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Issues with his ex and my mother in law

momof4AU's picture

Anyone else have issues with MILs catering to BM every whim? I have a SD, a DS from previous marriage and my husband and I have two kids of our own together. My MIL plays favorites....SD is hands-down her favorite. She doesn't give nearly the attention or gifts to my other kids, and that bothers the crap out of me. The other problem I have is that when BM says "Jump" MIL says "how high?" - BM is a narcissist, and is playing games with everyone...all the time. MIL goes out of her way to give money to the BM when BM doesn't spend it on SD at all. If we can't afford to buy my SD extras or pay for extracurricular activities, she will call MIL And BOOM....like magic, her wish is granted. I've tried to warn MIL that she is being manipulated, and DH has too but it doesn't work. The woman won't listen. Meanwhile, my children go without a lot of the time because it seems like BM and SD get whatever they want, whenever they want. There are tons of other issues, but I'll post those later. Anyone else deal with this? Hubby pays BM child support, so she isn't hurting for money. She is also getting child support from her other baby Daddy AND her new boyfriend is being bled dry as well. Sound familiar to anyone? Do I let it go and harbor the resentment? MIL And I aren't that close anyway, but I hate it for my kids that she so blatantly plays favorites.

Learning to Stepparent's picture

Before you mentioned the other baby daddy I thought perhaps we were dealing with the same BM.

Yes, my MIL favors SD5 over all others and yes, it bothers me too. Over the years MIL has given BM a car, thousands of dollars in cash, let her stay at their house, bought presents for BM to give SD, it goes on and on. We keep trying to tell MIL that BM is using her but she won't listen. If the woman has the money for 3 vacations this year and a new car then she has money to buy SD Christmas and birthday presents.

momof4AU's picture

Thank you all for listening. It feels good to get it off my chest! I think MIL And BM are a lot alike. There is so much more to the story, they are both narcissistic and both terrible mothers but in a nutshell...My MIL And I are cordial on the surface, but we pretty much don't care for one another. If SD starts whining about wanting something, I'll just tell her to go to her grandmother. Same for BM. We pay child support. We also have other children, so if SD and BM want something extra....they can sucker my MIL. I am done. I need peace, so I'll let it go. But she has definitely let me know where her loyalties are, and me and my little people are not first.

Rags's picture

Nope, I would not let it go. I would keep it front and center right in MIL's face and everyone else's faces for that matter. I would call her on it aggressively and publically each and every time it happened. I would do it whether your SO wanted you to or not. Ignoring it just lets it fester.

Confront it so that at least you feel better and you know that MIL and everyone else knows that their bullshit is in the spotlight. The key to this strategy is zero tolerance.

If you have to, keep a spread sheet of time spent by MIL on each kid, gifts given, activities that MIL takes each kid on, etc... that way when you have built up the pressure of the acts and she plays the "I am fair" card you can pull out the spread sheet and say "Oh really. Lets verify that why don't we?"

IMHO if you ignore or tolerate idiot behavior nothing is resolved and only you are irritated by the idiocy. Confront it, broadcast it publically, and there is a much better chance of influencing it. And at the very least the Skids see you having their backs. This also prevents the kids from drinking the Kool-Aid that the toxic opposition is serving. Just maybe the kids will figure out reality and be able to move past it as they progress to adulthood.

momof4AU's picture

A spreadsheet is a good idea. I try not to be petty, but when her favoritism is so obvious to everyone, I think maybe I'm not being petty. It goes deeper than money. She has never attended a special event for any of the other children (one step grandkid with special needs, and two blood grandchildren) but she attends EVERY single event of SD 11. She has attended school events, grandparents day, soccer games, softball games, etc. NOT ONE time has she come to anything for the other kids. SD 11 gets big birthday gifts and Christmas gifts ($100 American Girl dolls and clothes) and the others get cheap crap. It really is ridiculous. Plus, she gives money to BM and will pick SD 11 up and drop her off (80 mile round trip) when she wants to visit. She barely even visits the others.....even when we lived close to her. She clearly only has one grandchild. She doesn't seem to acknowledge the ones I gave birth to.

sma08mommyof1's picture

This is how it is with my future MIL and my fiances ex wife and son....im terrified when we get married and have children it will be like this...I feel for you.