Had a MAJOR blow-out with DF the other night
As some of you here already know, my fiance has MS. He has been on anti-depressants for a while, but they have been causing some side effects. The doctor told him to go off them, and he has an appointment next week to adjust his meds. So I do attribute some of this to the anti-depressants leaving his system.
The other night when I got home from work, I just walked in the door and DF exploded at me. He started going on and on about how I don't like his kids, how I won't talk to them, etc. And then he said that they are not bad kids, and that they have helped me out already (true they have). Also I am a member of a "Childless by Choice" group on Facebook, and he said that he thinks that is just horrible, and if my friends with kids knew who I *really* was they would not talk to me, etc. etc.
I am not sure where this even came from. Nothing has happened recently. He said that when his kids come around, I go in the bedroom and shut the door (true). I said that they are not there to see me, and that I am just giving him his time with his kids. And his kids say nothing to me either! If I say hi, they usually say hi back but that's it. If I am in a good mood, I might say hello. But most of the time I just ignore them and go about my own business. I tried for *3 YEARS* to get along with his kids. Most of the time when I would try to talk to them, they would just look at me like I had 3 heads. So eventually I just gave up. How much is a person supposed to take?
Then I told him that my friends might stop by the next night, and he had a fit about that. Excuse me, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times people have come to visit me in the past year. My mom thinks I live too far away, my so-called "best friend" no longer speaks to me (for reasons known only to her), and my other best friend is a major homebody. So it is ok for his kids to just burst in with no warning, no phone call, nothing,and I am just supposed to be all smiles about it?
I was sitting there with tears rolling down my face. My sweet dog sat against my leg during his whole rant. I will definitely have to give her extra Christmas presents this year--love her!
The next day he apologized and said he never intended to hurt me, but he had to get his feelings out. Plus he has been having pain lately and has been in a horrible mood. I told him he better call his damn doctor and get back on his meds, STAT!
Not sure how I am feeling right now. I am trying to do things to better myself (going back to school, losing some weight). I am seriously thinking if he does not get back on his meds, it may mean a change of address for me!
Oh and by the way, my friends
Oh and by the way, my friends did stop by last night. DF was very friendly and welcoming to them, so I was glad for that.
This is what I tell my
This is what I tell my husband.
I LOATHE when people say,
I LOATHE when people say, "I'm sorry. But..." NO. No no no no no. If you are sorry then just say that. If you have to add "but" followed by why you still think what you did was right then you are NOT f'ing sorry and you can stuff your fake apology. Grrrrr.....
I read once in a book that
I read once in a book that but means, behold the underlying truth- everything said before this word is an excuse or lie and now I will state what I really mean.
Aww, he totally ambushed you.
Aww, he totally ambushed you. Merry Bleeping Christmas, eh? Whoever called this the most wonderful time of the year definitely didn't have a step family.
I too have a SO with health issues. He has chosen to cut himself off from all friends & family, so I'm his only suport. And I'm also a member of several childfree groups on fb, which provides fodder for my gossipy in-laws.
Please take good care of yourself. Don't let your SO's issues overwhelm you. Keep up with the positive things in your life, especially during the silly season when these men seem to get especially mopey.
Yeah, I think it was the
Yeah, I think it was the meds. These things really can affect your state of mind. Teensy tiny or even imaginary things can irritate you tremendously that otherwise you may not even notice. Your filter is chemically removed and words fly out of your mouth that have never been there before.
Get the meds readjusted.
OP - I know how hurt you are
OP - I know how hurt you are and how he upset you, but as you say he has ms and is in the process of having his meds adjusted. MS is a terrible disease and, not to cut him slack and apologize for him, sometimes people in pain, or just plain scared because of their illness and the uncertainty of what is coming next, lash out at those they love.
You do say that his children have never actually been mean to you. Perhaps it would be a big comfort to your DF if when they visit you just sat out with them for a while....don't have to say anything, but just hold your DF's hand and listen. Join in the conversation if you like. I am certain, from what your DF says, it would give him a lot of peace in what he deals with. Also you have said they have help you out. For that be grateful. Many of us SM's would give a right arm if our steps helped us out in times of illness etc.
Certainly they are not your children and you are childless by choice, so treat them as just acquaintances and friends. You don't have to be BFF, but just polite and sociable with them. If they get mean, nasty, etc. Then you have the right not to bother with them.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you for your input. It
Thank you for your input. It is true, they have never really been "mean" to me. And when their father asks them for a favor for me, they usually do it. (I never ask) I have tried to sit and have conversations with them. Usually when I enter the room, they get up and leave. Either that or they pull the passive aggressive thing where they talk *only* to their dad, ignoring me completely. The older one is the worst one for that, especially when his girlfriend is around.
It could be that they are
It could be that they are just, well they just don't know what to say or how to act around you. NOT that you have done anything. It is just how people are. IMHO, and very humble opinion, the more you are around them, being friendly and showing them how much you care for their father, the more relaxed they are going to get with you.
My tolerance for an ambush is
My tolerance for an ambush is ZERO. You handled this far better than I would have.
Your dog is awesome. Your
Your dog is awesome. Your fiance, not so much.
When someone is in pain they
When someone is in pain they DO lash out but he should be told that from now on it will not be you - or you will be using HIM as a whipping post when things are not going your way.
My DH has a tendency to hold things in until he explodes into a tantrum. For years he used me as an outlet for his rage. Last year he was informed he better find another way to vent. Period.
bm went back to work and put
bm went back to work and put skids in daycare while the skids were still in nappies. any reason why they are not screwed up?
dh wanted bm to stay at home until skids were school age but she refused.
bm went back to work and put
bm went back to work and put skids in daycare while the skids were still in nappies. any reason why they are not screwed up?
dh wanted bm to stay at home until skids were school age but she refused.
Thanks saffron! This totally
Thanks saffron! This totally sounds like my brother and his wife. They both work 10-12 hours a day. The kids are in after-school programs until 5:30 at least, and his poor dogs are in crates.
I don't get it, I really don't.
Yeah and I am getting really tired of how everything is just supposed to
at our house when the snowflakes come around. You better believe that if I go to visit my mom, my stepdad would not stop what he is doing just because I am there. And why should he?
first of all hug your dog.
first of all hug your dog. she is the one who gives you support in times like this.
most husbands are so covered in guilt over the divorce and losing custody that they castrate themselves to that their kids will like them.
i dont know why people have kids when they dont know how to parent or are too into their own agenda to love their children.
being in pain does not give anyone the right to be an a$$ to anyone.