Stepkids hate stepmom, because BM is mentally ill.
i have been with my husband for 8 years. He has two children boy-15, girl-12. I have two children girl-13, boy-9. My ex and I get song fabulously and we work really hard to make sure that the kids are out first. My husband and his ex are the opposite. He has a restraining order against her for the multiple times she has come to our house to hurt us or my children, and a lot of other things. She does however get to see her kids every other weekend (when she decides to show up). This causes so many problems for us, because she despises me. She has taught the kids at a very young age to refer to me as the wicked bitch. She tells them that I took their dad away from her and them. The problem here is that the kids live with me 95% of the time. I’m not sure how to move forward with the constant set backs from her. Most recently she had made the kids block me on all of their social media accounts. I’m not sure if I should Ben upset about it, however one rule for them to get SM was that me and their dad would have to follow them so we could watch what they are doing. Sometimes I wonder if I am making too many rules and that’s why they don’t like me, or if it’s stemming from their mom. Their mom also tells them to not like my kids, which just causes so many problems in our house. I’ve thought about just taking the kids phones away completely but again I think that will backfire on me. Also their dad doesn’t know how to approach the situation and we fight about what he should do about it. Help!!!
This is why I think
This is why I think stepmothers should avoid becoming a parent-like figure for stepkids, doing discipline, etc. When they are young, they will accept it, but when they get older, and especially if they have the other parent filling their head with poison, they start doing the "you aren't my mother!" stuff.
If I were you, I would let DH take over all parenting and discipline and just be a positive, supportive adult in their life. I know you've probably been parenting all along, so it's hard to do, but it might help. Also, if DH has full custody can he get her visits reduced to supervised? She really is poisoning them and it sounds like that's very obvious.
While your suggestion may work in some situations
I don't think it is really going to work here. Because these kids live with OP 95% of the time, how can she not parent and have a say about how they act in her house around her kids? I personally do not see how this suggestion could work. It sounds like years and years of biting your tongue and getting ulcers.
As a step-mom in a VERY similar situation almost exact actually as far as the BM is concerned, Stop right now this very minute ever worrying what BM thinks. She is crazy and honestly she will find fault with whatever you do either way so you can't live by crazy. Not to mention those kids are also ruled by crazy and they need stability which would be DH & you!!!! Of course anything that crazy does is going to seem better to them they are kids and they think crazy has their best interest at heart but she really doesn't she is just screwing them up for life and then whose problem will they be??? Yours and DH if you let them.
We live this and I can tell you that crazy never stops because well, she is crazy!!! The kids will never see that their mother is a lunatic and in our case mostly because she tells them what they want to hear and babies them and bails them out of any mess. They are adults now in their late twenties and still living like they are 16 . It is a hard life that is for sure. BUT don't let it control your household!!!!! You continue to do what is right and forget what BM (crazy) thinks!!!!!!
Facts. The kids need them.
Facts. The kids need them. All of them, in complete age appropriate detail. Rather than be so wrapped around the axle about the little darlings it is time for them to know the full meal deal of information on their manipulative, mean, PASing, manipulative POS mother.
No more worrying about them being themselves, being comfortable, etc.... Daddy needs to grow a set of balls, put his wife and marriage first, and get these manipulated little shits fully contained by enforced standards of behavior in the home and everywhere else. They behave or they suffer a notable state of abject misery until they do behave in compliance to the behavioral standards in the home.
Most importantly, their dad (and you of course) need to make every possible effort to model confident parenting, healthy adult relationships and respecful marriage for these girls.
They need to know the truth and facts about their mother, the relationship their parents used to have, the CO, court records, arrest records, adulterous history and anything and everything else pertaining to BM's toxic bullshit. This is the only way to counter her PASing evil shit, to arm the girls to protect themselves from her manipulative shit, and to give them the foundation that they will need to protect themselves from her for their adult lives.
My SS-27's SpermClan pulled this type of evil manipulative shit. Interestingly, like the BM in your blended family fairy tale, they were also the NCP side of the equation as well. He was a beautiful, sweet, well behaved advanced little boy, then he would go on SpermLand vitiation and we would have to start over on just about everything upon his return. As he got older the manipulation became more comprehensive. That is when we landed on introducing him to the facts in an age appropriate manner. By the time he was in his mid teens we would occasionally find him buried in our Custody/Visitation/Support files researching for himself the truth when they would spout some crap that didn't pass his smell test of reasonableness.
Keeping him fully informed allowed him to protect himself from their crap while on visitation and more importantly to protect himself from being manipulated by them as an adult.
Your SD's should have the truth and your family and marriage should be protected from BM's bullshit by whatever means necessary.
Bare her ass and keep her buried under the slime covered rock she should remain under in the shallow and polluted end of your SD's gene pool. Kids that are cursed with this kind of crap from one of their parents must have the other parent step up, protect them from the crap, and have the confidence to continually rub the toxic parent's nose in the stench of their bullshit behavior and when necessary, rub the kid's noses in that stench as well. To give the kid's clarity on the crap their toxic parent perpetrates.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Disengageing is fine but even
Disengageing is fine but even when you do that there is no need to put up with lies and disrespect from the child. If they don't like being told thaey just lied I tell my SD to not lie in front of mr