Should I Stay or Should I Go?
I've never come across a situation like this, and I just don't know where to turn at this point. I'm so torn. This is devastating.
Please bear with me, there's lots of details here.
I'm a father of three children from a previous marriage, the mother and I have joint legal and physical custody. I'm now engaged to a woman with two children. Since our relationship got serious a little over a year ago, we've worked to slowly integrate the two sets of children, particularly my son (13) with her two daughters (9 and 7) with great success. My other children are adults and are on their own.
Also, this is a long-distance relationship. We live 90 miles apart.
We've recently made the decision to buy a house together in her city, and my son's mother agreed to let my son live with us during the school year (he would live with mom during the summer). We bought a house based on our joint income, we've made the downpayment, closing is next week.
This weekend, my son and I were with my fiance's family on vacation. During the vacation, something happened, the details of which I won't divulge. The result is that now my son cannot live with us during the year, and he's no longer allowed to have contact with the girls (which would mean he could only visit me when my fiance' girls are not in the house, greatly restricting visitation time and driving a wedge between our families).
They say life is what happens with you make other plans, and this is a perfect case.
Part of me says to continue with the engagement and let me my son live with mom during (she's a good mom, no worries about issues there). But then I won't see my son as much.
Part of me says to end the engagement and be near my son during these next few months to help him get better. But then I lose my fiance'.
We were one week away from moving in and starting a new life together. But now, in an instant, I feel like I'm being forced to choose between my son and my fiance'.
Help!!!
Stop this.
Stop this.
I am going to make a similar
I am going to make a similar assumption to Echo but come to a different conclusion.
Your life was starting to move in the direction of your SO. There are serious plans on the table here. It is assumed your son did something "inappropriate". I would recommend that you let your son live with his Mom. Get him counselling. Its obvious there are problems with this kid. I would recommend you get on with your life with your SO. Why should your plans go to ruin because of an inappropriate kid? He needs professional help and I doubt you can help him. Don't waste the rest of your life because you believe you need to sacrifice yourself for your son. Being miserable isn't going to help him. Sounds like this kid may be on his way to the sex offenders list anyway and I would not give up my life to support a lost cause... Blunt but true.
So, Echo, only people who
So, Echo, only people who have children know true love? What utter bullshit, excuse my French!
You don't have to pop out a
You don't have to pop out a kid to understand empathy. Or maybe it's only BMs who understand love and kids. Tired of hearing this crap!
I don't like kids- that's why I don't have any. This is a truth since dealing with other peoples disgusting kids.
It's got nothing to do with a lack of understanding of a situation. Half the fucked up situations are because people believe that kids are the centre of the universe and the world should revolve around them. Sorry not in my book.
Get the kid professional help and get legal opinion if required. I don't belueve any bodies life should standstill because of a kid. He has a mother who can take care of him.
Oh there are kids that I do
Oh there are kids that I do love. Quite selflessly. And they aren't mine either.
My stepkid? Hate him! Problem or fucked up kids? Hate them too! Good reflection of a fucked up parent in most cases. One that doesn't know how to parent but because of a biological connection to the kid knows what is best... Damn joke.
Can I understand a parents love for a child? yes.
Can't understand the blinkers parents wear when it comes to their disgusting kids tho. Swear the sun shines out if the kids ass when its a disgusting stupid filthy criminal in waiting. Yeah, only a parent can love that. You are welcome to that kind of love. Glad I don't know that blinkered state.
Echo, I agree with every
Echo, I agree with every post. If you can't put your life on hold, you have to leave your fiance. I would try to work things out from a distance for a while and continue 50/50 with your ex though. I couldn't imagine choosing anything/anyone over my child in a time where they seem to need me most. This boy is young, he's not a lost cause in his 20s or 30s, he needs help and he needs your love and support. If you leave him now, he will believe your love is conditional on him being perfect and he will probably make even more mistakes.
You really can't understand the love you have for your own child before you have one. I don't say this to be mean or insensitive, I say it because it is simply true. It is incomparable to any love you've ever felt in your life. I didn't understand this before having my baby last year. It is like the best kind of insanity, one you can't judge or understand if you haven't been there. The toughest challenge as a parent is knowing/doing what is best for your kid when you really just want to save them.
This is a tough one.
This is a tough one. Obviously what your son did is pretty serious to not be allowed to have any kind of contact with your two step-daughters.
I cannot imagine the kind of decision you are forced to make let alone picture myself in one, but if I were you I would seek professional help; both legal and psychological.
Best of luck to you.
I think we need more
I think we need more information. You don't want to say why your son can't live with you, or can't have any contact with your GF's daughters. It sounds like he either did something to the girls or was accused of doing something to them.
Maybe you don't want to say what your son did because you think everyone will jump on you and judge you and your son. I understand that fear. However, it is hard to give advice without knowing all the details.
For example, say the daughter's father accused your son of molesting his girls. The advice would be different than if say one of the girls claimed something happened. Or maybe your son admitted to doing something, well then, I would definitely say he should stay with his mom.
But if one of the girls GF accused your son of going something, the advice would be different. Follow up questions would be does the girl have a history of lying, was the alleged abuse invested, etc.
Also, how does your GF figure in all of this? Is she accusing your son of something, and is refusing to allow him to live with ya'll? That also would affect advice given.
Also, WHO is saying your son can not live in the blended family home? Your GF? The authorities? The biofather of the two girls?
How come the girlfriend
How come the girlfriend hasn't called off the engagement? If the boy did something innapropriate, I wouldn't even want to endanger my own children...this is all too weird.
I understand they have said
I understand they have said no SS allowed when girls are there, but as we all know, this always doesn't work out. What ever the SS did was bad enough that he isn't allowed around them at all, then the GF should call it off. It sounds like a tough situation when factoring in the finacial obligations to the house.
OH good point!! We need
OH good point!! We need details...There could be any number of things going on..We could really turn this into a soap opera..lol
I agree. We don't even know
I agree. We don't even know if what the boy did was sexual in nature. He could have punched one of the girls, for all we know. (Not saying that's any better, mind you).
And again, he could have been falsely accused, by the girls' dad, mother, or even some other family member.
Also, like someone else mentioned, it could be a troubled teen that needs help, or a kid that is beyond being saved. Does he have a history of doing things like this? Has he always been in trouble? Does he have emotional/psychological issues?
We need more information.
I was thinking something
I was thinking something similar, Cactus. A faux poster attempting to get all the SMs who are also BMs riled up about standing by their bios, through thick and thin, unwavering in their support of a biochild - to perhaps point out the alleged hypocrisy of a SM wishing a spouse would draw a line in the sand regarding horrible skid behavior??! KWIM? I'm not offering an opinion or making any accusations myself about SMs or BMs or are also SMs. I'm just a little suspect of a pot-stirring thread/post, with limited info, that could be used against a SM later who expresses frustration with horrible skid behavior.
Just a thought.
First of all, thanks to
First of all, thanks to everyone for their candid comments, even the comments about my son.
Second, here are some specifics:
1. My son immediately confessed to the action, and the daughter confirmed it.
2. The new house to be purchased is only in the SO's name. I helped with covering closing costs, and would split housing expenses. When we got married, we would refinance.
3. Since the mom was willing to let my son live with me full-time during the school year, isn't she also guilty of "abandoning" my son? I never felt that way. But I understand the situation has changed dramatically.
Whoops, good catch, if they
Whoops, good catch, if they used both incomes to qualify for the mortgage, then both names will be on the mortgage.
Outgoing...I am truly sorry
Outgoing...I am truly sorry you are going through this. My SS14 recently accused my BD12 of molesting him (which was a lie and he admitted so to the professional counselor we started sending him to and to us and has since started to apologize to the family members he hurt) so although my situation is slightly different, I can sympathize with where you are and where your fiancé is.
I completely support your fiancée saying the boy is no longer allowed near her daughters. I had my SS14 removed from our home (we all already live together and married last year) due to the damage his lies caused. He was only allowed to return to the home after a few counseling sessions and with guidelines that my DH and I came up with in our own counseling session. He is in the home, but his privileges are revoked and he is NOT ALLOWED in a room with either of my daughters without adult supervision (for their safety...so no more lies can be stated). Now, in your case something actually occurred. Your fiancée has the right idea in protecting her daughters, and since you have been together and are considering a life together I'm sure you can see and understand this.
I will say, it surprises me that everyone is jumping on you to not abandon your child and the like...since when it was me and my SS simply made up lies, a lot of posters were saying "don't let him back in the house. If the kid wants to behave that way he shouldn't be around your daughters. If your DH can't see that and understand that the kid needs to be gone, then he should be gone too! (and similar type sentiments)" So as you can see, I am surprised that you are getting dragged through the mud here for considering allowing your son to live with his mother. You already had 50/50 custody. She agreed to the school year...so now she needs to take him...it's no different.
My advice to you...or my two cents...whatever you want to call it....
If you love this woman, and you really wanted to start a new life with her, YOU do DESERVE that. Your son right now has done something he knew was wrong, and shouldn't have, and has caused it to be that your "family" can't be a "family" any longer. His choice. NOT YOURS. I would suspect that your fiancée is not going to want your son around her daughters EVER. Which means visitation yes, will be tricky. You may have to use your visitation outside the home. (Something else someone suggested should happen in MY situation). Your son has successfully ripped apart your relationship and your life with someone who makes you happy. Someone who takes some of the attention off of him, someone who is NOT his mom (because all kids want that whether they say it or not). Your son is also 14 and depending on his attitude, it's probably going to continue to get worse...four/five more years and he should be on his own. I always remember to myself, that I truly love my DH, and my DH truly loves me. Although times are extremely difficult right now and his sons and their BM are doing what they can to make it trying, when the teens are gone it will be just DH and I, and I'm not willing to give up the rest of my life of happiness for poor decisions made by other people. I happen to have a 14 SS who is manipulative, conniving and sneaky. And will say and do anything to get what he wants. Fortunately, what SS14 said was not true, however, what I can tell you is that if it was...my daughter would have been immediately set up for counseling, would have gone through whatever program needed and would have been sent to live with her father rather than expose the other four children in the house to a predator. That is the truth of it. Our kids aren't always perfect. Our kids will make mistakes, some bigger than others. Sending your child to live with HIS MOTHER is not abandoning the child. Will he think you chose fiancée and her kids over him? Probably, but then again that's due to your son's behavior and choosing to stand by the victim and the other people you love. His actions require this change, not yours. His choices. His consequences. You can still call, email, text, Skype, whatever and show him you love him, but that doesn't mean you have to throw your life away because he made a rather big and consequential mistake. Lots of kids live with one parent and only seeing the other parent occasionally due to moves, military status, etc...Your son made a huge mistake, doesn't mean you don't love him, but he is the one who has consequences.
Again...just my two cents, and observation regarding the complete swing in opinions when it's dad saying what should he do about letting son go vs smom saying kid needs to go and hubby is being insensitive.
Good luck. It isn't easy. And I hope your relationship can withstand this trauma, whether you choose to live together or not.
It takes a mother to raise a
It takes a mother to raise a boy. It takes a father to raise a man. Your son is especially in need and now is no time to abandon him. He made a serious mistake but as long as he fully understands and it isn't repeated it can be forgiven. I doubt if the girl will find it that easy but hopefully her youth will help also.
You're a caring father I hope and you have major plans and investments in your immediate future. Unfortunately I think you must take on the obligation of the house, move in if you can, make your fiancées situation financially right (any loss she might occur by canceling her move) and keep the boy as close to you as possible. This is the exact age that a boy learns how to treat a woman and this boy especially needs the example.
Scubed and Tabby Yabba Do, I
Scubed and Tabby Yabba Do, I don't take offense to your suspicion. This seems like a ridiculous, made-up situation. If only that were the case.
Additional comment: my SO is obviously devastated by this. She wants our relationship to continue, but she's obviously concerned that my son gets the help he needs.
A little more background: the mom and I have had a split custody arrangement (he's with each parent two nights a week and every other weekend, plus rotating holidays). Recently, mom wanted my son to live with one parent or the other during the school year for consistency. I agreed to it in exchange for moving to the new city to get engaged to my SO. The mom agreed.
One option could be to return to the split custody situation and continue the long-distance relationship pretty much as it was, with the exception of my son's involvement.
A choice is going to have to
A choice is going to have to be made one way or the other by you or SO. What you want is to have your bread buttered on both sides and this is not going to last.
You are going to have to eventually choose between your son and SO. Either the kid lives with his Mom and you see him when you can or your stay where you are and raise the kid. Do you think your SO is going to spend the rest of her life - or the next- five years waiting for you to raise your son whilst she plays second fiddle? This After you commited to living together but can't now because your son stuffed it up?
If you won't choose eventually your SO will- because you choose your son over her and think a long distance relationship is what she deserves.
Think about what you want and make a decision that you can live with in the long run.
Thanks for coming back and
Thanks for coming back and clarifying.
- Your son needs you. He admitted he was wrong, so that says he is savable.
- The house is NOT in both of your names. Whew, you have dodged a bullet there, thank goodness!
I can't blame your GF for making the rules she has, but at the same time, it is not fair to either of you to try and continue a long distance relationship.
Stay where you are, focus on getting your son the help he needs. When you are ready to date again, find someone in your own town so moving won't be an issue and you won't have to worry about uprooting your son or moving away from him.
In this situation, you need to put your son first.
ETA - I don't see how the house is not in both names if you used both of your incomes to qualify for the mortgage. The bank isn't going to look at both incomes but only put one person on the mortgage. At any rate, you should cut your loses and take care of your son.
Thanks again for all the
Thanks again for all the comments and follow-up comments (except sueu2, you're just a judgmental @$$hole).
Here is the temporary solution we're considering for the next year: we'll basically maintain the LDR and housing situation from last school year...
- I live in my city, SO lives in hers and will continue to move into the new house. She can afford it on her own, but I will contribute to monthly expenses as needed
- Mom and I will maintain the "split" custody schedule for my son that we had last year.
- SO and I will put marriage plans on hold and continue our LDR for now.
At the end of next school year, we will re-evaluate.
This seems like a workable compromise. It enables the mom and I to have equal time with him during this critical stage in his life, and will give my SO time to heal and forgive my son for his actions.
Thoughts?
I don't see anything in your
I don't see anything in your temporary plan about getting your son a psych eval.
Like others have said. Aren't you worried that whatever it is your son did might have a lasting affect on him? Whatever he did, aren't you worried he might do it again if left unchecked?
And what is your SO doing on her end to help her and her daughter's heal?
I see a lot of speculations
I see a lot of speculations and suggestions but no one has brought up the possibility that the boy may be trying to sabotage the relationship. A 13 year old is not dumb.
When I married my present wife my then around 13 year old boy tried to sabotage the relationship. I did not let him do it. In hind site if he caused a break up I would not have ended up with 4 SKIDS.
A kid seems to always want their parents back together.
Another thing to remember is that you will be a step dad also if you marry this lady. It will never be easy on either of you.
Sorry Echo...I don't agree
Sorry Echo...I don't agree with the "You're wrong" he's not trying to sabotage. He very well is trying to sabotage. I'm sure he knows what he was doing was wrong...and knew it when he was doing it.
Remember my SS accused my DD of molestation...and then admitted it was a lie...and the FIRST night out of our home, confides to Grandma that he "has a hard time with the divorce (that happened 8 yrs ago, and BM has had 7 or 8 or more new BF's in the picture, while dad had 2 including myself), that he has a hard time with the new marriage, and he misses the time when it was just him and dad (which hadn't been since he was TWO because he has a younger brother)" So don't say teens won't do things to sabotage...he very well may look at his future stepsister sexually, but he didn't have to ACT on it...but he did, even though he knew it was wrong...and what happens?? Dad and fiancée are not moving in and living together anymore, and future stepsister isn't future stepsister for sure anymore...
I'm not saying he turned in
I'm not saying he turned in to a sexual predator because he doesn't like dad's gf...I am saying that he KNEW what he was doing wrong, and I'm not convinced that it may not have crossed his mind that an additional "benefit" of victimizing dad's gf's kid rather than some other random girl could be the destruction of the relationship...that's all I'm saying.
I agree that the kid needs
I agree that the kid needs help but it may have been done knowing it would break up the relationship. Only the kid knows for sure.
I would not let the kid around my girl even if I suspected bad behavior. She should break up the relationship.
I am not justifying his
I am not justifying his actions to molest a girl. I am saying that the boy may have did it for the purpose of breaking up the relationship. I don't put anything past a rotten step kid to get what they want. It is a bad thing for any reason why it happened and the relationship should end.
I am not saying it is a excuse. I am saying it may be a reason.
I have no kids and even I am
I have no kids and even I am saying....stick with your child.
Your son needs you at this moment. You can have a huge impact on how this turns around for him.
I'm sorry, but you cannot marry someone and live in a home where your son is not allowed. I could never respect a man that would do this to his child.
You may love your fiance, but right now your commitment is to raising your child to know right from wrong.
Stick with your kid so you don't live a life full of regrets.
As long as you, SO, and BM
As long as you, SO, and BM are all happy with the compromise you've made, then it's a good one. Talk to the counselor(s) about it as well to check for holes in your plans that might affect the kids, but for the grownups anyway I think you're good.
I'm glad you got the kids into counseling, and I hope it goes well.
Thank You Another Step for
Thank You Another Step for helping me get my point across.
deleted my reply... duh
deleted my reply...
duh didn't see the update for some lame reason.
I'll blame it on the "Precious Little Princess Boy" SS6 for making me lame.
Okay, um. I have to put my 2
Okay, um. I have to put my 2 cents in because the girls are prepubescent and if this is, in fact, an incident of a sexual nature, you need to realize that it's not psychopathy or sociopathy, but turn out to be pedophilia. I'm not saying it to scare you but I'm saying it because there's a very, very real possibility.
Many pedophiliacs do not know they are attracted to young children until they themselves age out of the age group they are "fond" of. And it's a really scary thing for them to go through too--imagine as you are growing older and older, the girls who you used to like are 10-11 because you were 10-11 but now you're 15 and you STILL like them, but find girls your age unattractive in that way. Along with the innocent feelings of "crushing" on them, you also get turned on. Now you're 16-17-18-19-20 and still, as you age, the group you like does not. Around 16-18 is when pedophiles often realize they are actually pedophiles and many times they hate themselves for it. There might be some genetic component because where 1/9 of the general population are lefthanded, they found that 1/3 pedophiles are lefthanded. Likewise, there have been many cases of pedophilia happen due to traumatic head injury at a young age--scientists can only guess that a portion of their brains stopped "aging" and that's why they are attracted to children at the age of the injury.
And it's sad because they can't control it WHO they like. They can only control their actions.
It's like homosexuality but in this case, what they are doing is a crime because it hurts the other party.
My husband would, typical of some men, completely turn away from his child if he molested another so he would walk away (and if it happened to our daughter, he'd kill). I am not so quick to do so because they will need help for the REST of their lives, not just until they're 18 because they will have to remain celibate for the rest of their lives so I vote you need to, at least until your son gets the help he needs, be on top of this.
It's also possible your son was somehow molested too, so you need to get to the bottom of that. This is not something that would be really possible while nurturing a new relationship. Please realize he needs support. You do not have to support what he did but you need to be there for him.
Your focus has to be your
Your focus has to be your son. You and BM have to put that first for the time being and you would need to commute to continue your relationship. If this was an incident of a sexual nature you will find that the girl's relationship will have changed to yourself now and she will possibly also feel that you are accountable for what happened. As will the mother, in her bleaker moments. Thus your relationship with your soon-to-be stepdaughters will be tainted, with the best will in the world, with mistrust. So therefore, for that reason too, you need to stay away from the full intimacy of their family unit so that you and your partner can evaluate the effects over time. counseling has been mentioned. You need first to evaluate with BM how serious you think the behavior was and what are the implications, obtaining professional help where necessary. once that is in place you need to look at counseling for yourself and possibly with your partner.
Speaking as one who was involved to a small degree sexually with an older step sibling I would say that it need not be horrifically traumatic and some of the posters here should not post a blanket opinion about this without knowing the facts. Equally it is known that such abuse, where it is abuse, is just as damaging to growing girls as is abuse by adult males. Clearly you are not prepared to share that level of information with us so you cannot be surprised if readers are judgmental. You and BM definitely need to take off all rose tinted spectacles on this topic and make up your own minds as to what motivated your son to behave as he did rather than hoping the problem will simply go away. Your taking over full time care is no solution on its own. Your son likely does need proper professional evaluation.
Your son is a mid teen and
Your son is a mid teen and not a small child. I would say let him live with mom, see him on a regular visitation schedule, get him in counseling, have him adjudicated so you are taking due diligence to protect other young children from his apparent predilection to molestation, and get on with YOUR life.
He will either due the work to put this behind him or he won't. Support him, parent him, and love him but do not abandon your own life for him.
IMHO of course.
Not much more to say other
Not much more to say other than Echo is totally right on every point!
If your son had touched my
If your son had touched my dd, I would be done with you and so focused on therapy for both my kids I would not have time for anything else. It will build mistrust, resentment etc with you around. Let them be and get well. Your son needs serious help. Right now! This is sick behaviour and I do hope the police are involved! Enough is enough let this family find peace and support and healing you do not need to be there! Your son needs you they do not!