Hi all, new here, need advice, support and anything else!
:?
I have an almost 18-year old S and a 15-year old D.
I live with my BF for the last almost 2-years. Our relationship went really fast and I have been divorced for 3-years.
There usually seems to be tension in the house when the kids are here. I have them every other week. I admit that my kids are spoiled and at times believe that they are entitled. But at the same time they are very well mannered and stay out of trouble.
My BF does get upset because the kids don't show him the respect that they should. Example, BF walks out of his room and says "hi" and my D acts like she doesn't hear him or they both don't say anything. Also they just don't have anything really to say.
Then we have the trouble when they are lazy and don't pick up after themselves or say thanks for dinner, like thanks or attempt to help out. Or they eat everything in one day and wonder where the food went. Now before people say, those are just normal kids, I agree to a point but I try and get them to understand that it comes across as rude. BF will make comments to me about it and I feel like I am in the middle.
There just is so much tension the week that I have the kids that it makes me walk on egg shells and I don't look forward to any of it.
Do we sit down and talk about it as a family and get it all out in the open? Do I talk to them solo or what. I know things wont be perfect but I want everyone to feel like this is their home and feel safe here.
Another example: Yesterday BF accidently broke a piece off D's bed because he had to get to the electric box, I didn't know that this happened and he forgot. She came out and said, "was there an earthquake in my room", with a rude tone. I went in there and BF said he forgot but he broke it and would fix it. But she got her feelings hurt, her room, her bed and it wasn't fixed. I see her side but there was/is a better way to come and ask about it. He kind of snapped and said he didn't do it on purpose. Anyway now she isn't talking to anyone.
Thanks
First you say the kids are
First you say the kids are very well mannered, then you go on to tell us how rude and disrespectful they can be. Nope, not particularly 'normal kid' stuff as they see to have a mother who doesn't expect manners out of them nor respect consistently.
Anyway....your BF was wrong to enter the daughter's room, break off a piece of the bed and not bother to mention it. I'd have came out of my room as a teen and asked what happened to. I can't say I would have done it 100% politely either. If your BF wants respected, you needs to give the same consideration to the daughter. He needed to fix her broken piece right after it happened and he was finished with whatever task he went in there for. Then he needed to mention it to her. Not let her just walk in and discover the repaired bed.
Moving on....why do you have no expectations of normal household responsibilities from your children? They should be doing routine chores during the week on time at home. Helping before or after dinner would be considered an acceptable task of kids their ages.
Discuss with BF what the household expectations should be in the home as where as expectations, then you and/or you and he sit the kids down and talk. You should probably toss in an apology from BF to your daughter too that he is sorry he damaged her bed, forget to mention it. Remember respect and manners are a two way street.
You have to make a decision
You have to make a decision based on where you think the relationship with your BF is going. If you think it is not going to last long, then allow your kids to be rude and disrespectful to him. Side with them, tell him he is imagining things or making a big deal out of them "just being kids". In no time at all you'll be rid of him.
If you want a long lasting relationship with BF demonstrate to your children that you and your BF are on the same page, and will not allow rudeness and disrespect toward anyone in the house. Your D's answer to accidents or disagreements is to pull a tantrum and punish by refusing to speak to anyone. She's 15, not 2. She should be on her way to being an adult, learning how adults deal with disagreements or disappointments. How do you picture this? When she is looking for a job in the future how do you think she should relate to other people?
i understand why the bf is
i understand why the bf is upset.
the mother does not insist her children to be polite to him. i agree with politeness.
and asking children to clean up is not special. its called parenting.
the bf has a right to be upset.
You're making yourself be in
You're making yourself be in the middle of this. The easiest solution? Teach your children manners and how to show respect. They are spoilt 'cos you allow them to be. I would never allow my Bio kids to disrespect SO the same way that SO wouldn't allow his kids to disrespect me/us.
You are teaching your kids that by disrespecting HIM they are disrespecting YOUR choice in a partner. Nip that in the bud now.
Doesn't sound like normal kid
Doesn't sound like normal kid stuff at all. They sound quite rude and I don't think your BF should tolerate it. Why would you allow them to be rude to him, I don't get it.