Please help!
I am at the end of my rope! My husband and I have been married just under one year, I have two sons, ages 10 and 12 and two step-daughters, ages 11 and 13. We both have 50/50 custody so all the kids are home together every other week. The 13 year-old has become VERY disrespectful to me, my husband and to my sons as well.
Part of the problem I believe is that their mother calls me names to my face at pick-up times, school functions, basically whenever she gets a chance. The 13 year old SD recently worked a scheme with her mom to see how much money they could get out of my husband for a school function and then this week she went on a school trip and was expressly told NOT to take her sisters cell phone (hers was taken away due to losing it) and her response was "I'm sorry if I'm disrespecting you but you are making me mad. I love you and I'm sorry but I am going to take the phone. I just don't want you to mess up my trip." Needless to say, she took the phone.
I try and keep my distance...I ask about her day, about school and her friends. I try and not get too personal. I have told her I don't want to be your mom but I do care about you. Recently, she will not say hello to me upon walking in the door, when I am standing right there and she will turn her back to me when I am trying to talk to her. She doesn't care what I have to say and actually usually does the opposite. If I ask a question, I get a snarky answer in return. My husband had a talk with her about "respect" and then two days later, it went back to the same old stuff. She bullies her sister and my two sons.
She is starting to drive a wedge between my husband and I. Two days ago, she pulled the whole..."I don't want to come home" thing citing an outburst between her mother and I where her mother proceeded to run up on my front lawn and call me "piglet" and I defended myself and told their mother to get off my property.
My kids are starting to notice stuff about the SD and are talking to my parents about it. She is disrespectful to my parents as well, never saying hello or goodbye. It is soooo frustrating and I don't know how to handle this situation anymore. Do I kill her kindness or ignore her? Do I try and have a relationship or just give up right now? I am new to this whole step-parent thing while my husband has such an easy time with my boys!!!
Please help me!!!
What has your DH said about
What has your DH said about her behaviour?
^^definitely this^^
^^definitely this^^
In my house, I ignore it.
In my house, I ignore it. She's never going to listen to me anyway, and will pay victim if I say anything. Only thing I don't ignore is her leaving her crap around my house (thanks to another poster for liberating me there). I basically treat her as if she is a tenant, if that makes sense. Don't ask me to do anything for you, but you WILL respect my space and keep your crap out of it!! You use MY dishes, you clean them. You use MY kitchen, you clean up after yourself. You can't fit your trash in the trash can, you take it out. You do your part to keep MY space clean (which is all but her room), and we are good...that is...unless smells or critters enter the house because of the state of your room, then as landlord, I do have the right to tell you to remedy the situation!
I kinda like having this stance. And I've decided, summer break gets here, you will not have liberty with MY things (i.e., TV, exercise equipment, etc.). Maybe if she gets bored enough, she will go to a friend's house, or beg her grandmother to come get her and take her to her cousin's! If she wants to be a lazy bum, she can do so in her "rented" space.
Daddy needs to blister some
Daddy needs to blister some 13yo ass with a belt. You need to bring the consequence escalation and give this PITA kid no quarter. As for BM, just shoot her the next time she enters your property unbidden.
For sure you should file an RO against her for the profane confrontational crap. Put her ass in jail each and every time she behaves in an aggressive and confrontational manner. Maybe SD-13 will gain clarity when her BM is behind bars that her BM is a POS that needs to be relegated to SD's rear view mirror.
The only way to deal with a toxic blended family opposition is to bare their asses and inflict the most painful consequences possible.
IMHO of course.
Hell no, you don't ignore
Hell no, you don't ignore disrespect in your own home. Disrespectful people in my home don't get nice things done for them. They don't get stuff bought for them. They don't get cell phones and they aren't allowed to watch tv or use a computer. Disrespectful people learn very quickly here that disrespect brings out the WICKED in stepmother. Their new name is Cinderella (at least in Wicked Stepmother's evil mind) and they get to do extra chores and wear rags. Disrespect in our household is not fun for SD12. She rarely chances it anymore.
I wish...but DH doesn't do
I wish...but DH doesn't do anything about the disrespect. So like I said...I basically treat her like a tenant. As long as she is not confontational, but even a confrontational tenant gets the cops called on them.
YEP. Sometimes you gotta get
YEP. Sometimes you gotta get wicked.
OP, why are you waiting for your man to say something about some little brat being disrespectful to you in your own home? I say, call her out on it...every single time. Whenever she does something crappy to you, confront her, loud enough so that your husband hears, but for YOUR own benefit. Don't be whiny about it...be firm. Like, "Umm, HELLO, I just asked you a question. Are you pretending you couldn't hear me or what?!" If she doesn't like the confrontation, maybe she'll stay in her room or at BM's...and you win.
And why are you asking her about her day or being nice to her at all?! Don't. Screw her. What katielee said is right on. Make the little snot uncomfortable. I wouldn't talk to her...I wouldn't let her use my things...I wouldn't be nice. At all. And if she's bullying the other kids, teach them how to stand up for themselves. Who cares if she doesn't want to come over anymore? Bye BM-lover. Stay your crabby ass at home.