AT MY BREAKING POINT!!!!!!

Forums:

I honestly do not know where to begin, everything is just so built up and I am so frustrated! So I will start with a little bit of history.

My SS is 10 years old, I have been in his life since he was 3. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 1. We just had our first son together in February. My SS's BM was a junkie for several years and lost custody to her parents who have had all her children since infancy. BM is now sober and has been for a couple of years. Up until January of this year we had been trying to get custody of my SS as long as we have been together, we have had him every weekend for the last 7 years. 2 weeks before I had my son the grandparents decided that my husband should have his son back because they no longer want to deal with the behavioral issues (lucky me) Anyways my SS moved in in january 2 weeks before my son was born. I have never had an issue with my SS, ever. We've always had a great relationship, until now. And it is killing my marriage.

Anything that i ask him to do, chores, pick up after himself, etc. becomes a knock down dragout fight! If I say the sky is blue he would argue that it is red! He constantly runs around the house screaming but only when I put my son down for a nap. He constantly walks up to my 5 month old son and yells "boo!" in his face and scares the crap out of him! If I ask him not to argue with me he tells me not to talk to him! When I tell him he needs to do something he just lays there and yells "WAA!WAA!WAA". Homework is WW3. He lies about homework, hides teachers notes, tells me that I have to pay him for grades if I want him to get good grades.

Now before anyone says i should talk to my husband and have my husband discipline him for his rude, disrespectful behavior, I have. And apparently the problem is ME arguing with my SS, instead of him arguing with me. Anytime I bring up my SS's behavior it turns into a fight and all of a sudden I'm unappreciative and being too hard, and I argue too much.

My husband works out of town most of the time Monday-Friday, so while he's away it's pure hell! And then when he is here when my SS wants him to go outside and play with him he says that he cant because he has to help me with the baby, which he doesnt do, he just sits down and watches tv.

I just recently gave up my career right before summer break because when I went back to work after my leave, my husband could not handle being with the kids for the few hours that I was at work on the weekends. He would send me videos of my son screaming and crying and tell me this is what he does all day when you are gone, like its not hard enough for me having to be away from him to begin with. So when summer break came around i had went on care.com found a suitable sitter that lived within 2 minutes of the house, for a great price, and my SS threw such a huge fit that he was not gonna go to day care or a sitter and there goes my husband chiming right in with him that he cant believe I'm gonna leave the baby with someone we don't know and all this (BTW... We planned on having our son so it was not a surprise, when we were planning his sister had agreed that she would watch the children while I worked since she was a stay SAHM, and 2 weeks back from my leave changed her mind)

I am so frustrated and tired! Im tired of being tired and Im tired of being the one that's wrong all the time. Any Advice please??!!! I'm seriously contemplating whether I should just call it quits and move on with my son.

I third it!

I say grab your baby and

I say grab your baby and run.
You don't need to care for someone else's child. period.
If DH works out of town, why did YOU give up YOUR career?
and you're the bad guy(argumentative, etc) on top of it!?!?!? NO THANK YOU.

Get back to work, put the baby in day care, or stay at home, if you can afford to, and let DH take care of his own child, and pay you cs for your's- he'd likely have to help with daycare expense too.

Please do not set the precedence for being a door mat, and right now, you are giving support to you being the door mat, bad guy, evil stepmother, and why??? Because you are raising your child and your dh's...

Hang in there.
It doesnt get any easier...

Yeap, this is not your fault

Yeap, this is not your fault or your problem. Don't accept either.

Im so sorry to hear you are

Im so sorry to hear you are going through this....and I completely feel your frustration. Sounds like your husband has done the old bait and switch (agree to terms then disagree when it has to happen). Its alright for him as he is away all week so he is totally ignoring your needs....and I mean totally ignoring your needs. How is that being loving and supportive? Wheres the team/partnership here? What is he doing to fix the issue? It takes two to be in marriage and seriously....if he continues to ignore your needs, you have to clearly explain what you are intending to do to fix things for YOU and YOUR child...SS isn't your child and nor is it YOUR exclusive responsibility to raise him. DH is bullying an guilting you into raising HIS son...its emotional blackmail. See it for what it is...take a step back and objectively view the reality. What do you see? I see an immature man bullying his wife into doing something HE doesnt want to do, but EXPECTS you to. How dare he ignore his sons appalling treatment of you, his WIFE and LIFE PARTNER! He is less than a man in my eyes...

Start getting angry at your DH's behavior and write a list of things you need in order to support the family and another list of what you are planning to do if things cant change (to protect your sanity and your childs future)....I had to do this too and I ended up kicking out my DH and his user kids as I refuse to tolerate being disrespected in my own home....it was traumatic and horrible as I honestly called it quits as I could not see me being happy going forward (he was fine but he had everything on tap and wasnt supporting my needs)...

Stand up for yourself...demand to be heard.....be factual (free from emotion) as well as making it clear your plans if things wont change to support your job in HELPING him raise HIS SON. You arent the mother. Give your DH CLEAR guidelines on what you need from him and from SS. Sort of like coming up with a list of rules in the workplace in order to do your job. And if one of those rules is organizing a sitter so YOU can have a break or so you can go back to work, INSIST on it...its not up to him to give you permission. He isnt your boss.

BTW.....we reunited a couple of months later and things have improved tremendously. He still rushes to his kids defense, but IM more clever in orchestrating things for DH to "discover" himself his kids appalling behaviour so that HE has to deal with things.

Let us know how thimgs are going.... good luck

Can you get with an attorney

Can you get with an attorney to see what your rights would be? I think you probably are worried about DH and amount of custody he would have. For those of us with an "ours" if we felt we could leave and have full custody or something I don't think we'd linger as long as we do- I think having a new baby also makes it hard because you want the intact family for that child and you worry about losing control if DH gets time.
How about this? Just disengage. who cares if he does his homework or not. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Maybe for a while just let go on the cleaning up after himself just to cease the arguing.
this child maybe seeking negative attention and so he gets it because his actions get a response from you. Could you try to just say you only have 2 house rules. Clear your own dishes and don't leave stuff in the common space that everyone shares (e.g. he can keep his room a mess-who cares he has to live in it)?
Have you tried to do something just the two of you all? You said you had a good relationship before? Have you given him any special time where he can help with the baby.
/it is SOOOO hard, but maybe see if you can try to disengage some, or create some 1:1 time with just the two of you (you said you had a good relationship) and make sure DH is doing the same that would help with arguing?
SO sorry.

Thanks for the response, You

Thanks for the response, You are right about worrying about the amount of custody issue. We have gotten into fights where divorce was brought up and he will try to take my son he has made that very clear. Another disadvantage is that his family has money that they would willingly sink just to get custody. I on the other hand come from the other side of the tracks grew up in foster homes, group homes, juvenile facilities, etc. which turned into more serious problems as an adult, i have been on the straight and narrow since 2008, but I know that he will do everything in his power and sink every penny of his company and family's money to bury me in court. on the upside he also has a past and gave up custody of his son when he went to prison 10 years ago, so both of us have a past, but he has a lot more support and financial help, where all i have is myself and no money!

"My SS's BM was a junkie for

"My SS's BM was a junkie for several years and lost custody to her parents who have had all her children since infancy."

do courts really take kids from their mothers and give them to GRANDPARENTS before they give them to the FATHER?

If the dad doesn't step up,

If the dad doesn't step up, then yes. The kids will be placed with the grandparents or other family members.

Arizona favors the maternal

Arizona favors the maternal side before paternal, he gave up custody when he went to prison 10 years ago and now they are letting him adopt him back

Sounds like your DH, his son

Sounds like your DH, his son and his FAMILY are all nutso. They have no integrity.

You will do what you want, of course, but I have to warn you that if you stay, you will just waste years of your life you could be using for better purposes...plus probably have a child full of anxiety!

This site is kind of making

This site is kind of making me sad because I just see a lot of " give up it will never work" attitudes. I kind of understand because that's the easiest thing to do but.... I don't think most of the time it's possible to get the full story or make any judgments there just isn't time. First your SS has problems no discipline no guidance he obviously needs these things.How about wake up in the morning and make him an awesome pancake breakfast and be sweet and pick one simple thing you would like to see him do that day ( make your bed etc) if you do that and do a good job maybe we can go to the park later? Or whatever he would really like to do. Let him run around get crazy get out some nervous energy and when you get home tell him how much fun you had and ask if he can please be quiet while you put the baby down for a nap and watch a video with him while the baby sleeps. Take a picture of him at the park and when Dad gets home say" how cool is this picture he was so good today he did XYZ so we went to the park and had a great time! He was even good while I put the baby down! I'm really proud of him today!" This kid is looking for attention through bad behavior because that's all he knows! Give him attention for good behavior instead. Baby steps it will take a long time but it will only benefit you to keep trying and celebrate the small victories it will only lead to bigger ones. Don't yell or let him see you angry be calm to the point and tell him what he did that was wrong why it was wrong and what the (reasonable)consequences will be the next time he does it and enforce those consequences.Explain it in a way that it is his choice to make and give him some control. If he throws a fit ignore it and stay calm.Worry about the career in a few months focus on happy home life for now and tell your husband that you are going back to work when baby is XYZ age. Then get a sitter and go for it. Work will suck with that much stress at home wait until you get home life handled a bit. Get a parenting book might be helpful you are new to this and no one has all the answers.