my step children are ruining my marriage.
I really do not know what to do anymore. I absolutely love my wife. She is my best friend, the one person I most want to be with. We have a healthy sex life (after 5 years), we are great together. My problem is her 2 daughters. The oldest is 16 and the youngest is 14. I'm just going to vomit a bunch so I'm sorry if it seems disorganized.
So first off, my wife and her former spouse (the bio dad) were married 12 years and had s horrible relationship. There was infidelity from both of them. They could not say a nice word to each other for the last 6 years of there marriage. There was a lot of yelling, but no physical abuse. My wife is the type of person that she would have rather killed herself then get a divorce. And that is what she tried to do. She attempted suicide as a release from her hell. She was then put in a respite house for a month. During that time the bio dad filed for divorce. They got divorced and they shared custody. 50/50. Half the week they would be with their mom, the other half with their dad.
A little about myself. I also have kids from a previous marriage. They are 12 and 11. Both boys. I served 15 years in the army and have been diagnosed with PTSD. My ex wife and I were friends for 4 years before we started dating, only married for 4 and get along pretty well now. We divorced before we absolutely hated each other. She has the boys the majority of the time, as I only have them on weekends.
When my wife and I started dating it was a little over a year and a half after her divorce. My wife and her ex still fought on a regular basis. I think the bio dad knew how much I wanted to pound his face in, so he was always in his best behavior when I was around. My wife and her ex constantly bickered about everything and it was having drastic effects on her daughters. Now I really liked her daughters when we first started dating. And I think a lot of that was because their dad was still in the picture. Even though I hated how he treated my wife, he was at least the disciplinarian in their life. I knew before we ever got married that her daughters, especially the younger one, was going to be a problem. But I looked passed all of that because they were gone half the time and was absolutely in love with my wife.
Fast forward 2 years. The bio dad moved away 800 miles and is lucky to see them once every other month. Shortly after the bio dad moved away. The oldest felt suicidal and had to live in a mental health facility for three months at the age of 13. The youngest punched my wife and then tried to set the house on fire.
My wife and I also have a son together. He is now 4. When this all started happening he was still a baby. So after the youngest tried to set the house on fire, I sent her down to live with her dad.
I know I'm leaving out a lot of information, but neither daughter has any respect for anyone. They are lazy. They have bad attitudes. They have foul mouths. Tgey are completely selfish. They have never been spanked or really ever disciplined by their mother. My wife is nothing but a doormat to her daughters. They tell her what to do. I can't stand them. I'm not going to say my boys are perfect, but they at least know how to treat people with respect. And yes they did and do get spanked. If you disagree with it, you can keep your opinion to yourself because I'm living with proof that spanking works.
Sorry for the tangent. A month after I sent her down she ended up coming back to stay with us because her dad is "mean". Then shortly after that both girls decided they hated their dad and wanted nothing to do with him.i honestly believe they only hate him because he doesn't lay down for them and actually disciplined them. I love my wife, but she is not a great mom. She loves and cares for her daughters, but is afraid to be a parent and do the hard stuff. She wants her daughters to like her and be friends. Before the girls hated their father they used to say stuff about rather living with their dad, then with her. Then when I called them on it, it stopped. have always been a no nonsense type of dad. I parent without fear because you can't be afraid to parent your child. Control belongs with the parents not the kids.
So fast forward to present day. Now that the girls can no longer use going to their dads as a way to manipulate their mom, they now use the threat of suicide constantly to get what they want. "If you don't let me go to my friends house right now, I'm just going to kill myself. I don't care if it is midnight". I hear it all the time. It's gotten to the point that I, an army veteran with three combat tours, who has seen a lot of real violence, who has lost two army buddies to suicide, an no longer fazed by the term.
They are horrible human beings. I keep telling myself that they'll be gone in four years, but I think that is wishful thinking. Neither of them will succeed in college and neither has a work ethic that will carry them in life. The oldest has started smoking weed and I don't even think she will graduate high school. They have a lot of serious issues and I don't know how to help them. All I know is they make my life hell. My anger towards them carries over towards my children. I over react because I don't want them to end up like the girls. I feel like most weekends I have the boys on m pushing them away to protect them from any influence the girls may have. My wife is miserable. She can't stand her daughters either, but she doesn't want send them away or discipline them because she is afraid they will kill them selves.
I really don't want to leave my wife because I really do love her. When her daughters weren't here it was happiest time of my life. I don't feel either of the girls would take their own life, but I could see my wife doing it as a way to escape things if I did. She hasn't said anything, but I really feel that is what she would do if I left. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm open for anything.
Your step children are not
Your step children are not ruining anything... your DW is doing it all on her own.
First she needs to start parenting the girls, stop being their friend, she's the mother and not their buddy.
If they say if you are not going to allow this or that I will kill myself, your DW should have the guts to say - Fine here's a knife go and do it out side please and then ignore them.
I would strip their rooms prison style and if they threat anything I will lock them up in their rooms. But then again I'm not your DW, I'm a cold hart mother who raised a boy, I was never his friend. He hated me more then he loved me, I still do not care, now he's a young working man and we have a great relationship, teenagers are not easy, they are pure evil if the basic parenting was done correctly, you can forgive the middle bratty years, cause to do come around after a certain age....
Unfortunately your step daughters learned from a very very young age manipulations sets you free. Best would be for you is to live separately, take your 4 year old and simply live separately, close by DW.. this is what I did, I moved out with my kid, cause my lovely SD sounds just like your 2, same age as well...
I agree that their mother
I agree that their mother needs to be more assertive with her children. We have had many arguments over it. The problem is that she has allowed this to go on so long that she cannot regain control. I don't think she has it in her. A lot of it is the girls bio dad did such a good job in belittling her and taking away any power she may have had. Any decision she ever made was instantly cut off by their dad. The relationship that my wife had with their bio dad was extremely toxic. I should stay it is still toxic. Things between them are starting to get better because they are starting to see the effects of their toxic relationship. I contemplate many times moving out with my son and staying with my wife, but I wouldn't even know how to approach a subject like that with my wife.
Your wife can simply tell her
Your wife can simply tell her children, I don't care what your Dad says, this is my home and this is how it's done...
punish them if they do not listen. It's never too late... SO started parenting his snot only now and she's 18.
how do you approach the subject, you don't, you simply go on living your life, get your own place and then tell her, I'm moving out, I can not live like this, this is the first step, the only choice you have now is to start parenting your children or this will end in divorce.
I sent her to live with her
I sent her to live with her father because the decisions she was making was affecting my children. I told my wife that I was done with her and wanted her gone. Between her full on punching my wife and trying to set the house on fire. I felt that someone who could actually discipline her should be responsible for her. The only reason she came back was because she begged my wife every night to come back and me being the dumby I am agreed to let her back. We do take every suicidal threat seriously. They have both been sent to the hospital twice, but the girls had gotten to the point that they know if they don't explicitly state they want to kill themselves, the hospital won't take them. Like I said earlier, it has become such a routine that I don't even react anymore. It's all a ploy for them to get what they want from their mother. Me and my wife did not plan to have a child together. We both thought we were done when our son came. We had already been married and married couples can be just as dumb as teenagers some time. The friction with the ex isn't fabricated. I'll get dragged into their fights occasionally, but I end it quickly.
I've been dealing with my
I've been dealing with my PTSD since I first got off of active duty in 2010. A lot of people talk bad about the VA, but they have helped me and my family tremendously. So everyone other than my 4 year old is seeing a counselor. The girls were required to see a counselor after their suicidal ideations and continue to see a counselor once a week. My wife has also started seeing a counselor to deal with her own stuff.
I'm not going to totally
I'm not going to totally disagree with you. My wife isn't the greatest mother with her two girls and a lot of it was because the bio dad essentially robbed her of any control she may have had. He has openly told the girls as far back as when they were 6 that they didn't have to listen to their mother. That's right around the same time that everything went down hill in their marriage. He did that continually up until after the younger one left him and the girls no longer threatened to move in with their dad. So my wife has been stripped of any control she may have had with them. With our son and a supportive husband she is doing better. Still won't say she is a good mom, but I do believe that the influence of her daughters were out of the house, she could become a good mom.
A just a little update. We
A just a little update. We have called numerous times and had the girls admitted to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. The girls got tired of it and have now adapted to not explicitly state that they want to kill themselves because they know that if they don't say it out right the hospital won't take them. Both girls have been admitted twice for suicidal threats. We do take it seriously, but like I said it's gotten to the point that those words have lost all meaning for me because it's just a way of controlling their mother.
Manipulations are common from
Manipulations are common from people who feel entitled about something - and when you call them out for doing something wrong, here comes their bag of tricks.
I've mentioned it elsewhere on the site, but my newest favorite book is called The Entitlement Cure. Look for the author's ~~40-m video on YouTube and see if it resounds. It did with me! The book gives some great ideas on how to reach out to them without getting their hackles up, so you can tell them what hey need to hear. I've been using it on some entitled people in my life (at home, at work, as a manager with employees in other states, everywhere), and it's super-effective! So far, their bags of tricks are neutralized and these folks have all been actually hearing me out (and agreeing!).
I'm pasting the video here
I'm pasting the video here so that I can watch it later. At work right now https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWg-CyOpjos
you got this brother.
I am army veteran with ptsd. I am also in an unbearable stepchildren situation. tho different, the anguish speaks to you.
first, you are not alone. the triggering this must cause you is unbearable. like a balance beam on a teeter totter while bearing 50 lb ruck, flack vest, weapons and a couple buddies hanging on to as well. I wish for you to hold on to your children above all else.
know that anxiety is two things... Fear of something, someplace, someone, or some event. and lack of preparation of emotions, of surroundings, even the lack of preparation from others. is it possible to see the anxiety and what their fears and lack of preparation lies? this may help you to prepare thereby releasing some fears. numbing to trauma... as you know... is a normal stress response. suicide... it's dammed traumatic to each of us every time we lose another buddy... and every time we turn on ourselves. I can feel your numbing too. and I em0athize deeply with it.
the army taught us some things. for some reason, many of us... like me for over a decade... somehow think that these learn traits in us cannot be used so well at home... only good for the fight. to endure and survive. how do we overcome the fear? fear of losing another loved one... fear of another failed marriage... fear of messing up our kids... fear of the shittiversaries and what it all brings up together in an entagled mess I know I feel unprepared for every day.
but... we gotthis, brother. secure your gear, secure your people. make sure you got your buddy's (partner) 6.... identify and understand the weaknesses and strengths of all in this battle with you... on both sides. plan for the plants change.. but plan anyways and adapt and overcome. ... these things and many more I continuously battle the self to uphold, but when I do uphold them and follow through, the shitstorm hits me hard pretty good all the way through to that silver lining... but I make it to that lining... sometimes... with others (my two boys) hanging on for dear life... and sometimes with em holding me up through it.
anyways... feeling the struggle in mine own. and feeling the struggle of yours as well. listen to the trained part of you... not the action part or the do part. but like that old school Top trained part of you. either you were like that leader... or you were led by him... but you know him.
I have 2 sons. 25 and 20. the 20 yr old is aspergers. they were abandoned by their biological fathers and their adoptive father. I am currently married to a former army nurse offi er. he has 4 boys. 17. 15. 12. 8. the 12 and 8 yr olds are onthe spectrum as weel... brilliant. that we get part time. the ex wife is very very angry at my husband. she is a former army officer as well. . uses her children as weapons... targets me and my children... falsely accusing both husband and I of abuse, disrespecting her children and all sorts of cray cray. meanwhile. the boys... the younger two have hit me, kicked, spit, thrown food, told me to leave, say I have no authority, and deserve no respect. they have ruined valuable things of mine... my son's childhood clay animals, my grandmother's tatting... and not a single day they are here and I am here am I not yelled at or told that I am bad in some way. I am not allowed to parent or discipline... by aggreeance of both parents... so I hold em to it.
I could go on and on about the things that work and don't work for me. but I just thought you should know... you are not alone brother. I'm in a different battle... but feel like the same war. and I don't wanna battle or war no more. weird how you gotta battle or war to ... not battle or war???
not alone. and you got this. somehow... in some way.