My Fiance's Ex!! HELP!!
So my fiance and his ex had a terrible relationship, and it was a lot to do on his part. He is now on a good note with her and she is bringing his daughter up to see us for the 1st time in 4 yrs. The problem I am facing is that when he and i dated at 16 he ended up leaing me for her. I know i need to get over this fear, but i dont know how. And to make matters worse he said they needed to have a private conversation and both needed to get that closer. What closer, she has a new boyfriend and has had for 3 years, and so does he. He said he cannot state to me some of the things they talked about because he's scared it will hurt me. Well im already hurt!! I feel like he s the one who needed closer the most, and I want to know how they achieved that closer was it " i love you and never meant to hurt you in the past" closer or what. Some1 please help!!!
Ummm... At first I was going
Ummm...
At first I was going to say that things that happened in your teens really shouldn't factor into adulthood.
However, it sounds like it's still an issue in adulthood. What gives? He's scared that what they discussed will HURT you??
the way I look at it is if
the way I look at it is if you plan on being married to him then you are a pair. there should be no secretes and no private meetings. Also I would personally put my foot down. there needs to be a court order in place and they both need to follow it to the letter. the only conversations they should have should be about their child and nothing personal. If he doesn't understand this then you are in a road for heart ache and disappointment. I have read many stories on here and I was living with a situation similar until I cracked. I couldn't live with a man and "share him" with his ex. I gave my FDH an ultimatum. my or his ex. He made the choice to stand by me and he changed his ways.
I told him I thought that I
I told him I thought that I would be closer enough for him and Her spouse should be closer enough for her. I just dont get what had to be so private, what is going to hurt me. If he said something that would hurt me then it probably should have been said, or am i wrong?
Secrets is a real bad thing.
Secrets is a real bad thing. You should never go into a realtionship with secrets , keep secrets, make the person wonder about you.
If he can't come straight out with it!
I be second guessing him.
That kind of attitude would drive me nuts.
Secrets is a real bad thing.
Secrets is a real bad thing. You should never go into a realtionship with secrets , keep secrets, make the person wonder about you.
If he can't come straight out with it!
I be second guessing him.
That kind of attitude would drive me nuts.
This whole thing between him
This whole thing between him and her is driving me insane!!!!! He thinks it doesnt really have anything to do with me because what they needed to appologize for or wahtever was from theyre prior rel. which i was not a part of.
This is a RED FLAG in my
This is a RED FLAG in my book...
I would not agree to this nor would
I want to be in a place where this is
happening..
I Feel like I can't fully
I Feel like I can't fully express how I feel sometimes because it may stop or jepordize his rel. with his daughter. But at the same time I hate feeling this way, I should not have to wonder what their conversations are about. It raises suspicions for me. I Think he is scared to tell me because I get emotional easily anyways, But i feel like i still deserve to know. I have to fix this problem because I am about ready to give up.
Run!!!!!! Away!!!!!!
Run!!!!!! Away!!!!!! Fast!!!!!!
He's a creep. He's not being honest. And he's using this "relationship" with the mom as an excuse for being a jackass. There is nothing they could have said behind your back that would hurt you unless it would be "talking about old times".
Get out while you can. Don't be a fool.
Like others wiser than me
Like others wiser than me have commented numerous times, "If a person shows you their true colors, believe them."
I appreciate you want to
I appreciate you want to facilitate a good relationship between sd and your fiancee, however are these private conversations involving sd?!
Your OH's behaviour and actions regarding his ex are nothing to do with his relationship with sd, because if it was he would be stating he wants to get closer to his daughter NOT his ex. This has everything to do with his inappropriate boundaries with his ex and his emotional involvement with her. There is a thing called emotional adultery, that is what your OH is doing with his ex.
Take sd out of the equation and apply what you have said to us as something you friend told you was happening with their partner. What would be your reaction? THAT is the correct assumption.
The fact you are posting about this tells me you are aware this is wrong, you feel guilt for being suspicious because you are using his daughter as a good reason to excuse OH's treatment of you.
Speaking in private to an ex, keeping things from you, and telling you he wants to get closer to his ex is NOT something a committed loving, respectful partner does to someone they love, they want to marry.
When you are dating, that is when you assess the suitability of that person for you, your happiness. This is a MASSIVE red flag. This man cheated on you while you were kids, he was wrong to cheat on you ...fact. He then proceeded to get back with you, and as a result is having to address the situation he caused while a foolish youngster. THAT is something you can get over, but hes making ME suspicious and things will not get better because your OH thinks what he is doing is fine. In fact you will be more trapped when you marry him and in my experience the situation will detriorate.
Are you prepared to live your life as it is now? If you stay I think thats what you will be accepting. Perhaps you would be better to make a stand now and give him an ultimatum. You or BM. His choice, he cant have both, he cant have private chats with you and BM, he cant be inappropriate with his ex and he has to go to counselling with you because your OH needs therapy if he thinks he is acting like healthy partner/husband material for anyone!
Run sweetie RUN!!! This is
Run sweetie RUN!!!
This is the second relationship I have had with SKids and in my first relationship XDH would tell me all the time they needed their private conversations. Pshh - turns out they were still sleeping with each other and texting all the time! An emotional cheater is still a cheater - RUN!!