My best attempt at objectivity

My wife hates my 17 yr. old son, and she often says she hates me. She calls me and my son worthless, calls us both horrible names, is extremely violent towards me, and I am required to treat her 23 year old son with "respect", and be careful not to "disrespect" him. The only reason she does not hit my son like she hits me and throws things at me, is because she suspects he would hit her back; she knows I would never hit her no matter what she does. I am not allowed to spend any time, money or effort on my relatives or my son, but my wife and stepson expect me to take care of their every need and wish. Constant drama goes on about my wife's several brothers and sisters and her other relatives, and I am supposed to love handling all that and hearing about it all day, but if I were to try to take my son for a drive or go to a ball game or a movie my wife would go into a wild rage. Every day for the past few years has started the same way. My wife is either immediately yelling at me, calling me names, and complaining about something, or she cannot make it till noon without going into a wild rage on me. I constantly, every day in fact, forgive my wife for her wild behavior, jealousy and hatred, but she never forgives me for anything. Everything that goes wrong in life is my fault according to her. My son no longer wants to come to our home, which is exactly how my wife wants things. As long as my wife is clothes shopping for herself or her relatives, or we are planning another trip to her home country of Brazil where we go two or three times a year, with huge suitcases full of new clothes and gifts for her son and friends and relatives, or working on the constant drama of everyone associated with her in Brazil, things are okay. But, as soon as the topic gets off of her family and friends that is when she calls me a "fool, imbecile, moron, evil, etc." A while back she agreed to take medication for her rage problems and it helped a little bit. She quickly stopped taking it and now she is worse than ever. Maybe someone on this forum or blog will have some ideas as to what I should do to try to re-establish a normal balance in this marriage and blended family. My wife and stepson claim to be and may actually see themselves as victims, but of what I am not sure. My wife every day talks about how she gave up her whole life and great career to move to the USA to live with me, and no matter what I do for her, physically or emotionally, it is never enough.

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Thank you for your detailed

Thank you for your detailed analysis and comments and ideas. I am very surprise someone wrote back with such a thoughtful response. I am thinking about asking my wife to read your comment, but I know from experience it will not do any good. She will only retaliate further. I try to be objective and see her side, but it is obviously all based on what she wants and thinks is important. Her son is important, her dog is important, her relatives are important; my dog is not important and he is less important than my son, and my relatives don't matter to her at all. my relatives can be difficult, but so can hers. one of her brothers and sisters in law, especially her sister in law, has for the past year or so been trying to come up with some way to blackmail me or accuse me of some kind of social misconduct. everyone knows she is very neurotic, then last week she did something really weird at church, that embarrassed one of my wife's sister. everyone suspected this sister in law was trying to sabotage me, and now that she did something similar to my wife's sister the game should be over, but it isn't. i realize from looking at that situation that the reason that sister in law was treating me the way she was treating me is because we did not give her as many presents as she expected. now I realize that my wife is actually doing the exact thing to me. as long as I am giving her things and let her do whatever she wants, and only putting effort into her family's problems and drama, I am okay. but, as soon as I let up on the gift giving and solving of her family's problems, that is when my wife calls me an idiot and starts literally beating on me.

Why are you staying with a

Why are you staying with a woman who abuses you and your child??? The woman is clearly using you and you are allowing her to do so.

Walk away from the crazy lady and her greedy family. Once you cut the crazy out of your life, you'll be able to find a woman who loves, respects and appreciates you.

Whatever you do, don't get the crazy pregnant. If do, she will make your life (and your future wife's) life pure hell.

Read shrink4men.com - it will

Read shrink4men.com - it will give you a very good idea of all the whys and hows and whats.

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/06/18/another-5-coping-strategies-f...

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/27/is-your-girlfriend-or-wife-a-...

These articles will throw light on what is going on in your marriage. Only you can decide what to do about it, although the only permanent solution is to get the hell out.

Good luck! I hope you find a woman who will appreciate you. These abusive, personality-disordered chicks are a dime a dozen. You should try to figure out what attracted yoou to her, so that you do not repeat the same mistake in the future.

Has she always been like

Has she always been like this? You married the woman so I'm guessing that things were good at one time? What changed? I'm not trying to be a jersey but I find it hard to believe that you and your son sit around being perfect and wonderful and your wife just flies off in a rage? I feel like we're not getting the full picture

No matter what he and his son

No matter what he and his son may be doing, hitting him isn't OK. Neither is expecting/demanding he shower her family with gifts.

Thanks everyone for so many

Thanks everyone for so many helpful comments. Daisy, I have tried to see this from my wife's perspective, and from my stepson's. On our last trip to Brazil I asked one of her brothers about my stepson, wondering if I am the only that find it impossible to talk with him or get along with him. Her brother said that there is something wrong with him. No matter what I do for him he acts like he hates me. When I point this out to my wife/his mom, she gets defensive and won't comment on what her brother says. Neither my son or I smoke, drink or take drugs. I forgive my wife every day for her wild rages. I do get angry at her and finally do yell at her, but only after she taunts me for hours. She cannot go an hour without complaining about something. I drive her to college several times a week, help her do her homework every day, and when we are driving down the road she starts screaming at me, and I often have to pull the car over till she calms down. A few months ago she finally agreed to take thyroid medication and that calmed her down. We were on our way to Brazil and I had to call her friend, a woman who is from Central America but is our neighbor, who I put on the phone with her. She promised her friend that she would go to the doctor and be evaluated. She also promised she would take something to specifically calm her down, but never did. She took the thyroid meds for only a week or two at the most. It seemed to help a little bit, then she had more lab work done and claimed all the tests were normal then refused to take even the thyroid medication. A while back she went into one of her rages over the fact that my son was sitting in the living room instead of his bedroom. She starts arguments with him and so I have told him not to speak with her unless I am in the room. I tell him he has to respect her and I don't care what she says or does, he still has to respect her. He does a pretty good job of that. When she did not get her way immediately about him going to his room, and calling his mom to come pick him up because she hates him being here, she took a belt of mine, slung it at my face, and split a large cut in the top of my head that took weeks to heal. Blood was everywhere. I called the police and made an anonymous complaint and said I had been attacked by a woman for no good reason, in order to document it. I did so in case she cut me again, and the only reason she hasn't cut me again or badly injured me is because I have learned to dodge the things she throws at me. I try to reason with her after she finally calms down. I tell her that she needs to apologize, she refuses, but sometimes she finally will repeat the words, "I apologize". All of my relatives, including four sisters, have told her to go back to Brazil at one time or another, though they tolerate her like I do and they have tried to be nice to her. Neighbors are tired of her screaming and drama, and she hates them because they are on to her. I think she has some kind of hormonal rage disorder and probably needs thyroid medication and some other tranquilizer when she is going wild. A doctor once tried to get her to take Xanax but she refused.

Well then, it sounds like

Well then, it sounds like your wife is cookoo for cocoa puffs.

I forgive my wife every day for her wild rages why?? She needs to be held accountable for her crappy, abusive behavior... she acts just like a pestilent child! Until SOMEONE starts calling her out on this, she is going to keep on keeping on, why wouldn't she?

It was not the belt itself

It was not the belt itself that cut my head, it was the metal belt buckle. Several people here say I should divorce this woman. I do not believe in divorce and know besides that she will give me hell in any divorce process. All I want her to do is calm down but she does not want to do that.

You don't believe in divorce?

You don't believe in divorce? Good grief, if she stabbed with a knife, would you believe in divorce then?

No, divorce should not be taken lightly, but if there either was a situation that called for it, it's yours.

She won't get help, she doesn't take her meds, and I doubt that's even the answer to the problem. You have become her personal punching bag and you have allowed it. What does it have to come to for you to realize this is not a healthy relationship that can not be saved? What if she starts hitting your son, would you believe in divorce then?

How much worse does it need to get for you to realize you and your son do not deserve this?

To luckymomme: reading your

To luckymomme: reading your response again, no, she refuses to go to therapy or counseling. a doctor who has known me since I was born met with us a few times. he initially prescribed xanax for her, she refused to take it. she is very intelligent and gradually got him over to her side. i have asked that doctor what I have ever done to do this. he could not answer that question. that doctor has given free medical services to female patients in exchange for sex so I do not trust his judgment on anything. i found that out upon a visit to his office when my wife and I briefly got counseling from him. he told a female patient to do a sexual thing for him, using the exact term but pretending like he was talking about something else. she would never go to a competent, unbiased therapist. also, that doctor has a serious drug problem, has totaled his motorcyle and was stopped by the police going over 100 mph in his car on the freeway for no reason except he was high on something. my point is, the only doctor I ever got her to talk to is unreliable when it comes to counseling. the one who prescribed thyroid meds is in brazil. i do not believe that the lab she went to in brazil did real blood work or knew how to say whether she needed thyroid medication or not.

And let us not underestimate

And let us not underestimate crazy + sex = wild times in the sack (or so I hear).

Priorities? Raising a child in a abuse-free environment while modeling healthy self-esteem or stay with crazy for the occasional freak-flag-flying night-time ride?

This is a very sad situation. For the OPs son.

You may not believe in

You may not believe in divorce but consider this..... you are showing your son everything he would have to accept from a woman he chooses to marry. No self respect. No dignity, no love. And this is perfectly fine because this is what he saw his father put up with. Or... he will view you as a failure and a pussy whipped man who did not defend his son form the abuse of a woman.

You need to start with counselling for you. Can you install cameras throughout her 'war zones' and tape her outbursts and behaviour? Then tell her either she backs off or you will have her deported for domestic violence. This is unacceptable. And this is why ....

My son live in another country. He married a woman from Japan. She had previously lived in the country he is living in and wanted to relocate on the other side of that country away form all his family (like his father and sister live in NYC and she wants to relocate to Seattle). No family there. No friends there. She gets pregnant and wants to be a stay at home mother. He works hard to allow her to do that. It is the dream after all. But this meant he had to work 12 -15 hrs a day. She complained he was never home. She told all my family on Facebook that he was drinking and doing drugs. She got pregnant again. She stayed home. She wanted a new house. HE bought her a 4 bedroom home. It had to have air conditioning 9not standard in that country) So he paid the extra for that. She was home all day with the kids, right? She got the better car. She wanted a Dyson vacuum cleaner. The first one was the wrong one. So he bought her another. He worked too much, he should take over taking care of the kids when he got home. Did I mention he worked as a prison officer? When he got home he had to change his shoes in the car, wear that pair of shoes to the front door, change his shoes again and then come inside and change his clothes and shoes... again.

In February she posted he was the best of husbands. 1 week later she was calling the cops saying he was abusing her. Because he told her 'No' to something she wanted. He was living out of his car for a week. She wouldn't let him in the house. She said he was a bad father because his parents are divorced and he has no idea how to be a good father. He ended up talking to the police who told him "The only way we can take care of you is if you threatened to harm yourself nudge nudge wink wink". So he had 1 week in a psychiatric hospital to clear his mind and get a freaking break.

Upon his release he made plans to visit his father who had had 2 minor heart attacks. He and his wife agreed to spend time apart and see what they really wanted. He was into day 2 of his visit to his father when his wife told him she was returning indefinitely to Japan with the 2 little kids the next day. Hmm, nothing like losing your kids to set him back emotionally and he was frozen.

She then told him he needed to arrange for their little dog to be brought to Japan for the kids. HE was to pay for the dog to clear customs and fly with him to Japan and hand him over at the airport and fly right back and not even see his children. And while he was at it she needed more money to take care of the kids. Apparently he was sending most of his paycheck apart from utilities and mortgage to her. She needed more.

Last week he told her he would not be sending another cent if she did not allow him to talk to his children on Skype. She refused and didn't get any money. Eventually she set it up and he sent her $100. He is hanging onto his money now. She wants to live in Japan with her parents. Who, by the way, are on a fixed income as they are retired. And her father has told her she will have to work because he cannot support her and the ids. So things aren't all that great there.

I may never get to see my grandchildren and my heart bleeds for that. But he is free of that controlling abusive woman. And yes, she threw things at him and nagged him and called him names. She poisoned his mind to me and he has only JUST started exchanging comments with me on FB.

Get her out of your life. Do not allow your son to see this as acceptable behaviour and the way you should be allowed to be treated. Divorce is the ultimate last resort in my world. But sometimes you have to get rid of the toxicity in your life. She is toxic and will not change because she gets what she wants every time. Threaten to have her deported with documented evidence of her abuse. If oyu are an American citizen you hold all the cards. Good luck.

thanks for your input and I

thanks for your input and I feel sorry for what you and your son has been through too. I know you are right. I keep hoping she will change but that is not going to happen.

THIS Parents who make the

THIS

Parents who make the choice to stay in abusive (physical, emotional or mental) step relationships, should not be able to have custody(or visitation in their home) of their children. The other parent should be granted full custody until the abusive step parent is out of the picture.

OP, you should check out this

OP, you should check out this blog.

http://marriedmansexlife.com/blog/

Your wife abuses you because she has no respect for you. She has no respect for you because you allow her to hit and verbally abuse you.

If you're not going to leave the relationship, at least step up and take control of the situation. And there are ways detailed in that blog I linked to that do not involve responding with violence.

"Jennifer slaps me on the face, saying “Go get the #$%^ing groceries from the car!”… well that’s crossing the line. That I’d very firmly verbally bump back on, and the groceries would rot inside her car before I’d do anything about them. The message being a very clear “The Violence Strategy will not get you what you want” statement."

I have a feeling if she was married to a man from her own country that man would not tolerate her behavior.

My 17 year old son told me

My 17 year old son told me last week that his school had an Easter egg hunt for all the students. He described it in a way that showed he enjoyed it and it was not beneath him as far as maturity goes. I was trying to think of something I could do for my son for Easter after doing nothing at all for him. I took my wife to her choice of churches, three times in the past week, shopping several times, etc. When I told my wife I wanted to have an Easter egg hunt for my son she immediately launched into one of her famous rages. Of course an Easter egg hunt, or anything at all for my son is totally out of the question. She just calmed down, but only because I submitted to her as usual. Two times in the past 6 months I have gone to a hotel, and one time to a VA hospital, to get away from her due to her increasingly worse violent rages on me and my son. One time my son was with us for the weekend so I took him to a hotel with me. That was the first time, only time in years that my son has spent any time with me that my wife was not screaming at us all of the time as usual, only because she was not there. The only time I can recall that my wife has even briefly acted like a normal person who shows signs of admitting they were very wrong in their conduct was these three times I have left for a day or two. I have told her before that I may leave one day and never come back. The problem is, I wonder where I would go, and she of course knows that I have no good options on that.

I meant for the neighbor kids

I meant for the neighbor kids too.

My 17 year old son told me

You are the one earning the

You are the one earning the income in your home. Finding a new home should be pretty easy. Stop spending extra on your wife and her family. Cut out all of the extras I your home (cable, cell phones, your wife's car, if her son is on your health insurance, drop him, cancel her credit cards......) Just pay for the bacis mortgage, utilities, food and insurance.

The extra money can then be used to get an apartment and hire a lawyer.

double post

Hm I have worries about this

Hm I have worries about this poster. I will set out 3 of his assertions in a row. I think they read odd. See below.

(1) I called the police and made an anonymous complaint and said I had been attacked by a woman for no good reason, in order to document it [rational?]
(2) a doctor who has known me since I was born met with us a few times.... that doctor has given free medical services to female patients in exchange for sex so I do not trust his judgment on anything... he told a female patient to do a sexual thing for him, using the exact term but pretending like he was talking about something else. she would never go to a competent, unbiased therapist. also, that doctor has a serious drug problem, has totaled his motorcyle and was stopped by the police going over 100 mph in his car on the freeway for no reason except he was high on something. [Note, this is his referral not hers]
(3) My 17 year old son told me last week that his school had an Easter egg hunt [really?]

Wow good catch. I wonder if

Wow good catch.

I wonder if this is a female member posting as a male to see if the responses giving will be different.

I remember another poster doing that because she said everyone attacked her for not doing anything to change the situation she was in. She claimed she received different advice when she posted under the fake username. :?

I do think the responses have

I do think the responses have been tougher in terms of requesting he man up, but on the other hand the passivity was particularly extreme and determined and would have been striking in a woman too.

Yup, just read the personal

Yup, just read the personal info. Discrepancies there too. (yawn)

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My best attempt at objectivity

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