything properly. You shouldnt buy a childs affection. Perhaps suggest to her that you spend an afternoon with her. Talk to her as an adult, explain to her that you would like to be her friend, but that she needs to show some respect and you need to show the same. Allow her some leway to begin with, this is all new to her too. This is something you both have in common. Share with her how you feel, not everything, but enough to start a rapore. I wish you luck.
Nicely said
Nicely said losthope.
Missconfused I also think you need to not take certain posts the wrong way, most people on this site have been dealing with step kids and BM’s for many months to many many years, so they are giving advice/opinions from what they have been through or have seen.