Hello fellow step-parents who are at the point of pulling out their hair.

I think I should begin by saying that until the past 3 or so years, I have ALWAYS been a "kid person." I babysat every chance I got, I worked in preschool for several years, and have always had a strong connection to children and working with them. That is until I met DH and my SS.

What's interesting is that when DH and I first started dating, SS and I got along beautifully. We had so much fun together with DH, and I always looked forward to his visits. When SS was 4, he playfully said that he wanted his daddy to marry me. But I got pregnant really early in my relationship with DH, and as our relationship became more serious things... well, began to deteriorate.

I'm not exactly sure what was the trigger, it may have been several things, but here is what I know: I got pregnant and SS (who was 4 at the time) began putting on TREMENDOUS amounts of weight. By the time he was 6, he could wear my husband's clothes. SS became incredibly introverted, to the point where children would ask him to play at the park and he would tell them to go away. He began exhibiting signs of emotional trauma, i.e. sh*tting his pants until he was 7-8 (my son who is 5 years younger was potty trained before him) and as a 9 year old, he cries 4-8 times per day. Something else I find incredibly disturbing is that BM asks SS to keep secrets from us, like places she takes him, people they see, etc. Not to mention BM holds SS ransom whenever she doesn't get what she wants at the exact moment she wants it and verbally harasses DH (she wouldn't allow DH to see SS until after New Years once because she called at 5:00pm one Halloween asking us to babysit so she could go to a party when we had already made plans, and refused to let DH see SS for 5 months after our wedding).

And that's just the serious stuff... Then there's all of the day-to-day nonsense that I can only assume is a result of everything else, like ruining my wedding and wedding pictures by crying through the whole thing and scowling in all the pictures (the wedding was this past December, so its not like he was a toddler/preschooler). There's the fact that he has absolutely no interest in ANYTHING except TV (no opinions, no hobbies, no friends, no sports/activities NOTHING), treats DS like he's a disgusting fungus and wants absolutely nothing to do with him (despite the fact that my son worships him), and only gets visibly excited when my son has to leave for any reason.

Obviously, the kid has serious issues. Everyone who has ever met him can see that. However, BM literally starts screaming when the idea of therapy or being evaluated is mentioned, and despite the fact that DH has a legal right to take him to whatever doctor he wants, no appointments have been made in the 5 years we've been together. Instead, my husband pretends like nothing is happening, or talks a big game and never acts. And I resent him for it. I resent DH and BM for being too stupid and/or too proud to acknowledge that something is seriously wrong with their child. I resent that his care is thrown on me without my permission. I resent the fact that I go out of my way to research ways for DH and SS to improve their relationship and get SS help, and DH can't be bothered enough to pull business cards out of his wallet to call a doctor. I resent that I changed the course of my educational pursuits and dreams because DH couldn't move to a different city and be away from SS, yet DH doesn't utilize all of his allotted custodial time or bother to do anything worthwhile with SS at all. I resent that SS treats my son badly, when all my son wants to do is play with him. I resent the fact that we go out of our way to organize fun things to do, and its always met with disinterest, whining, and moping. But most of all, I resent the fact that there is absolutely nothing I can do, and nobody with any power will do anything. And I absolutely hate the fact that this whole experience has made me feel repulsed by 99% of children that don't come from my body.

I seriously feel like running away. Like many of you, I find myself confined to my room so that I won't have to look at SS or deal with any of it. I've been in therapy for years because of blended family issues, and the only way to really cope with things that you can't control is to let go. But how do you let go when its in your house, whining and crying at you, and making everyone in your family feel like crap? I'm a pro at cutting people at of my life that are harmful to me, but can you do that with a kid? I've gotten so many mixed messages from everybody I've talked to, from "just leave!" to "go on a step-mommy date!". I don't want to leave because it upsets DH, and the idea of doing anything with him alone LITERALLY makes my stomach turn with all the resentment I feel towards the situation. And doing anything as a "family" never works, because SS mopes and ruins the outing because DS and I are there.

Yoga has helped a lot over the past few months with my ability to cope with him here, but he's here for a whole week, and I just want to scream. Any suggestions or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.