Work, Eat, Sleep, Rinse and Repeat.
I work, He works, I do 80% of the house and yard work, the other 20% is divided between him and mostly my kids. He wants to enjoy his days off. I'd like to enjoy my days off but in all honesty I'm a mom/Stepmom (when do we get days off?). He wants or wants to do something and I support him. I want something the answer is "No" and if I really want it I have to find a way to get it for myself. If I want to go do something and am told to go do to but always left feeling like I have to do whatever it is by myself. Its worse when the step kids are with us. Seriously feel like I don't matter when they are here.
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Don't be a victim in your own
Don't be a victim in your own life. Be the hero in your life.
If he no longer likes yard work, move into a condo. No yard work.
If you are doing most of the dishes, get paper plates so its easy clean up a couple times a week.
whatever you both did that brought you together, do more of that.
where there is a will there is a way.
Or great sex.
Or great sex.
When we met he was always
When we met he was always happy, positive, smiling etc. It wasn't about him, or his ex, or the kids. It was about us, and building something together. then BM found out he was moving on and dating again. Things went down hill from there and are continuing to go down hill. The SK are always complaining how their BM kicks them outside to play so that she and her BF can have alone time.... I can totally understand why she does that. When we have the kids its all about them, making them feel wanted, giving and doing things with them so that they don't feel unwanted/unloved like they say they feel at BM house because she kicks them outside. Personally I think they are playing their dad and I'm now the evil spouse/step mom. We don't have date nights because we can never find babysitters so My ex and I are now trying to arrange his time with our kids to be when the SK are with their mom which is difficult when you consider working around three people work schedule (mine, my ex, and my spouses).
I completely agree
I completely agree
I believe it's time to take a
I believe it's time to take a very long, hard look at your life and your relationship.
Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? Yes or No.
Is this the kind of relationship you truly want and need? Yes or No.
Do you really want to live with an unsupportive, unreliable and unhelpful partner? Yes or No.
Do you really feel your partner has the right to yea or nay your activities outside the house? Yes or No.
Is your partner meeting your needs emotionally, physically and mentally? Yes or No.
Bottom line, if he's not pulling his weight in the home, enjoying life and activities outside of the home without you, denying you the same breaks and putting the burden of all the kids, the home and the relationship on your shoulders, then he is not a good man.
If you were my best friend, coming to me with this story, I would tell you to leave this man. Think about your needs. Think about your own kids and their needs. Think about if you want to be teaching them this is an appropriate relationship.
On a side note, your SO/H isolating you and keeping you from friends and family is a sign of mental and emotional abuse.
He isn't keeping me from
He isn't keeping me from seeing friends or family. My family are either dead or lost contact with them years ago. I'm new to this community so when it comes to friends I haven't really made any. Leaving isn't an option; I was raised if its broke fix it plus I don't want to hurt my kids again by forcing them to uproot and move again (its a big fear/stress of theirs). Yes, we started dating while he was going through his separation/divorce and it likely wont be finalized for a while yet. I want what we had before BM found out and started making life difficult/stressful.
You do understand the
You do understand the principal of "If it's broke, fix it." doesn't necessarily mean staying with someone that is no good for you, don't you?
Fixing your situation can mean changing your life, getting out of your situation and fixing your life. Not your relationship with a man who is NOT going to change.
What you saw in the early months was the honeymoon period. What you're experiencing now is your new reality and how he truly is as a partner. You're not going to fix this because you're not going to change him. You are looking at years of more of the same.
Again, I ask you, do you want to raise your kids to believe this is a good relationship? The kind of relationship they want for themselves later down the road?
Or would your rather teach your kids to recognize mistakes and go about correcting them. Not fixing their mistakes, but admitting they made a wrong choice and now they are free to make the right choice.
And so are you. You are free to recognize the mistake you made choosing to be with this man and move on from this situation. You are free to make a better life for you and your kids. You are free to find someone who is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Respected, loved and cherished as an equal partner in your relationship.
You said "He isn't keeping me from seeing friends or family." You deliberately chose to ignore the context of what I was saying and your own words. He goes out all of the time and does his own thing, but tells you NO when you wish to do the same.
He is keeping you from meeting new people and making new friends so you'll be stuck at home when you're not working. Taking care of his kids and cleaning his house.
Despite their fear of being uprooted, your kids do need stability, balance and calm in their home. Are you providing all of these things for your kids now? Or are you using them as an excuse to not change your situation because you're frighted to do so?
This man is involved in a volatile relationship with his ex already. He's looking for someone to be his maid, nanny and whore. All while you're bringing in a paycheck to help cover his expenses.
As long as you stay with him, he's going to continue to whittle down your self worth until you feel he is what you deserve.
When you get away from him, you'll be stronger and realize you are so much better than the person he believes you to be.
Remaining in a relationship
Remaining in a relationship with a man who treats you like trash will hurt kids.
They will grow to believe that it's OK for them to treat the person they claim to love like garbage. Or they will think they have to stay with someone who treats them like shit.
Once your kid are old enough to figure out you were not strong enough to leave this creep, they lose a bit of respect for you.
^^^Exactly this^^^
^^^Exactly this^^^
they love their stepdad and
they love their stepdad and he treats them amazingly so even though everyone on here say I should leave that's a hard one to do. I want to hope that this is a phase brought on by BM, the fight they are going through, the affect it has on the sk, the desire by him to prove to his kids that he loves them and so on. I know for me when I get stressed I like to be alone to pull myself back together/regroup. I don't know if that's his case but everything his friends/family sat he is and what he said he was as a partner to her are not who he is right now.
^^This ^^ Missed you
^^This
Missed you recently, Sueu2. You put a lot of thought into your posts whether they are popular or not.
OP ... the wishful thinking aspect of your current life will likely lead you to waste years and years of your life. This is your best life and your partner's best effort. It's really not about the BM, it's about your SO. Remember that great parenting moments include "do-overs."
If he isn't pulling his fair
If he isn't pulling his fair share around the house you have 3 options:
Keeping doing more than your share.
Stop doing part of it - if he doesn't pick up the slack, it doesn't get done.
Hire it out. A good place to start would be the yard work. I don't know how you handle finances, but he should pay for his half of the chores if he is not going to do them himself.
Just because you are the woman does not mean you should do most of the work around the house. Especially if you are both working!
Yes my kids call him stepdad,
Yes my kids call him stepdad, his youngest calls me mom. We never has the traditional dating period, dates are/where mostly family outings with the kids. We've been together a Year, living together for 10mths. No he doesn't hit me, No he doesn't yell at me, No he doesn't belittle me or degrade me in private or in front of others. Yes I do majority of the work, I also only work 1-3days a week, he Works 5-6days a week (nights and days). Bills are covered by both of us based on the percentage our income makes up the house hold income (he pays majority as he makes way more then me). He feels guilty/upset every time his kids come here complaining that BM kicks them outside to spend time with her guy, that she doesn't want them, doesn't love them and that he has to make up for how the kids say BM makes them feel. We had a long talk with each other and where our relationship is headed. We also had a talk with all "6" kids that they have no right complaining that the parent doesn't love or want them because BM, BD, or either of us makes time to spend with our partners without kids as these alone times are needed for adults to build, grow, connect and maintain loving relationships. We all (BM, BD, and each other) make time to spend with each kid one on one, and family time with all them.
Your initial post made it
Your initial post made it sound like you both worked full time outside the home. If you only work 1 to 3 days a week and he works rotating shifts 5 days a week than it does seem reasonable that you do more around the house.
Your last post seems somewhat at odds with your first post. I'm thinking it was written after you had the "talk." Hopefully the discussion will help.
My last post was written
My last post was written after our talk. its not the work load that bothers me so much as Its that the kids and his wants always seemed more important then mine and I often feel pushed aside and like I'm just a shadow standing in the corner when the SK are here. I am optimistic this will change. He feels/felt like he owes them for the ways things are at BM even though its not his fault. and to clarify my 1-3 days a week are 24hr (8am-8am) shifts working as a paramedic ($48/day guaranteed pay plus $20/hr if we get dispatched to a call).
OK, now I have to go back to
OK, now I have to go back to my original advice - housework should be shared equally. Shift work is hard, especially the kind of work you do.
I'm sorry you feel like a shadow - that is a very descriptive way of describing your situation. I hope your situation does change. One thing that will help is for you to start standing up for yourself. His feelings of guilt should not over ride his treatment of you.