New Here-Not sure what to do anymore, am i crazy?
First off let me say I am so relieved to find that such a site exists for step parents to come together for advice!
So this morning seems like it was my breaking point with my skids. My BF and I have a house together and have his son and daughter 50% of the time (every other week). SS10, and SD9.
When my BF and I met a few years back everything was great with the kids. I truly fell in love with them, and treated them as if they were my own. It was to a point where the weeks we didn't have them, I would feel like something was missing when they weren't there. Now as time has passed it seems like everything is completely different. I feel like they aren't the same children that I met and grew to love a few years back, instead they have taken a turn for the worse.
Around two years ago when we bought our house we had some issues where the kids would be "telling stories" back and forth between our house and their BM house. One week we would get the "I don't want to go back to my Mom's house, she's so mean and lies" and at first I really felt for the kids because I thought that something was going on. But then we were contacted by the BM to find out that they say the same exact thing to her before they are supposed to come to our house. It was getting so frustrating that the kids and my BF and their BM had to sit down and have a talk about it. For a while it seemed to pass, and I thought that they had moved past this whole thing.
Since, this issue has subsided a bit, but now we have a whole other issue on our hands. Whenever you ask the kids about anything, whether it is me or my BF, they lie about it. "Did you brush your teeth?" "Did you do your homework?" "Where is your dirty laundry?" "Who spilled this?" No matter what the question is, they will lie. I feel like I am going insane! I ask a question, and they say "yes I brushed my teeth" then when I'm in the bathroom, I see that the toothbrush is dry, no way they just used it, so I confront them about it and they just stare at me. Or I ask who did something, and it's always "Not me" out of both of them. Then eventually I'm like someone had to do it because you are the only ones here besides me, and after 5 mins of talking about it, one will cave and be like "I did". My BF and I have had COUNTLESS talks with the kids about lying. If there is one thing that I can't stand, is someone who lies to me. I hate to say it, but it has gotten to the point where I don't know what to believe that comes out of their mouths. It's like I have to sit there and totally weight out the whole thing in my head to try to determine what the truth is. Maybe it's just me, but I'm only asking little questions here, not like "did you kill someone today". I know that their BM is a constant liar, she lies about anything and everything under the sun. Maybe I am paranoid but it seems like something is going on in the off weeks with the kids while they are at her house. I don't know if she just allows them to act this way at her house (which I can't understand that she would tolerate) or if she is filling their heads with the way they can act and what they can do while they are with us???
We have also had issues with SD taking clothes and other items from our house back to BM house (both houses have separate clothes and toys etc. that they keep at both houses). It started with a very pricey jacket that I bought her that is part of a track suit. Well, when BM found out that I had bought SD this, she totally freaked out and went through the roof, because "she should be the one buying things like this, and not me". Well SD took the jacket to BM house over a year ago, my BF and I have asked MANY MANY times very nicely for it back, but no. My BF and I have sat down with her multiple times and asked her to put the jacet in her bookbag so that she can bring it back to our house when she returns, but she never remembers. Then last weekend when I was doing laundry I was making sure that everything was clean and ready to go back to her mom's house. When I asked SD where her outfit from her Mom's house was so that I could wash it for her, she said "I don't know". So like a crazy person I am looking all over the house to see if it got put somewhere else. I looked everywhere, until something in my head clicked that I should look in her bookbag. Sure enough there were her clothes from her Mom's. SD told us that her Mom is telling her to do it and that is why she did it, but again she lied for a good hour about it. So she was sneaking her Mom's clothes back so she couldn't wear them so she would wear clothes that I have bought her (just another way to screw me out of the clothes that I work hard to provide to her). So I was frustrated to say the least about it. Tell me how she can totally remember these crooked things that her mother wants her to do all the time, and yet can't remember for over a year to bring back our things??? Yesterday the kids come back to our house and I asked her where her sneakers were, well low and behold, after 15 minutes of telling me she didn't know, she finally caved and told me that she took my shoes and hers for her Mom's house, both to her Mom's house. So now I am also out her pair of sneakers. I'm sure some are thinking that I am just being crazy about this, but it wouldn't be such a big deal if the BM was a "normal" person that would just return the items. She ISN'T, she will NEVER return anything. The BM is a very childish person that feels like she won, by getting the stuff that I bought, because A-she knows it bothers me, and B-now we have to spend more money for new things.
SD also took a pair of gold earrings for her Mom's house and left them there, she has no idea where they are either. The bad thing about those is that my Mom bought them for her for Christmas. My Mom asked me about them the other day in conversation, and I don't have the heart to tell her that they are gone.
I just can't take the lying anymore. I feel so disrespected all the time! It's like SD and SS have no respect for me or their Dad, or our house. Like everything on our weeks is a joke, and they don't take anything seriously. I just don't know what to do, I don't understand what is going on. Now it is stressing my BF and my relationship, and I know that I came into the relationship knowing he had kids, but things have just completed been turned upside down now. My BF for a while didn't realize there was such a problem, now he does but I still don't feel like he fully respects the whole situation. He admitted to me there are issues with the kids, but then goes on to say that I need to change some things too. This morning I just broke down in tears because I can not take it anymore, I don't know what to do, or how to change it all. I feel like I can't even live in my own house anymore between the constant lying and sneaking around.
Sorry this is so long, and if anyone has actually read this, I truly do appreciate it! Honestly it feels like a huge relief to get this off my chest, and vent a little. If anyone could chime in with suggestions or comments that has been there or dealt with the same things, it would be fantastic!
Amicrazy, My advice to you
Amicrazy,
My advice to you would be to do this:every time you buy a jacket (a pair of shoes etc) and it's taken to BM house (forever), you simply do not replace that item, i.e. do NOT go and buy a new jacket or new pair of shoes. You may or may not advise SD of your action/decision to do that. She's old enough to figure it out. You'll see how quickly the stuff will start coming back.
Typically, even with 50/50 custody, a parent on a receiving end of CS is supposed to supply all the clothing (basic need). Obviously that doesn't apply to your situation but it sure would be easier (less headache AND heartache for you).
As for lying - the kids nowadays are being taught to be manipulative and deceitful by too many bio-parents. Especially in a situation of a blended/new/step family. I'm not suggesting you should simply give up and let them lie to you, but that you should be aware that it's a common occurence.
The lying, sad to say, is a
The lying, sad to say, is a common thing. And it's frustrating to you because it IS over the stupid things! "Did you brush your teeth?" I mean, why would anyone LIE about things like that?!
But the truth is, they become CONDITIONED to lie. And yes, about the simplest things. So re-condition them to tell the truth.
"Did you brush your teeth?"
"Yes."
And you see that the toothbrush is DRY.
Bring them the dry toothbruth and show them and ask again. And now ask for the TRUTHFUL answer.
IT takes a lot of time, but so does effective parenting.
But here's the catch- your BF must be the one to do it! after all, HE is their dad. If HE lets them "skate" on the simplest of lying, he enforces the continued bad behavior.
As for the clothing going to BMs house, I agree with the above poster- let it stay there and don't replace it. Eventually, they'll get the hint. And remind them WHY it's not being replaced. And remind them to bring it back. If they say they don't know WHERE it is, you know that's a lie, and you can say you're almost 100% certain it's there, so they can check the next time they go over to BMs!
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your replies! I truly do appreciate it!
I understand what you are saying about not replacing items, and honestly I may sound like an idiot here, but it never occured to me to just not replace the items. I just always would replace the things, maybe not right away, but they always have been. I never thought about it like that to have her miss the things, so maybe it would put a stop to it. Thanks for altering my point of view to see a more logical way to deal. I guess it just makes me so mad, that eventhough we have 50/50 custody, my BF still pays a substantial amount in CS and yet we still need to provide all of our own things as well as pay for her to buy for her house too... grrr, but that is a different story.....
I have been told may times that children who are split between two households like to play sides. I can't tell you how many times I have heard this, and in the back of my head I knew this going in, I guess I just didn't think that it would get this bad, with these little tiny things happening constantly. It's sad but I am getting to the point where I just like to do my own thing when they are there, because when they are talking to me I feel like they are just trying to get something, or they want to say stuff about their Mom's house, almost like they just want me to get all excited about how her house is terrible that way I do bigger and better things for them at our house.
I am frustrated, frustrated beyond words. I try to get honest answers out of them by doing what you suggest and keep re-asking, like is that your final answer. "Are you SURE you didn't do blah blah blah" And I just get blank stares back and then they will have an attitude for a good 30 mins or so with me because I was the "evil stepmother". There have been instances where my BF will be talking to them and they will totally lie to him, he won't catch it but I will and interject in the conversation and then they get even bigger attitudes. It's not that I think they are horrible monsters, but I guess I just see them more in true light than he does. He used to get mad at me because he thought that I was accusing them of everything, but over time he has learned that his kids are not so innocent like they play to be. A little while back we got in a big argument because of the lying that was going on and he would just let it roll off of his back. Now he is getting better with it, but it still seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel...
They do learn to pay both
They do learn to pay both sides if they are allowed to get away with it. Against all of my wishes, ours were allowed to. Just recently SD18 spent her week at her mom's railing against DH & I, even to the point of when talking to DH on the phone she screamed bloody murder for her mom to come to the phone and straighten DH out!! (LOL)
When she returned here we sat down with her and explained that it was her problem, not her mothers, or ours. She then was all sweet and tried to lay blame on her mother. Last week was beat up DH & I week, and this week its beat up BM week... NOPE. I told her those days are over. She has played that game for at least 9 yrs. Told her point blank the reason she does not like me is that I will not let her manipulate me. She is done manipulating both DH & BM. Time to wear the big girl panties.
Just this weekend she tried manipulating and lying to me. DH is out of town and it's her week to come here. BM is out of town for 2 weeks. SD calls to say that she needs to spend the weekend at BM's to let the dogs out because SS sleeps too late. I called her on it: or is it that it is more fun to stay at a house with no parents to nag you? You do not have to make an excuse or put down your brother as irresponsible just so you can stay where you rather stay. Understood? Yes. Now don't burn down your mother's house and call me if you need something. Long hesitation: Thank you and I am sorry for lying. Baby steps that should have been taken years ago.
I feel your frustration. I
I feel your frustration. I know this may seem rash and very difficult to do but simply stop worrying about these issues. Maybe the kids are incapable of understanding the core reasons why items should be returned. (they are mine and I will do what I want with my stuff) Love them, support them, care for them but dont shop for them. They will come around, in time. as crazy as it sounds, if the kid doesn’t have clean pants or new shoes at your home b/c they left them bm home, then they wont have them. simple as that. it wont kill them. it may drive u crazy (lol) but it will be ok. when i was being a brat with my mom at the rip age of 15 and had pushed her to her breaking point. she told me that she loved me but the days of me being spoiled brat where at an end. she told me that the law says i have to send u to school, feed you, give u medical attention, and keep a roof over your head soooooo.... i came home to find a mattress, no box spring, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 shirts, 2 underwear, 2 pairs of socks, 1 pair of shoes, clean sheets, pillow, and schools books. she had removed EVERY item i had from my room, to include all furniture, boxed them off to storage. she gave me written directions on the use of the washing machine, and told me the times for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was afforded bathroom and kitchen privileges. No phone or tv. it wasnt pretty in my house but i caught on after awhile. I finally got my stuff back along with a new outlook. rash but i look back on it now and it reminds me that one; dont sweat the small stuff, sometimes things just work out on thier own,(its a mystery but it does) two; standing up for you want is extremely important, NOT demanding what you want is more important and three that things can be taken from you easliy so treasure what you have. I hope it helps. good luck.
Your mother must have read
Your mother must have read the book "Tough Love".
In my opinion, the kids have
In my opinion, the kids have no incentive NOT to lie? Yes, it may be a normal kid thing to do, but it doesnt sound like you have put out any consequences for lying? nor have you rewarded the truth (even little ones)? You know their "currency" so just use things that matter to them. For my kids (and these are biokids!) I have to tell them they will go to bed a half hour early if I catch them in a lie. And yes, my 7yo BD tells me she brushed her teeth when she didnt! So of course, I check for dry toothbrushes! haha
My older daughter just isnt like that. She will rat herself out without even being asked! But my youngest will always say "I wasnt trying to" or some other common phrase to shift blame off herself. DH likes to point this out about her (and he's her father!) and I feel like he's picking on her...for a trait she likely got from him! But anyways...without consistent and persistent PARENTING (consequences laid out up front, warning given, then choice to lie or tell truth) nothing will change. I often tell my daughter to LOOK ME IN THE EYE, and "try again" and I mention that this is her chance to change what she said and tell the truth or _____ (whatever consequence) will be next, and it usually works. And like you said, its stuff I already know if it's true or not!
The other thing is...stop asking questions you know the answer to. Dont give them a chance to lie. If you know they didnt brush teeth, just tell them to. Or if you know "one of them did it" just say "one of you two spilled this, and I need you BOTH to help me clean it up" and it's not about who did it. Maybe too much worry about blame goes on at BM's?? Who knows...but there ARE ways around this. Good luck!
Is there any way that some of
Is there any way that some of the major clothes like jackets and shoes can become a non-issue? It might be strange to wear a great jacket to school every other week and a not so great one the others. Same with shoes.
If their her clothes, can't she decide, at least for those items, when she wants to wear them and carry them back and forth between the houses if necessary?
The problem in our household
The problem in our household was that I would go buy something expensive for the steps, they'd take it home to BD's house, then when it was time for them to have something to wear they never did because "that's at Daddy's". It's annoying as hell...