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I know that I am not a bad person, ex wife, wife, mother, stepmother, friend, daughter or sister...

increasinglyresentful's picture

Submitted by increasinglyres... on Sat, 02/04/2012 - 3:42pm

in fact Im pretty damn good at all of those roles, I put the effort in, I'm there when I'm needed, I go the extra mile, I identify problems, I consider feelings, I problem solve, I smooth things over, I work hard, I provide love, care, support, fun, boundaries and happiness. I am there...for everyone...all of the time.. I drop everything, I push my feelings aside, I let myself go, I accommodate others and I cry in the shower ..privately.

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bestwife's picture

Submitted by bestwife on Sat, 02/04/2012 - 4:03pm

Not me!
I'm there when I want to be, not just because I am needed.
I ignore problems when I can
I consider dh feelings - heck with the rest of them
I don't try to solve problems that are not mine
I don't try to smooth things over
I work hard for us, no one else
......
And I still cry in the shower sometimes.

DTK's picture

Submitted by DTK on Sat, 02/04/2012 - 4:46pm

Martyrdom in this fashion leads to you becoming a doormat. Stop trying to please everyone else and focus on yourself more. To people-please to the extent that you are is not healthy and will only lead to you to become resentful of people in your life.

Learn how to say "no" to people!

Lalena75's picture

Submitted by Lalena75 on Sat, 02/04/2012 - 5:18pm

I spent 15 years being a marytr all about whatever made my now ex happy and providing EveryThing for our family, when I stopped sacrificing MY happiness and started doing what was best for my kids and myself I found a wonderful new life stressful sometimes but way happier and because of that I found my SO who treats me like a treasure and respects me for having boundries and expectations. That and finding this site as soon as he and I got serious and knowing he had kids I've been so far successful in having balance, and I haven't cried in the shower in 7 months. (Yep I remember the last time I did and why)

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sun, 02/05/2012 - 9:48am

Honey, take this from a previous 'doormat', you have lost yourself and when you are in the shower you don't recognise yourself.

Oooo so many of us have walked your path. Smiling and being the 'got to' person for everyones issues, the fix-it girl, the shoulder to cry on, the organiser, the memory board for everyones lives.

Yet we lose our identity in what we are to others and what we aren't to ourselves. Time to reclaim yourself. Start small. Stop for coffee JUST for you. Pick up a magazine subscription JUST for you. Buy some earrings JUST for you and JUST because they are pretty. Take a magazine and drive to a park or coffee shop and sit and read JUST by yourself. 1 hour for yourself. No interruptions. Turn your phone off. Just you and your coffee/chocolate/tea and your magazine.

Then you say "I am sorry, I can't help you today." Just once a week don't be the go-to person.

And please, speak to your DH/SO about how you are feeling swamped and drowning in being the answer bearer and extra hander for everyone else and you are asking for help in letting go or you will one day wake up 1000 miles from home in a hotel somewhere because your brain shut down and your little trip to pick up extra food for a party ended up in you going mentally AWOL.

Actually start by turning off your phone for a couple hours a day. Unless you are waiting for a kidney no one is THAT important. My family have got the message I am not aailable 24/7.

You will be in my prayers. We care about you and expect nothing from you.

New Mama's picture

Submitted by New Mama on Sun, 02/05/2012 - 2:30pm

I recently started crying in the shower.... and I hate it.

I disengaged about a month ago and my family started falling apart. Litterally. This was my greatest fear but I just couldn't being everyone's "go to guy" and keep my sanity. SS7's behavior took a turn for the worse and DH and I are now in therapy. I'm re-engaged now on a very limited basis.

Yesterday, I took myself out for coffee and did our grocery shopping alone. We usually do this together to make sure everyone gets what they want/need but it always turns into me yelling at SS7 to be good and ends with DH and I arguing because I'm being mean to SS7 for asking him to stop behaving like a rude little jerk. Shopping alone was liberating. And frankly, I don't give a damn if SS7 has snacks for school or DH has what he wants - they way they've been treating me, they don't really deserve them. I made sure BD1 and I have what we need and that's all intend to worry about any more.

I plan on doing shopping alone from now on. I am also taking money from our budget to have a girls night out with my friends. Hell, I might even take myself out for a pedicure. After the crap Dh and SS7 put me thru, I deserve it.