SD problems
I was trying to find a forum that dealt with my issue, but I couldn't so I created a new one. I have been married to my DH for 2 years and I am already trying so hard NOT to throw in the towel. I love my DH very much, but I am having problems with my 9 year old SD. She has emotionally abused me over the past two years that I literally cannot stand ANYTHING she does. I do have to say I have absolutely NO problems with 6 year old SD. She is an angel and treats me with nothing but respect and love!!!
I don't even know where to begin. First, I am frustrated with how she acts at our house. My DH and ex have joint custody. The whole schedule is crazy: we have them 2 days, she has them 2 days, we have them 3 days, she has them 2 days, we have them 2 days, she has them 3 days...etc. Confusing, isn't it? My oldest SD is very clingy to my DH. I admit, at first, I WAS jealous, but then over the course of this last year, it has just flat out made me feel uncomfortable. My DH admitted to me that before I came along he allowed my oldest SD to sleep with him. After we first got married, she threw a fit about not being able to sleep with him anymore. We got over that...well kind of...she still brings up sleeping with us or him laying with her!? Anyway, the moment I got creeped out was when she was sitting on the couch next to my DH and, while looking at me, started careesing my DH's face and whispering things in his ear. She then noticed my DH and I were holding hands so she took my DH hand and held his hand just like we were. When he goes to the restroom, she follows him. She is always sitting on his lap, running her fingers through his hair. I just feel like there is some sort of abnormal father-daughter relationship. I am not talking about incest on his part, just that I think she has this sick warped attatchment to her father. When she wants to wear a bra, she asks him what color she should wear. She even asks him what color underwear she should wear. My DH has been working very hard on getting her to break her habits, but she is getting worse. I need help! I need advice! Is this normal behavior from a 9 year old girl?
My SD is 27 YO now but I met
My SD is 27 YO now but I met her when she was 9. She was jealous of the attention that I received from her father now my DH. She commented to him one day that she wanted him to love her like he loved me and often asked him who he loved more. When DH and I would stand together and hug she would wiggle herself into the middle of it. To his credit, DH did explain to SD that he loved us both just in different ways and I encouraged DH to spend 1 on 1 time with her. I also started spending more 1 on 1 time with her and we (SD and I) would jointly do things for her father (like plan Father's Day etc.) Although my story with SD does not have a happy ending - SD and I are estranged today - these actions did help her adjust when she was younger.
So - my long answer is that I think your SD's behavior is normal because I understand where her behavior comes from. That being said, the behavior needs to be addressed. DH should address it and/or DH and you as a couple should address it.
NOT NORMAL!!!!! my exsd
NOT NORMAL!!!!!
my exsd seemed to have a 'crush' on her father up till age 10 before we split. she always acted as if i stole her man. it isnt normal, its something that comes up sometimes (electra complex), but it isnt normal or acceptable. once, when she was tickling my ex, she asked him if that made him 'feel weird', cause it did for her. whenever he and i hugged, she would scream and throw shit. the list can go on and on, but ingeneral, my exsd acted like he was cheating on her.
This is not normal behavior.
This is not normal behavior. A 9 year old SD has no business sitting on daddys lap, holding hands, running fingers through hair, etc...
Do they kiss on the lips too?
It COULD go either way... And
It COULD go either way...
And it all depends on how your DH handles it! HE is the one who will have to show his daughter the boundaries of a PROPER father/daughter relationship. Because at 9, it's getting to that point where it's becoming unhealthy for them to have this attachment. Your SD doesn't know any better- DH has to teach her.
When I came into DH's life, my youngest SD was 8, and because of the divorce and her age and her insecurites, boy did she have an attachment to DADDY! Literally, if he and I were walking next to each other, she would PUSH me out of the way to walk next to him! It actually became comical because it was so obvious.
Luckily, because I have a degree in Education and know childhood development, I knew that this is normal and how to react to it, so I "coached" DH through it and taught him how to react to it. SD was sleeping with Daddy at the time, too. We eventually weaned SD to the floor and then eventually to her own bed.
But all her behaviors, the wanting to be picked up constantly (she was over 9!), sleeping in our room, pushing me aside, etc., they can be addressed, but it takes a LOT of time and energy and commitment on your part and your DHs part.
Now SD is 14 and well-adjusted. She knows her boundaries with her dad. But if I weren't around....I shudder to think!
nowforteens....do you know of
nowforteens....do you know of any resources that could help us?
Give me some time to look
Give me some time to look into it and I'll PM you later!
Thank you!!!!
Thank you!!!!
smpfrogs78....I have the some
smpfrogs78....I have the some of the same issues. My BF daughter is very clingy and needy and has to have her father's attention all the time. She sits all over him...follows him wherever he goes...its crazy. I don't think it is normal behavior but I also don't blame her for it...her father needs to let her know what is appropriate behavior for a 10 year old girl and to let her know what her role is in the home...she acts like his wife not his child.
That is not normal behavior
That is not normal behavior for a 9 yo to have towards her father. Try to have your DH talk to her bout growing up and behavior changes.
I can definitely see how this
I can definitely see how this would make you uncomfortable. The watching you while she touches her father and whispers in his ear gave me the creeps. Maybe I'm overreacting but it just seemed devious. I can understand not wanting to share your father, but she should be expressing it in a healthier way than acting like his gf. It kind of sounds like she's marking her terriorty, to make sure you know where you stand. If she's this manipulative now, what's she going to do at age 12 or as a teenager?
I have always kinda thought
I have always kinda thought that too about "marking her territory" She not only does it with me around but usually waits until there are several people around and then she is all over her father. Instead of standing beside him she will stand in front of him and lean back and rub her head against his crotch. Kinda creeps me out and I think it does the BF too cause I notice he noves away from her when she does that. She is all over her uncle too. Sometimes those two creep me out too. I didn't come from a real touchy feely family so I try to put it all in perspective of a happy medium....still creeps me out. When my children were this age...no sitting on laps, no hanging on everyone, no wrestling, no pulling your shirt up, and no sitting with your legs wide open. Young ladies act like young ladies.....I've tried to get this point across to Princess but she could care less. I told BM about some of the unladylike behavior. She talked to her but it didn't do any good either.
This is very normal for kids
This is very normal for kids of divorce. The female daughters are soon the ones "taking care of Dad" in the house. Part of it is the female's nurturing tendencies---so if the DAD is single for a while, it will be real hard to break. If the dad's knew this early on after becoming single, it could be prevented, but usually they don't get it. Then the SD is replaced by someone new, and they have to try to stake their boundary. It also happens the reverse, with moms and sons. It takes a lot of patience and continual guidance to break of habits and realizing what their actual role is as the child rather than the SO.
Very true...it is the adults
Very true...it is the adults that must break the habits. My son never did that...I also never gave him the status in the home of being an adult. When I was single, I was the mom>>>he was the child>>>My role is to take care of him>>>his role is to be a kid. I never allow inappropriate behavior towards me. He gave me some trouble when I first started seeing my BF and I set the record straight and it was all ok. I simply asked him if he wanted me to alone the rest of my life...he said no...I asked him if he wanted me to be happy and not be lonely...he said yes...I told him that my love for him would never change and that he would always be my heart and just because I have someone else in my life doesn't mean I love him any less. He is fine about everything now and likes my BF.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses. It makes me feel so much better to know there are people out there who understand what I am going through. My biggest complaint these days is that I feel so alone because of these feelings I am experiencing! So, THANK YOU!!! To answer Gia's questions, yes, they do kiss on the lips. HOWEVER, his whole family (parents, sister, etc.) kiss on the lips. I wasn't brought up this way and it kind of creeps me out, but I am trying to understand and respect our differences. My DH always tells me what a great role model I can be for his girls, and I totally agree, but when I suggest that my oldest SD become more independent and responsible, he gets so defensive. She literally bosses him around at times. Daddy, go get this for me. Daddy, go get that for me. One time, my DH told my oldest SD to find her shoes and you know what her response was? "You have two feet, do it yourself." I about flipped out and waited for him to say something, but he didn't. I was overhearing all this from our bedroom so when he came into the room I said something to him, and only then did he get upset. I just don't get it. I know that it is my DH's responsibility to teach her these things, but he is just so inconsistent. I feel like a nag MOST of the time. I have never raised children before, but I know what a 9 yo girl going into the 5th grade can and cannot do. I am a teacher and I am very familiar with child development. I am trying to help my DH and my SD so she becomes a loving, considerate, responsible, independent young lady. I just get so scared at the things I witness.
My DH and I are currently pregnant with our first child, and I just see things escalating after the baby is born. Heaven help me if I have a little girl. My SD has major anger management issues and I can only imagine the jealousy she is going to feel toward this child. There are SO many issues going on in this house, I haven't even begun to touch on all of them. Any advice?
How old was your SD before
How old was your SD before she grew out of her "hypersexual" behavior? I can totally see my SD being that way when she grows up because she already masterbates and is just way too sexual, at least for me. She is just way too needy at the age of 9 (10 in July). I keep telling my DH that he is not doing her any favors by catering to her every need and ignoring her behavior.
Okay, so I am feeling like
Okay, so I am feeling like some what of a built in babysitter. Since I am a teacher and I have off during the summers, it has become my responsibility to watch my SD's. I have even taken on work this summer just so I wouldn't have to watch them. I feel horrible, but my DH gave me no option in watching the girls. Even though the BM has joint custody she CANNOT provide childcare on HER days so my DH took it upon himself to tell her we would take care of it. That's a whole other situation in itself! My oldest SD is a living nightmare to me, just completely rude and ignores my very existence. Today when she got dropped off at the house, she didn't say hi and the look on her face was just of utter disgust and annoyance. With in twenty minutes of being home, she "accidentally" knocked a balloon into some flowers I received from one of my graduating seniors, and NEVER said she was sorry. I called my DH crying and he just flipped out when I told him she didn't say hi. He is tired of the way she treats me and he even contemplated dropping her off at BM's house. I don't want her life to be turned upside down anymore than it already is, so I asked him not to say anything. Can anyone blame me for not wanting my life to be anymore tortured by this girl than it already is? I just get so depressed about this whole situation. Any advice?