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Between rock and hard place...

Step-Mama-Drama's picture

This is my first blog ever and it is pretty much going to be a book. (Sorry!) I understand if you don't take the time to read it. I am actually giving the cliff notes version believe it or not lol. There is much more to this whole thing than what I am writing. Also, it may seem like I am writing more about my relationship with husband more than step-daughter, but I'm only trying to give some background about how this all came to be...I would like anyone's insight or advice, all will be appreciated!

So, I met this guy in 2000 and we hit it off, absolutely fell in love Smile everything was perfect (it always is in the beginning right?) well 6 months later, after I had moved in with him, he tells me he has a daughter, 8 years old! Holy crap! Hmmm and he didn't think this issue ever needed to come up before I moved in?!? I guess he thought I could read minds lol, part of it was my fault because I didn't ask, but damn you would think he would tell me! I had dated guys for much longer periods of time and still couldn't stand them, something about this guy I really and truly loved so I accepted the daughter and the ex wife and the situation (at this point I had no idea how psycho the birth mother was/is). His daughter was living with birth mother and he was getting her every other weekend, except for the first several months we dated apparently, until he told me about her. Anyways I had to put up with the daughters attitude saying things to me like "you're not my mama, you can't tell me what to do" OMG! All I would be asking is for her to hold my hand crossing the street or something reasonable and responsible, not being mean at all. She would put gum in my hair and just down right piss me off and get on my last nerve. I'm pretty sure her mom told her to do it. Needless to say I dreaded her coming over every single time. I was willing to put my feelings and frustration on the back burner because I loved my boyfriend so much and knew it wouldn't be like this forever, plus she didn't live with us.....2 years went by and we got engaged then another 2 years went by and I broke it off with him, for multiple reasons, not just the daughter, we started having our own issues over time. I left him in early 2004 and we both moved on.

During our separation, he had been in a few different relationships, including two engagements, and I had got married in the fall of 2005 to a great guy who treated me very well, no ex wife, no kids, I loved my in-laws. I did want my own children but he did not so we never had any. During our 8 year marriage, I thought a lot about the guy I was engaged to before (mentioned above) but I never contacted him even though I was completely in love with him still, I just didn't see us working out the way I wished we would have. I loved my husband very much however he ended up passing away in 2012 completely unexpected, heart failure at age 38 (I was 31). I was devastated. There is a whole novel I could write just on that subject as well. I really did love him, but in the back of my head I knew my ex fiancé had my heart.

After some months went by, I emailed my ex fiancé to get some help from him, I had already seen on facebook that he was with someone. I was bummed but wasn't going to interfere with their relationship. I had requested that he respond by email only. My intention was not to come between the two of them but after I emailed him he was adamant that he wanted to see me. I gladly accepted. He had ended their 4+ year relationship about a week before we scheduled to meet. I told him I didn't want to be a home wrecker but he replied that their relationship was headed down hill anyways. We ended up speaking over the phone several times a day until we finally met a couple weeks later. On one of the phone calls he did tell me that his daughter had a falling out with her mom and has been living with him since she was 18 (now 22). I almost decided not to get involved with him again for that reason only, but my feelings for him have always been so strong and have wanted him back for so long. I started thinking well, his daughter is an adult now, and probably acts totally different then when I knew her before. I assumed she would be hanging out with her friends, have a job, going to college, etc., so we would still be able to be alone a lot of the time.

When we got to see each other it was like we just picked up right where we left off and completely fell in love again (well, still). He said he had wanted to be back with me as much as I wanted to be back with him during all our years apart. We both couldn't believe it! We knew right then, it was meant to be no matter what. As I got to know his daughter as an adult, I was informed that she has a learning disability (she can't live on her own, can't drive or cook, and has trouble reading, counting, etc.), she does have a heart of gold and such a sweet demeanor, completely different than before. His daughter and I got along very well this go around, thus far anyway.

We got married 4 months after our meeting and I was so on cloud 9! I finally got the love of my life back! After a few months, we started looking for a house together and we started trying to have children of our own (no luck yet). You know, the usual things most people do when they get married.

Ok, now to get to the real reason I started to post this blog, I do love my step daughter and I know it is harder to handle a child, well actually a young adult, with a disability, but I am frustrated beyond what I ever thought I would be. I actually feel ashamed for feeling the way I do now, but I can't help it. I do not know how to handle her. She knows she has the disability and plays on it especially to her dad, several other people can tell this as well and have even mentioned it to me, drives me nuts. Just to explain a little more about her disability, she functions and seems just like a normal person, it's just that she can't quite grasp learning schoolwork like reading, math skills and grammar she is about on a 7-10 year olds level regarding schoolwork and life skills. She does not have aggression issues like some do.

For quite a while after us getting back together, she was so quiet and to herself, spending most of her time in her room. I felt bad for her so I wanted to help her break out of her shell and become involved in activities with us and with people/children like her who also have a disability. We enrolled her in a program that takes them on field trips, watch movies, play games and teaches them book work. Well she loved it at first but didn't work out after a couple months because she wanted to start boyfriend/girlfriend relationships (she likes both) with a couple of them and the whole relationship thing she had going on caused her to get stressed out making her have pseudo seizures, which means each time she had them she would have to be sent to hospital then her dad and I had to spend hours at hospital waiting for them to release her. Pseudo seizures are basically fake seizures, her body goes thru the actions of a real seizure without harming her or her vitals, it's kind of strange. Even seizure meds won't work on them, they only happen when she gets stressed out or can't get something bad off her mind. We took her out of the program since it was so disruptive to her life and my husbands work. I have tried to get her to have certain freedoms but she keeps abusing situations and I don't know what else to do. I take her to her dr. appointments, work on workbooks with her, try correcting her grammar so she can learn to talk properly instead of sounding like she lives in the ghetto which she does not (again that comes from her mother) and take her shopping, a number of things to try and help her. It just seems like every time I do things for and with her it backfires on me in one way or another. She sometimes portrays that she doesn't know anything you are talking about but when she gets on phone with friends, she can have a pretty good detailed conversation with them and remember every word.

Also, she has gone from one extreme, being quiet, shy and completely to herself to constantly under my feet, she copies everything I do, follows me everywhere I go, asks me tons of questions that don't even make sense or that I answered like 3 mins prior to her asking the same exact question again because she doesn't pay attention to your answer the first time, I am going bonkers! Sometimes I stay hidden in our bedroom to get a break from her. There is no middle ground with her, it's all or nothing.

My husband asked me in early December of 2013 what I wanted him to get me for Christmas and I replied nothing and that all I wanted was a full 7 days (JUST ONE FLIPPING WEEK OUT OF THE YEAR) for he and I to go on vacation for our anniversary in June 2014. We didn't even get but 3 days on our honeymoon. Well guess what, she has managed to mess that up royally. We took her to my families get-together for Easter and she starts talking to my 5 year old family member about very inappropriate subjects. She was supposed to stay the week of our anniversary with my family and now since she said such things to the 5 year old, it made her parents skeptical and uncomfortable for her to stay with them, which I would be too if I were them. She can't stay with her birth mother because the birth mother had to be an idiot and let something very bad happen to daughter, hence the falling out when she was 18. Her mom might pick her up 4 days out of the year and have her for 4 or 5 hours, no overnight stays allowed. My husbands brother works multiple jobs so probably can't stay with him either because he won't be home very much. Now as far as I can see we are out of options, she certainly can't stay home by herself that long. Only have 5 weeks to figure it out or guess we will cancel whole trip.

I just want to throw a two year old tantrum, lay on the floor, cry, scream and kick my feet LOL, I am that frustrated! It shouldn't be this difficult to tolerate a young adult and to be alone with my husband, I'm not asking for alone time constantly, just once a effing year! I don't mean to sound so petty but it's not fair for her to keep ruining our alone time together, well, lack there of. The thing that frustrates me the most is that she knows better than to make the bad decisions that she does. When we talk to / lecture to her after she makes bad decisions or mistakes and she admits that she knew it was wrong, arrrrrrgh! I really feel like she will start to form a huge problem between my husband and I and that is the last thing I want to happen Sad

My dream life would to have things exactly the way they are now but his ex wife and daughter to move somewhere far far far away, like another continent or better yet a different planet! Not really, I do love her, I just need a lot less of her, that's all. Just on a simple normal day she could drive me to drink, if I was a drinker, which I am not. This is not how I want to spend many years to come, I just love husband SO much. I feel like I have been trying so hard to deal with it but hasn't done any good and if anything it is definately worse. Even people who know her well, will come up to me and ask how I handle her all the time, I want to reply "I can't", but I usually say everything is fine. Does anyone have any advice?? Should I just pull up my big girl panties and act like nothing is wrong, hold it all in? Start going to a shrink? Check myself into a white padded cell? Electrotherapy maybe lol?

I did take it upon myself to email a place for disabled assisted living, simply to get info. It's in the same city as us, just 12 minutes commute to facility from our house. I'm thinking that it would work out well if she can live part time there and part time with us, that would be perfect! They also help transition the disabled to learn to live on their own, let's face it, my husband and I aren't going to be here forever to take care of her and there isn't anywhere for her to go if something were to happen to us. I have no idea if or when I should even bring this up to hubby, not sure what his reaction will be, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I know I have been complaining a lot about her, but he even has hard time knowing how to handle issues with her too. I have to be cautious on how I talk to him and handle things regarding her since she is his blood, I don't want to offend him or cause arguments or friction between us. I feel so defeated already. **(BIG SIGH)**

Comments

DaizyDuke's picture

I don't understand how BM "can't" see her adult child? " no overnights allowed" who says? She's 22!

This woman has been not just enabled, but crippled by her parents. I agree with Justforthis... your DH needs to look into getting her help/services STAT! I mean your DH needs to look at it like this... what if you two are killed in a car accident next week? What would happen to this woman then? Instead of sticking his head in the sand and watching the world rotate around, he needs to be a parent and HELP her, so that she can become independent of him.

Step-Mama-Drama's picture

Well, I know my husband would not appreciate me giving details, but basically her birth mother got remarried and something very bad happened between daughter and her new husband. Trust me it was BAD! They couldn't make arrest as she was 18 and with daughters disability mixed with her personality, she is very submissive, I am assuming you have now figured out what happened. Personally I would have castrated that man!
Birth mother is still married to him so we can't allow daughter around this man at all in fear of her getting "hurt" again. Ex wife sided with new husband and went against her own daughter which led to birth mother kicking daughter out of the house. She is a winner, let me tell you! BM is POS! My husband took daughter and has had her ever since, he is a stand up dad and takes care of her and makes sure she has what she needs to be happy and healthy. It still is hard because of disibility but he does what he needs to do. He loves her so much!

Step-Mama-Drama's picture

Thank you so much! This is all new to me and I appreciate all info! You are very helpful!