Unsure
Hi... call me raven, i am having issues dealing with my bf's 2 young girls. 7 and 8 yrs old. I have 2 children myself 7 and 10. We both have split custody with our ex's. His youngest girl is displaying jealousy and self harm (biting her fingers, falling intentionally etc.) For extra attention from her dad. She has stomped on my foot when i hugged her dad and ran over my feet with her roller skates. I understand that the new relationship is a huge adjustment for all 4 kids and that of course the kids come first. I understand that she may never warm up to me 100 percent... im not her mom. I get that. I have raised my two to do as i say when i say it and explaining why things are done certain ways. His two were not raised this way and i have had to deal with her screaming for her dad when i ask her to do something. She ignores me , lies about me and my kids to her dad and will do things in front of my kids saying im allowed to do this bc i live here and you aren't allowed to do it.
Im frustrated and trying to find a way to deal peacefully with these situations without looking like the mean evil step mom and keeping things fair for all 4 children. Any positive suggestions are welcome.
There really is no nice easy way to deal with it
unnacceptable behaviour like stomping on your foot and constantly going over them with her skates and chucking hissy fits you need to tell your partner is unacceptable that she takes pleasure causing physical pain to you if you want your marriage to survive.
i do not accept crap or tolerate unacceptable behaviour from arseholes no matter what age but it’s definitely addressing it when you have a parent being all chill and mellow not wanting to put their foot down firmly and say no this won’t happen again
Answers
Not married and probably will never be again. He has spoken to her and things were different today! She was polite and kind to the other children and myself. I was really proud of her (i told her so, thanked her for the good behavior and hugged her.) I hope this change continues.
I too dont tolerate bad behavior or rudeness. Thank you for the reply.
First
how long have you two been together? Do you live together or still live separately? What does your boyfriend say when his daughter injures an adult or herself? Bites her own fingers? Like, til they bleed? The rest could be chalked up to clumsiness, maybe?
Answers
We've been together only 3 months, known each other for 8 months. We live together. Bf does talk to her that she needs to apologize for the foot stomping, tells her not to hurt herself and that it isnt ok to hurt others or herself. She hasnt made herself bleed thankfully.
Her statement that she is
Her statement that she is ALLOWED to do it is all you need to hear.
You know perfectly well that kids will do anything their immature minds tell them to do unless there is a consequence to the behavior. Your BF isn't setting any consequences, or at least any consequences that she cares about. This little girl is going to keep acting like this because HER FATHER allows her to.
Who you need to be "training" in this mess is HIM. HE needs to tell her that SHE IS NOT ALLOWED to behave like a brat. He needs to tell her to quit acting out for attention, to quit hurting you, and to quit trying to domineer HIS home. She is a child who lives under his roof; it is NOT her house to make rules in.
If he can't muster to do that, you need to really reconsider this relationship. This won't get better without him stepping up and telling her to knock it off. His kids may be his #1 responsibility, but you are his #1 priority. Your comfort, as an adult, trumps the immature whimsy of a child. Kids needs always need to come first, but since they have little context around their wants, those need to be put behind of the adults, particularly of the adults who parents bring into their lives as partners.
In short, you can't fix this, only Dad can. If he won't, find a man who will.
Sounds to me that they are jealous
Are you all living together? Iwould suggest family counseling, to help the girls first find their voice, then try to move forward. If that does not work, I agree with Lt. Dad.
Put her over your knee and
Put her over your knee and swat her butt. Stinging butt cheeks tend to reconnect the brain with acceptable behavior in kids that lose that connection.