FH isn't guilt parenting..he's just LAZY
That is the truth..it hit me last night. SS got in trouble at babysitter Friday..so as soon as I picked him up I brought him to FH's job. FH told him - straight to your room, no tv, no toys..we go home..SS goes to room..but than we left to meet FH for dinner..after dinner I had to pick up BD from her frien'ds house. I come home about 930pm..FH is outside with neighbor drinking a beer and SS is running around in yard playing! WTF! I should've handled it better..but I shot out of my mouth - WHY is he outside playing , he's on punishment????? Fh just blew it off.
Yesterday, pick up SS from daycare..and SS was REALLY bad..did not follow orders at all and has been grounded from going outside for the week at daycare - babysitter tells me that she just can't handle this child..he is a quiet, good kid..but just outright does not listen in your face. I tell her to tell FH cuz' he's not listening to me..so she forwards me the texts she sends to FH later in the evening. All FH said was "I'm sorry he acted that way today". So I ask FH last night if he spoke to SS. I told him he NEEDS to be discipline..Fh said "I'll take care of it.." nope..he said nothing to him, no discipline. I told FH well when you don't have anyone to watch him this time..I will NOT be helping you out of the situation.
I'm SOOO frustrated.
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Lazyness can be fixed guilt parenting near impossible..
What I would do is just take over the discipline role. Yes it will be hard with no support from DH but at least he will not fight you tooth and nail as with Guilt parenting. Depending on SS's age I would hold SS responsible to remember his punishment and if he slips up when you are not there hold him accountable. After time when SS sees you are not kidding his behavoir should get better.
sarah..
Problem is I tried that. I told FH "well since he didn't get to really have his punishment tonight..he will be punished tomorrow on Sat." FH was astounded and said that didn't make sense to ground him the next day for something he did that day..so than when SS did go upstairs I followed him and turned his tv off and he started having a temper tantrum...FH immediately got mad at me for turning his tv off..that is when I just said "F*** it" I'm not gonna deal with it.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
I maybe wrong but now that you told me that..
it sounds more like guilt parenting than lazyness. Someone who is a lazy parent would love to have you step-up and take over the job. But to me it seem your DH ignores the behavior but jumps in in you try and discipline SS. This is exactly what my DH does and he has full blown guilt parenting.
sarah
lol..honestly I think it's a combination of lazyness AND he HATES..HATES to EVER admit he is wrong..if he does something blatantly wrong he will walk in hell before he says sorry..so I think any type of discipline to SS is a case of him admitting he is wrong.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
give it some time
if you start planting seeds, eventually he will get it! i think some men feel dumb when they are caught not holding up to the rules. fh did do this, ss would pee his pants and rather then ss throwing a fit he would still get to watch his tv when he went to bed, and i would say something and then fh would go and shut it off, but then i looked like the bad guy and tattle tale...
last night ss for a minute started acting up and walked off the field to bm, fh stood up and said ss get out there now, when he didnt, fh started folding up his chair to leave, i didnt even say a word!!! I think he will get there, just keep trying in a non nagging way to remind him of the rules and punishments you have established.
i think most men by a certain age have been trained its just easier to give women/kids what they want so they stop complaining/whining.
smnikki
Yes..your answer made alot of sense at least in my case..both the daycare worker and myself continually tell FH of Ss's behavior..I've backed off a little. with all our arguing the past few weeks I figured it was just another "bitchen" that he would just not hear..so I've let it go a little and will pick my battles. FH has made statements like "well if babysitter doesn't want to watch him anymore I'll just find someone new" I told him NO..you take care of the problem..you can't keep bouncing him around. The child is going into 1st grade..the teachers aren't going to put up with such behavior as much as kindergarden..what will FH do than ? EVENTUALLY he will have to face this behavior problem.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
fh did this with mil too
fh at first did not stand up to my mil, she pulled some real nasty things!! i would bring it to his attention and we would fight, but the more things she pulled, he saw her for what she is! i no longer really have to say a word, fh handles her with out a stitch of conflict! monday mil called to attack me again, i told her that if she cared about fh and "mending their relationship" then she and grandma would have come to my shower to support their son/grandson, her going through the motions of apologizing to me is not what fh cares about, bottom line is they should have been there, and to me its a matter of class. people have to have priorities in life! and clearly her mending things with fh is not one of them. she called fh to say i told her their family had no class blah blah blah, he told her he didnt want to hear it, i was right and hung up!!!
as fo things with ss, i recommend, tell fh, lets do it my way for a week, if it doesnt work, then you go back to doing it your way...in my home we still go by the ways i suggested, because obviously fh saw that they worked, and its much easier to live with a happy wife and a child that is behaving, then to let ss run a muck!
DH was/is like this
I think you just have to keep "showing" them the right way and hope a light bulb goes off.
We were planning to go to a friend's birthday party and SD was acting up and getting in trouble. DH decided not to take her to the party because he didn't want to deal with her attitude. I said, "No way. She is going. And she will either behave or not behave, in which case people will see what she is like. But you will NOT leave her home, which is a reward, just because it's easier for you." He went along with it, even though he didn't like it. But he was basically going to reward her negative behavior so he didn't have to "punish" himself. Uh uh.
One of my favorite lightbulb moments for DH came without me doing A THING. SD was about 8 and in private school. She had a teacher she just worshipped. Well, at the parent-teacher conference that teacher told DH that SD was a problem in class, didn't want to do what she told, didn't think she should have to answer to an authority figure (teacher), and that basically teacher didn't enjoy having her in class. This from a teacher SD thought was SO awesome. That really made DH think about SD's behavior (even though he did NOTHING to change it).