What is the real problem?
I have one SD8, and no bio kids. The bio dad is not, and has never been in the picture, since before SD was even born. Wife and I are newly married. SD likes me a lot, and I suspect may even secretly be starting to think of me as "dad." So all that is fine and not an issue. I guess I'm fortunate in that regard. However the issue I'm having may be a more generalized one and not really SD-specific.
I'm finding that I really, really dislike, and may even be angered by, the kid "culture" or "lifestyle." And I also happen to think my lack of patience for it is largely due to the fact that SD is not my own child. In other words, I'm kind of forced into dealing with it by association.
Here are a few examples:
- SD can't seem to eat anything without half of it ending up under her ass. The messiness drives me crazy, partially because I'm so confused over how anyone could be so oblivious to dropping food everywhere. Whenever mom lets her eat anything in the car, I have a borderline panic attack.
- SD has been, more and more, roping us into playing board games. Kid board games. I'm not good at faking interest in things I find boring. It shows pretty blatantly on my face. Wife sort of feels the same way, but can probably deal slightly better because it's her child. I just can't dumb myself down to the child level, which is sort of what you have to do to play with a child.
- SD has no friends. She has friends at school, but only sees them at school, and they do not live close enough to hang out together. In summer, she is only around us and her grandparents. This means that unless she's watching TV in her room, we're supposed to be the providers of entertainment, which leads to something like the last example. When I or my wife have something to do, SD kind of drifts around the house aimlessly. It's like a haunting.
- SD is not stupid by any means, and rather creative, but seems to take an hour to form a complete sentence. An example: "Hey, um, um, I mean, wait, um, you know what, um, um, well, I, um..." About midway through, I'm looking for an extension cord to hang myself with. And I can't say anything, because first - that would be kind of be DBag-ish, and second - she isn't mine biologically. I feel like my right to say and do certain things is stunted because of that, even though wife says otherwise. I just don't have the patience to listen to it. It actually makes me very anxious and jittery.
- SD has no concept of money, and therefore, no respect for the value of things. "Hey are we gonna get some dinner?" This basically means "Hey are we gonna order something unhealthy?" How about you eat what we make instead of raking it around your plate like you're tending to a field of crops? It's like, unless it's "kid food" (pizza, mac and cheese, or anything Chef Boyardee makes), she has no palette. I happen to believe that kids base their likes and dislikes on suggestion. Restaurants have kid menus with kid food on them. So that is what kids eat. When did those foods become kid foods? Why does everything they eat have to have cheese in it?
All in all, she is a good kid. It could definitely be worse. She doesn't throw tantrums. She'll pout on occasion, but wife nips that in the bud.
I think the problem is this:
Admittedly, I was not a normal or stereotypical child. I was an only child. Of course I had friends and toys, but I also read history books instead of Curious George, by choice. I wanted to be ahead of my peers, not beside them or doing what everyone else did. Because I was not a normal child, I could not identify with kids my age. I identified better with older people. To this day, I cannot identify with children. Their world is too small and one-dimensional. They're sociopathic. They only care about themselves. The way they perceive a problem (like, they can't have pizza for dinner) is maddening. That isn't a problem. It's not even an inconvenience. Life has more in store for you, kid, and one day you'll wish not having pizza was your only "problem."
Still, I really believe this issue is exacerbated by her not being my child. I feel like I would have much more patience with a child I helped create, who looks like me, who shares my DNA. For lack of a better term, SD is a biological stranger to me. Her mother being my wife is our only common ground. When I see her doing things that her mother doesn't do, making facial expressions that look nothing like mom, I have to assume she's sharing some of her dirtbag father's traits. And that sucks. That's an unwelcome intruder in my house. He never showed interest or lifted a finger. He's contributed nothing. He's literally never seen his child, by his choice. I don't want his face in my house.
I'm sorry if this sounds rude or mean. That hasn't been my intention. Being honest was my intention. I'm not a bad person at all, and I treat both my wife and SD with a lot of respect. I just can't bring myself to "care" about SD. Logically, something is there; emotionally I don't really feel anything.
Any advice?
Thank you for reading!
Children are narcissistic
Children are narcissistic because it's a survival instinct. They are unable to care for or protect themselves so their number one concern is how am I gonna get what I want? It is hard wired into them. It is caregiver's job to slowly chip away at this attitude by both teaching the child to become confident and self sufficient and that selfishness is not acceptable and nurturing empathy and responsibility. But it will take at least 18 years to do that job.
Everything you list is pretty normal for an 8 year old except the no friends thing. I strongly believe mom must make it a priority to get that kid some peers.
Since there's no bio dad and the child is young, you do have an opportunity here to be a full parenting partner with your wife. Tell your wife you'd like to work on the cleanliness at dinner for starters. Suggest to her that you make it kidlet's chore to clean under her chair (or whatever) after dinner. This is doable for an 8 year old and will have the magical effect of making her more mindful of dropping stuff and more magic of relieving your stress over it knowing it will be taken care of swiftly and by the perpetrator.
As for the looks or gestures of the kid that are not your wife's, you have no idea where these come from. They could be original to the child. For your own sake, try to just accept that they are. You cannot hold this louse against the child. Man up and realize she had no role in her own conception. If you want to stay married and happily so, you must reframe the child's appearance in a way that feels good to you.
It sounds like your wife is doing a fairly good job of parenting so be grateful for that. Now be her loving partner and help out a bit in the areas that are important to you.
Also work on your attitude about "dumbing down" for children. All parents want to run screaming from the building at times if they hear the theme music for My Little Pony one more time. But they can willingly carve off a portion of their attention to engage with the child at their stage of development. God forbid you and your wife birth a special needs child some day -- that's an individual who will never get past a certain point. You have to enjoy that person for who they are. So loosen up a little for the little girl in your house right now. But save your sanity by putting limits on it. 3 games of Candyland and you're done. Etc.
If you just dislike children and this one in particular because she's not yours and no other reason, you are going to have a hard time being happily married to a mother.
Your issues and stresses are
Your issues and stresses are very normal. I know that my patience for my SD is a whole heap lot less than that of my husband's. Yes that biological heart-string or whatever it is does make it easier for parents to put up with their child. It also means that instead of irritation when the child cries or whatever they feel sympathy and their heart is torn (I see it in my husband's eyes).
You say that you are newly weds, but not how long you have been living together, I'll assume it is relatively short time and let you know that it gets better, somewhat. But you still won't have the patience of their parents. I continually try to remind myself that I have not had the whole of my SD's life to get used to her and to learn and evolve as a parent. I also remind myself that if I aren't a great parental figure that no one really knows what they are doing but on the whole children turn out just fine. As I age, I see more and more the faults of my parents, where once there was only adoration. I know that I still love them and I turned out pretty ok but even they were not perfect, and neither do I have to be.
For the examples that you have given I will give you some advice that I hope helps a little. All of these things though should be tackled on an individual basis and as a discussion with your wife, so that you work on them together in a constructive manner but you don't overwhelm your wife with a ton of things right away that you want to change.
Mess when eating: ugg...we have this too, my husband tries to tell me that children don't have the coordination that adults do. I try to tell SD when eating at the table that the fork should be on her plate if it isn't en route to her mouth so that she doesn't fling food around as she waves her laden fork around. Not sure it really works. I love the suggestion of getting her to clear it up herself, I will be trying this. As for food in the car, ban her eating in the car unless it is something she can't make a mess with.
Board-games: these can be fun and are a good bonding time but I understand your boredom. I have three suggestions. One is to tell her that you don't want to play and not join in. That is perfectly acceptable. You are not a toy or a play thing to entertain SD (I took this role on when I first moved in with my husband, I spent hours upon hours boring myself endless playing make-believe with SD and her toys). Two, if you want to tell her that you will play one game or for 20 mins or some sort of limit. And thirdly look for games that do interest you and that you can play together. My husband and I love board games and we have a few that are just about suitable for SD to play with us and keep our interest too. Or do you like computer games, are there any that you could introduce your SD to so that could be your thing for bonding time?
No Friends: I'm so glad that SD is an only child so I only have one kid to deal with but at the same time there is the issue of them being friendless. See if your wife can get SD involved in some activities this summer near home so that keeps her occupied and perhaps gives the opportunity to make friends. Hang out (or get your wife to) at the local park and chat to other parents. Are there any kids on your street? Get SD out and playing with them. Unfortunately making friends outside of school at that age requires some input from parents to coordinate and meet up. Encourage your wife to find opportunities for SD to meet friends and then to coordinate play dates etc with their parents. As for her hanging around the house, again see the you are not a toy or play thing comment and don't feel guilty that she doesn't have anything to do, she should be able to find something for herself to do. If you wanted you could try to get her to do a summer "project" or something or remind her of the things that she has that she can do, games she could play, toys she can play with, books to read, art and crafts projects to do.
Ummm ahh ummm ahh: Does she have a speaking impediment? Does she need to see a speech therapist? Is this something that she does all the time or only when distracted? Try to talk to your wife about this sympathetically. Tell her that you are concerned that SD is having problems speaking concisely and ask if her teachers at school have said anything. If she gets defensive try to disarm her by telling her that you just want what is best for her and you think that she could socialize more easily if she could get her thoughts out more easily. I imagine as well that it could be really frustrating for SD, has anyone asked her if she finds it frustrating? Or is it a self confidence issue? Or perhaps merely a bad habit gone array? It sounds like it could be a medical or social problem that she might need to see a specialist for.
Concept of money: This starts at home and it is another good topic to bring up with your wife about how you two are going to teach SD the value of money. Does she get an allowance? Is it based on chores? Does she get opportunities to spend the allowance and the choice to save it? Is she good at math, can she add up the cost of items? How do you two talk to her about money? Do you tell her the cost of simple things and get her to decide what is worth more for her. "today I have $20 to spend, we could go to the library and then get some lunch at the cafe or we could go to the museum, what do you think we should do with the $20?" or something like that. Are broken/lost toys automatically replaced or does she have to save up to replace them or wait until her next birthday etc? Is she given everything she asks for? If she hears no, does she have a tantrum until she is placated either with the original item or with a substitute?
There will be lots of differences between the way you were raised, the way your wife was raised and they way she is raising your SD to how you would raise a kid. Some of it you will just have to accept is different. Some of it over time you will have an influence in and you will see some changes in the way your wife does things, and sometimes you will find out that in the end somethings don't matter as much as we thought they did.
Don't get too caught up on how much you feel for your SD. You say that you don't "care" for her. I presume you mean you don't really love her. And that is ok and normal and you shouldn't feel pressured into loving her. You may never feel the same way about her as you would your own child, and that's fine and normal. Over time if things go well you will probably feel more attached but that unquestionable love that parents feel is probably elusive for outsiders to feel in my opinion (I'm no where near there).
And finally to end my epic post I want to pass on to you two phrases that get used around here a lot and I find useful.
Ask yourself if the issues is "a hill to die on"? If it is then make your feelings known and stick by it. If not, make your feelings known, but then drop it if there is push back. Somethings are not worth the arguing and stress.
Second repeat "not my monkey, not my circus". Remind yourself that she isn't your child and that you are not obligated to play the ring master at all times. Your wife is the mother and it is her responsibility to parent her child. Sometimes you may choose to help, other times you may choose to step back. That is ok.
Thank you both very much for
Thank you both very much for your insightful replies. I realize that much of what I've written is minor compared to what some people here are going through. I've had people tell me that they only had children so that they wouldn't be alone in the world when they got old. Because everything else along the way seems like an endless hassle unless you have an ungodly amount of patience and no desire for personal time.