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expecting too much??

MdMom's picture

I don't know if it's because of my lack of sleep since our DS has been born or what but I feel more on edge, and less patient... Especially when SD3 1/2 is home. I can't deal with the fits/tantrums, the constant crying when she can't do something, ei this morning I told her to get dressed, rather than getting dressed she sat in her room and cried about getting her clothes on rather than just putting them on... I'm not a coddler, I can't stand it when she (or my DDs cry for no reason) when I asked her why she was crying she said it was because she didn't like the clothes I set out for her... So I told her to choose her own clothes. Then she started crying cause I wouldn't wipe her after the bathroom, she knows how to wipe properly, but does get lazy, so I stand in the bathroom to make sure she wipes well. She told me to wipe her, I said 'no, you know how to wipe yourself.' SD's response ' BM wipes me when I'm at her house.'... 'Well, I'm not BM, and you need to wipe yourself.' That's when the tiers started. When I asked why she was crying she said 'BM wipes me so I don't have to... You need to wipe me too.' I said 'No, you need to wipe yourself, don't be lazy, I know you can wipe yourself, just like you can dress yourself. I'm not gonna wipe you.' She did wipe herself and the tiers stopped.

DH says I'm too hard on all the girls, but I'm trying to raise upstanding citizens, NOT adults who expect you to wipe their asses every time they don't feel like it. SD is nearly 4, am I expecting too much of a nearly 4year old? I mean when she starts preschool no one is gonna be there to wipe her, or tell her everything will be okay when she gets her feelings hurt... I like to believe that I'm prepping our children for the next stage of their lives, school.

Am I going about it the right way? And if not could y'all give me some insite on how I can do better at prepareing them? The LAST thing I want is to get a call or note sent home because SD doesn't want to do something and throws a tantrum rather than just sucking it up and doing what the teacher asks.

I know SD is coddled at BM's, I mean SD doesn't have to do anything while she's there. She is the oldest in both homes, butonly has a younger ssibling with BM, here she has three. And I have started Chores for her and DD2... Granted there not difficult chores, pick up toys in the living room, put dirty clothesin their hhamper, simple things. But it seems like a battle, when SD comes home, to just do the minimum... I suppose I'm just frustrated... Thanks for letting me vent a little bit.

MdMom's picture

Added to the DH thinking I'm too hard on the girls, he had the NERVE to say that I am like the Grandpa off Hidi... You know the sherly temple movie, granted he warmed up towards the end... But still, REALLY?! That's who you would compare me to?? Outrageous!

libra2libra83's picture

Even mothers can be shitty about teaching their child how to wipe properly. SD is 5. She constantly gets UTI's and has poop in her drawers...almost constantly. SO has tried to help, but doesn't know how else to explain wiping since he is not a girl. Plus BM prefers to be the one who teaches SD about "girl" stuff. We have asked BM to explain to SD again (after the 8th time asking her), and she still won't do it.

Sparklelady's picture

I know you don't want to coddle her - but you may be surprised to find that she's feeling insecure in your love for her and is trying to get your reassurance. You could give this a try (just for a few days, and see if it changes things) and no, I'm not crazy - it worked for me. Take 60 seconds, a few times a day, and focus completely on her for just those 60 seconds. At most, it's five minutes a day - you can do it Smile

So if you're laying out clothes, call her in to join you, kneel down to her height, and ask her if she'd like to wear top a or b? Look her in he eyes when you ask. Compliment her on something. Finish with a smile on your face. Or when she needs to use the bathroom (I assume you're there, since you're near enough for her to ask you to wipe her) kneel down again and give her your attention for just those 60 seconds. Tear off toilet paper and hand it to her, praise her for being a big girl. Don't wipe her, of course. She's the big girl and can do it herself. Again, finish with a smile on your face.

I was absolutely astounded by the difference it made, when I took a deep breath and paused just for 60 seconds to offer my undivided attention. I now use the same technique for my four-year-old niece, who spends quite a bit of time with me. I quickly learned that behavior which I would have otherwise thought was annoying and to get attention, was actually stemming from insecurity. By offering my undivided attention for such a short amount of time, and finishing with a laugh or smile, made all the difference - not just for my kids and my niece, but also for my mood. I AM happier dealing with these moments, because I pause and always with a smile. And I am no saint! There are lots of things that drive me nuts, but I did figure out that this particular tool makes everybody happier. It's win win Smile

MdMom's picture

Thank you Spaklelady,

I will try this, it never would have occurred to me that it could be an insecurity... I will be trying this, and if it works, I'll continue with it. I just don't want to feel like SD is battling with me about everything. i really hope its an attention thing, andthis does the trick. Rather than it just being a personality thing.

Sparklelady's picture

I think sometimes we underestimate how much these little children value us - I can't promise it'll still work when she's a teenager LOL, but when they're little, they sure crave our love! Best of luck!

AllySkoo's picture

THIS THIS THIS

My DH also gets frustrated with our 4 year old over the same types of issues (getting dressed, picking up toys, etc). DH yells, and it all just escalates into a mess. (It's also affecting their relationship.)

I do what the above poster said. I don't do stuff for him, but I give him my undivided attention for a minute when talking to him about whatever it is he's supposed to do, I always say "please" and "thank you" (because manners are for everyone, not just adults), and I give him choices where possible (like the shirts). It makes a WORLD of difference in how cooperative he is, and he has way less tantrums with me than DH. (My blood pressure is correspondingly lower. *lol*)

derb84123's picture

This is fabulous advice. I came in the picture at 3 and 4- and DH had custody, kids saw BM EOWE. I tried so hard to NOT step on toes and NOT be mom that I think the kids really missed out on some quality affection. Now they are much older and all is good, they get lots of i love you's and hugs, but I do think that they are not as affectionate as most kids their age, and I really think this is why.

You aren't doing anything wrong. You aren't her mother, you don't have to wipe her ass, but I think guarding yourself less is a good move. it is ok for you to cuddle her or play with her like a mom does sometimes. Society needs to stop focusing so much on what steps should or shouldnt do... sorry tangent

QueenBeau's picture

"Society needs to stop focusing so much on what steps should or shouldnt do"

I agree. I hear so many time son her "I dont' want to offend BM" Or "I don't want to step on BM's toes" but how about we stop focusing on BM & her feelings & start focusing on the CHILD & their feelings?

MdMom's picture

Thank you all for your input... Allyskoo, I try not to raise my voice, because I know it feeds the Chaos. But I also know what I'm currently doing isn't working. I don't want to just be her Stepmom, but I want to be someone she can look up to.

QueenBue, I do agree that we had a lot babies in a very short time, and negative attention is attention, but I'd rather she want the possitive attention... Which i know now i should begiving more of, so that she doesn't feel as though she needs to get the negative attention.

Again thank you everyone, i will take your advice to heart, and do work on me, rather than thinking SD is the one that needs tochange.

tabby yabba do's picture

I agree with sparklelady's advice. But wanted to add: don't beat yourself up if it doesn't go as well as you'd hoped. I tried a similar technique with my SDs and ended up with two skids who began to bully my DD into tears in their attempts to take that "60 seconds a few times a day" into all day-long-every-day attention-from-SM.

What works for me is give choices whenever I can (two specific choices, not a "what do you want to do?" kind of choice), let them pick, not cringe when it's the choice I didn't want picked, try to be patient with them to follow-through with their choice and disengage if it falls apart after that (let DH deal with them if they cop an attitude or fail to follow through).

I find if I am more deliberate in the amount of one-one-one time I devote to the skids, the happier I am and the less they torture my DD.

Amber Miller's picture

I was 5 1/2 when my beautiful little sister was born. We have a good relationship however, I was distraught when she came home from the hospital. I told my parents to take her back from wherever they got her. I was jealous. I was used to being the center of attention. I am the eldest child on both sides of the family so I got ALL THE ATTENTION ALL THE TIME! I remember this. Well, I eventually became my mommy's little helper. Little things like getting my mom a diaper, grabbing baby wipes, putting the used bottle in the sink, etc. eventually my mom would allow me to feed my sister her bottle. My mom made me feel important and helpful. Once I adjusted I loved helping my mom and taking care of the baby. She gave me responsibilities and I felt so grown up! I don't know if this would work in other situations but I just felt like sharing my story Smile