Lesbian Step Mom Frustrations
I've read through numerous posts on this board and I would like to say thank you for all the comfort and support this community offers!
I'm going to try to make this story as short as possible.
My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and we moved in together in January. She has two kids with 2 different dads. The boy who is 6, let's call him J and the girl who is 4, let's call her L.
The dads are in both of their lives and the time is divided between us and the dads equally. I've met both dads and we get along just fine. We meet at J's basketball and soccer games and L's daycare and everything is cordial.
I don't believe my issues necessarily stem from the dads. Most issues stem from other things:
1. Me and my gf are both relatively young--both 27. Prior to meeting her I never saw myself with kids, I saw myself living my life with a successful career and maybe having 1 kid..but never put too much thought into it.
2. I have no idea what I'm doing half the time(with the kids) and although the kids respect me...I feel so frustrated by them (mostly L) all the time. L just cries for no reason at all and I have no idea how to manage her.
3. My GF sees us as a "unit" and so do I, but alot of pressure is put on me to forego other things when we have the kids for our weekend. She wants us to have as much time together as possible. Don't get me wrong--I love our time together, but sometimes I want to say, "Hey I won't be here Saturday because I really want to go to this event" but I want it without the "but it's our weekend with the kids" statement.
These last few weeks I just feel lost, confused, frustrated, and just plain grumpy. It's plain to see I'm not happy and my GF always asks me what's wrong. I have spoken to her about some of the issues and some things have gotten better but I still feel sad and frustrated. I don't know what to do next. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
-JustLost
Hi, Justlost! Apparently your
Hi, Justlost!
Apparently your GF wants you to be as engaged as possible with her kids and apparently will not have it otherwise. So, my advise to you, as I've been there, is to either get some therapy, breathe everything in and get used to living like that or get away.
Most parents in blended families dream about a "whole" family, where all the roles are taken: 2 parental figures and the kids. When you don't want to engage in a "kid" activity or show lack of enthusiasm while doing it, the parent usually gets sad and/or frustrated as he/she doesn't understand it. I'm not a mother but I can understand that; what I can't understand is how parents don't realize that it's THEIR kid, who must and should me treated fairly, politely and affectionately by their partner who, aside from that, should not be/feel obligated to engage otherwise.
If you GF can't handle that, you'll end up resenting each other and the relationship is doomed.
Sorry...
There is no reason that there
There is no reason that there can't be a balance. Times when you all do things together and times when the kids do things with just their mom and you do your own thing.
Like I told my DH, I did not want his daughter to think that I was trying to come between them by never giving them time to do things together, just the two of them.
"but it's our weekend with the kids"
No, it's HER weekend with the kids, you don't have any.
I never wanted kids and although my SD was a good kid, I didn't always want to spend every other weekend doing everything with her. She was there to spend time with her dad, not me. So, I tried to keep a balance. I didn't want her to think I didn't want to be around her at all but being child free myself, I wanted to be able to do things with a friend or whatever on those weekends.
1 - It is important that you
1 - It is important that you do things with her and her children
2 - It is important you do things on your own, even when the kids are there.
3 - She needs to come to terms with the fact that you like them but the are not yours. You need to be a good role model and support her in her parenting but you infact are not the parent.
Your will become resentful if you continue on.
Sit her down, tell her you love her and really like her kids but you feel it is important to do things together, things apart and things together - just the two of you.
Also you should still do things together even when the kids are their sometimes. Get a sitter you both trust.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the wonderful responses!
I completely agree with all of the above. I think I am becoming resentful towards her AND the kids because of this. We do have a good balance of togetherness with the kids and alone time, but I really feel like I am missing "me" time. I will definitely sit her down and have an honest conversation about things.
I just don't want to feel so frustrated and depressed anymore...it sucks.
A very common issue with
A very common issue with blended family couples regardless of the gender of the members of the couple. This is not a lesbian SM thing IMHO. It is just a Sparent thing.
There is generally a regular series of these kinds of things to deal with in a blended family couple. In our case we just have the one kid in the picture on our side of the equation. I am sure it is amplified for couples who both have Skids in the picture. It seems that the bio parent in the picture instantly defaults to "we can't because a) the kid is here or b) the kid is not here". For the first few years of our marriage I supported this type of perspective because it was a major emotional issue for my bride. Finally I got tired of missing things that I wanted to participate in so I informed my wife that I would no longer miss out on those things and she could join me ... or not. If it turned out to be an event that the kid might enjoy and he missed it because he was on Sperm Clan visitation we could do it again when he was with us. If he was with us, he could go to the event with us or we could get a sitter.
It took a couple of years for the lamentations regarding my Skids presence or lack of presence to subside but she eventually came around.
So, I suggest that you tell your GF that the two of you are going and that the kids presence or lack of presence will have no impact on your attendance and you hope that your GF will go with you.
Then the ball is in her court.
Good luck.
I am also a lesbian step mom.
I am also a lesbian step mom. Ive helped my GF raise her two children for the past 8/9 years and let me tell you if I knew how it was going to be I would have run a mile! Easier said than done I know.