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Unpredictable ex

BDwith2boys's picture

Submitted by BDwith2boys on Sat, 07/25/2015 - 8:06am

This is my first time on here and I need help.

Over a month ago I discussed with my ex wife to send our 2 boys (13 & 14) to a week long camp help by the State Police. She initially agreed but 2 weeks ago voiced her resistance due to the boys not wanting to go. This past week she again agreed but with the condition that I talk with the boys about camp (which I already had and even took them to orientation). Since discussing it with them yesterday afternoon, now my ex is saying she undecided about them going.

Should I stand firm about them going or just give up and enjoy the weekend. I would need to get them some items for the camp which starts tomorrow afternoon.

Comments

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Sat, 07/25/2015 - 8:35am

Do they act like they want to go when they are with you?
Is it on your week or BMs?

If they act like they want to go when they are with you then you need to tell their mom that they are playing her. If they don't want to go and have told both of you that then don't send them. If it's on your week then send them regardless what BM says because she can't dictate what you do on your time with your kids and vice versa, if it's her week then all you can do is ask her to let them go. If she says no and it's her weekend then forget about it. If you have any vacation days set in your custody order you can use that as your vacation week with them too as another option. I would hint that she's leaning towards "no" since she hasn't given you a response and it's the day before.

BDwith2boys's picture

Submitted by BDwith2boys on Sat, 07/25/2015 - 8:42am

They initially both said no. After going to orientation, the older one seemed like he wanted to go but now says no because he'll miss a hockey game.

This is BM weekend.

Thanks for your thoughts.

dood's picture

Submitted by dood on Sat, 07/25/2015 - 9:13am

Sounds like they really don't want to go - and it's not your weekend... I think you should leave it alone. Sounds like this is your desire for them.. not theirs.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Sat, 07/25/2015 - 9:56am

I agree with this, because it's a special situation in terms that this is a divorce situation.

But I got sent to camps I didn't want to go during the summer because my parents thought it built character. The only thing I would worry about is the kids growing up not being exposed to a lot of things because every time they were reluctant, their mom jumps to their defense and lets them decide they don't want to go. I can say that even though I didn't want to go to those camps, once I was there I learned a lot and had fun too. This is only my worry about their future, not that I think dad should force them to go because in this case it's a losing battle. But if it's on your week I would sign them up for something even if they don't want to (but that's just me.)

BDwith2boys's picture

Submitted by BDwith2boys on Sat, 07/25/2015 - 11:29am

This is what I am worried about....they run to BM to get what they want. Grades are neglected, attitudes are getting worse, defiance is increasing. BM comes to me to "straighten them out" where I only have them every other weekend and when I try to get them on a good path, she blocks it.

I researched the camp and spoke with several people about it, all positive!!! I just can't get my ex to see what the children need vs giving them what they want which is not helping them.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Sat, 07/25/2015 - 11:51am

Especially with those trends, I would certainly make them go. Many kids never "want" to do anything. So what? They do not know what is good for them! Sounds like trooper camp is just what your boys need and will give you good tools to leverage their behavior in the future.

I whined about going to summer school when I was a kid but I was made to go for several summers. I had tons of fun while there and got a lot of good enrichment. Don't regret it one bit.

The kids I know who are doing the best are the ones whose summers are filled with these types of things, not the ones where the desire to laze around is indulged for 3 months.

SD16 finally went to summer school this year. She actually loved it and when it was out got "bored." Dad waited until she had 3 Fs and a D before taking this step. Seemed to think it was "punitive" before. But he had no choice this year or she wouldn't graduate. Now he finds out she loves it! Kids don't know up from down. That's why they're kids.

Maneuver around BM and do what's best for your boys: camp.

BDwith2boys's picture

Submitted by BDwith2boys on Sat, 07/25/2015 - 5:43pm

UPDATE

I just received a message over Our Family Wizard from BM that she wants to take them to Camp Cadet instead of me taking them. This is the 4th time she has deviated from the original plan. WTH?!?

How should I respond?

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Sat, 07/25/2015 - 6:37pm

Will she actually follow through? Or will she say she's going to do it then just find a reason to not show up? That's what our bm does.

If you think she really will show up, can you be there at the camp waiting for them? Do the registration and all? I would rather see the boys go than not go, even if she horns in on it. If you are on site and handling paperwork it may reinforce for boys that you are the one driving this bus. Also may push bm toward showing up since she'll know that you will know instantaneously if she backs out.

BDwith2boys's picture

Submitted by BDwith2boys on Sat, 07/25/2015 - 7:36pm

Good point...my son just informed me they are out buying items to go tomorrow. SO, it sounds like they are going to camp.

I registered the boys a month ago and even took them to orientation. There is no need for me to be there and since BM is so unpredictable, I would rather steer clear. Plus, I have a friend that is a volunteer, I have eyes and ears there.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Sat, 07/25/2015 - 7:21pm

The fact that you're using My Family Wizard tells me that your ex has problems with a capital P.

I would go (if it's not too far) but not show it bothers you, simply because it sounds like she's trying to get you riled up or beg her or have to be around her or something. BMs can be weird.

I'd also rather have them go than not go and if she's willing to take them, that's a pissing contest I've already won, and saved on gas money to boot.

"Sure, that's fine." Sounds like a response that is simple, polite, dismissive, not confrontational, and coldly friendly if that makes sense. Nothing more than that. Might drive her crazy, might not.

2burdens's picture

Submitted by 2burdens on Sun, 07/26/2015 - 7:59pm

I think you should make them go. If you ,as their PARENT, feels this would be a positive experience for them, who cares who's weekend it is. Stand your ground, see it thru. Your ex doesn't seem like she knows how to raise MEN. These children are shared between the two of you. This will show them they will not continue to manipulate moms decision making.

BDwith2boys's picture

Submitted by BDwith2boys on Thu, 07/30/2015 - 9:18pm

Actually, I have partial custody and shared legal custody so I do have a say. It just may take the intervention of the court to help with disagreeable decisions.