Adult Step Daughter Moved In - HELP!
I have been married for 12 years and have one elementary school aged child with my husband. My husband has two children from his previous marriage that and 23. When the children were growing up, their mother was their primary residential parent and we only saw them for dinner, vacations and every other weekend. The eldest graduated from college and since their mother relocated out of state, the eldest moved home with us in June. I repeat, the kids have never lived with us. For years, my husband has suffered from divorced dad syndrome and since he was not around very much when they were growing up or involved, he always gives them what they want and has never ever set clear boundaries or said "no" in so many ways. We are both working professionals and live a very nice lifestyle so the kids have never had to go without. Also, a few years ago, we took a vacation where the youngest step child was very rude to me the entire trip and he just let it happen. When we returned I almost left my husband until we saw a therapist and he agreed and admitted he was wrong and had his youngest apologize for her behavior. Things were fine again for awhile.
The main problem we have, and I wonder if others have this too, is a double standard. My husband picks at me for lots of things but NEVER says a word to his kids about anything. I simply cannot stand that he treats his kids one way and me another. I know their relationship is dysfunctional but it's ruining my marriage when I see him treat them one way and me another. He knows it too.
Before the eldest moved in, my husband promised we would sit down, set up clear expectations, rules, etc. OF COURSE, IT NEVER HAPPENED. She moved in, doesn't pay rent, and cleans up after herself but that's it. She will help out if I ask, and sometimes she will do other things to help clean up, but I buy all the groceries, cook all the meals, clean the rest of the house etc. She will clean her bathroom she shares with her younger siblings, but sometimes I have to ask her to do it sooner since it gets dirtier than I would like. My eldest just got a full time job.
There is no plan for her to move out. She doesn't pay rent, I buy all the groceries and do all the cooking. My husband said that there is no plan and he won't make a plan because she's slowly working her way to self sufficiency. Well at her income she won't be self sufficient for a long time. Especially when both his girls have extremely expensive taste and spend most of their $ on clothing and makeup. I gave him sort of an ultimatum the last few days and told him I couldn't take it anymore and that if he doesn't make some sort of plan then I have to leave because I cannot stand to see the way he treats them and me.
I've sought out the help of a counselor, but my husband doesn't seem to think it will work. I guess he doesn't care if he gets divorced a second time. Does anybody have a similar situation and advice? I can't stay in my marriage if I know that my step children are here indefinitely and the other is graduating in June and I already told him she can't move home. HELP!
You lost me at "I simply
You lost me at "I simply cannot stand that he treats his kids one way and me another". What are you doing tolerating being in a tit for tat with your DH and his spawn. You are his wife. There is no tit for tat. He treats you as an equity life partner and with absolute respect or you own his severed testicles IMHO.
Cut his nuts off and inform him he steps up as your equity life partner or you will take his nuts and everything else and he and his adult spawn can GTFO and he can start writing you the big CS check for your joint minor child. Call the locksmith now to rekey the locks so that when you give him clarity he knows you are serious when his and his spawn's keys do not work in the door.
As for your 23yo college grad mooching deadbeat POS SD-23 ... she lives in your home rent free she ... is your chore bitch. Work her ass off. That is what we did with my SS when he turned 18 after he graduated from HS. He chose not to go to college, did not want to get a job so we shut off the cable and internet each night when we went to bed and each day while his mom and I were at work he scrubbed toilets, sinks, floors, windows, dishes, vacuumed, cut, trimmed, touch up painted, etc.... from the time we left for work until we got home in the evening. He did not have a key. If he failed to complete the voluminous chore list for that day the next AM when we left for work we dumped him on the front step, locked the door, and left him there all day until we got home. He was our beck and call boy/chore bitch for 8mos before he enlisted and reported for USAF Basic training.
If your SD-23 who is a college graduate is not paying rent then she can be the family chore bitch or she can launch and support herself.
My bride of 20+ years and I have not always agreed on how to deal with our son (my SS-22) but we never abandoned our marriage as our joint top priority. Our marriage came first, raising and supporting the skid was our agreed tip responsibility but it was a far distant second as a priority to our marriage.
IMHO of course.
I feel much the same way. I
I feel much the same way. I love my husband but without a doubt see a major double standard and it has caused a strain between us. We argue and fight like all couples and when we do we can get heated and he never hesitates to tell me where to go. However, his children have been abusive to me as well as to him in ways that would blow your mind and yet he continues to treat them like little children. Never raises his voice, never tells them how it is, just allows them to step all over him. They are now 26 and 27 and continue to call him for money and treat him any old way they want. I completely disengaged from them and hope never to see them again but yes, it does bother me that I know he treats them one way but wouldn't hesitate to speak his mind to me.
Very tough spot to be in. You
Very tough spot to be in. You dh will not say anything or do anything. You will have to take care of this yourself. Your sd can afford expensive clothing and make up because she has someone else paying for living expenses. You decide what you want, then write it out, and tell dh you are going to set sd down and lay out that plan. example may be that sd has two months to save up and get her own place. You might tell her that she has to give YOU x amount each pay check to save for her own place and if you see her purchasing more expensive cloths and make up, you raise the amount and tell her that apparently she can afford to save more for her own place than you originally thought.
The only reason I suggested sd giving you the money to save for her is so that you can know for yourself that money is being put aside from each paycheck instead of wondering. It also reinforces the fact that you are serious about her leaving.
Lay down the law with dh that you will not sacrifice your home, your privacy, your income, or your marriage for any adult to live with you.
Good luck sweetie. I send you a big hug.
You wrote that she graduated
You wrote that she graduated from college and has a low paying job. Many of us have been in the same boat as your SD but we have found alternatives to moving back in with our parents. We shared an apartment, cut our spending, put what we could into savings and worked our butts off so we could eventually earn more for clothes, our own apartment, etc.
Ask your DH and SD what the plan is for her journey to self-suffiency, and get a firm 'move-out' date. Then stick by it.
You also wrote that your eldest just got a full time job. Is he is school, and does he live with you and DH?