Limits with stepchildren. Where do i belong? Please help very confused.
Hi, Im am a dm of 3 ages 12boy, 15girl, and a 18girl(18girl not at home). I left my ex after 19 years because he was a controlling, alcoholic and verbally abusive man. So after I left all I was looking for was happiness. I meet a wonderful man that was nothing like my ex. I love him so much he is a dd and has 2, a 4girl, and a 9girl. we all live together for the past year and a half and for the most part goes pretty well until the bio-mom starts stuff. But finding my self very un happy and don't want to be. His ex even mine is so controlling but I deel with mine. she doesn't' want me around her kids said I was bulling then when I was only joking with them. Asked for me not to be at their events but I still do. She's pushed me because she didn't want to leave kids with me when he was working and kids didn't want to leave And recently told the girls I was a bitch and don't listen to me in my own home. (really). She then started saying my kids were threatening hers and that's not at all true they would protect them and consider them sisters they all do. this is really starting to get in between me and him. Im finding myself to being withdrawing when there around and lately don't know what to do. what is my part in al this? where do I belong? I believe in my home is ours , we make rules and we do as we want. I come from both side and do not act like that with m ex at all. I understand new people come in to their life's and are ok with it. Being how my ex is and me having to make my children go as long as he is being good to them im ok , I even messaged his gf and said thank you for being there for my kids. they like her and I feel better with her being there. Please help im at my witz end.... so many things have happened. Is this jealousy?
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This is not jealousy. This is
This is not jealousy. This is life when dealing with a crazy BM. My advice? Sit down with your (DH? SO?) and make sure you have firm house rules and boundaries. Also establish firm boundaries with BM and avoid her at all costs in public. Also, if you are allowed to record in your state, always record when BM is around, ALWAYS. Also, do not allow your children to be alone with the skids. I know they get along, but you don't want to give BM any reason to make up even more (and more serious) lies about your kids. I'd also avoid being alone with the skids as well. I may even install a drop cam in general areas so you have proof if accusations are made. Then, keep an open dialogue with the skids. BM tells them not to listen to you? Well what if they are about to get run over by a car and you warn them but they don't listen so they are hit by the car? I've found those types of examples help the kids understand why, no matter what their mom says, they should listen to you. I'd also mention that BM has nothing to do with your house and your family and has no say in what goes on there.
Other than that, disengage from the drama. Set the boundaries and let him deal with BM. If he isn't willing to enforce those boundaries, you may have to re-think the relationship, and that's okay. You decide your limits and your hills to die on and stick with that. You also decide (with your SO) your place and his place with the kids. Repeat, this house has nothing to do with BM.
Thank you fakemommy think
Thank you fakemommy think that's what I needed to hear! Im making some choices now! All I really ask for is to not allow her in our home and in-between us. I never want to take her place I wouldn't do that at all, I ask for is respect in my home because I will not live here with her in it! So thanks again for the advice!
I do not try at all to parent
I do not try at all to parent the kids! But I will say I will love them as my own and I will treat them the same. And yes my husband does feel the same as me. And why should I quit going to kids functions when they want me there. Id say since im on both ends their is no reason a step mom cant love someone else's kids. Because she's controlling and jealous ! That means she has issues not my problem. And when he's working, yes I have all rights to have kids with me this is our family and I will be their to help him and support him as he wants and that's even per the attorney. Im sorry but what you said is totally bs to me. Joking with the kids isn't bad and to bring some laughter in to their life's and I wont stop either my husband does as well.