Looking for step-family advice: not venting
I have been reading this site for awhile, and it has given me some good perspectives. I remarried two years ago, and have three kids who I have half custody of (11, 9, 8 ). My wife and I have been a family for over 5 years, so she knows the kids well, and loves them. Let me just say that my wife is amazing, and I love her so much. We are a great match.
The problems I am having surround the relationship between my ex and my wife. They HATE each other. I know this is kind of normal, but it is really challenging for the family. I learned a long time ago that no matter what the issue is, I will always take my wife's side - her brother, who went through a similar experience, taught me that. There were a couple of times that I did not do that early on, and it caused a lot of problems, and I learned a lot. What I find hard is that in my opinion, my wife is not always right, and sometimes she is kind of mean, when it seems unnecessary. She calls my ex names, not to her face, but definitely in front of other people (fatty, t-rex, stone face, and a couple more too rude to publish). I know she is frustrated with dealing with this woman, but I think it reflects negatively back on her, and on everyone, but I won't challenge her on it. I am in my wife's corner, but giving even an inch to my ex would be like treason.
A bit of name calling is no big deal, considering all the other things that could be happening. But there are other things too. My wife likes to blame me a lot. I am not perfect, but I think I am doing well, and I am pretty understanding. Everything seems to be my fault relating to the kids and my ex. Three years can go by, and when we have a fight, she will bring back things about how I took my ex's side, when all I was doing was trying to be reasonable, as if I did it yesterday. My wife promises things to the kids, but then has other priorities. Like, she will skip my daughter's piano recital saying she's tired, and I wonder if it's because my ex will be there on the other side of the hall. I give my wife a lot of room on these things, but I am really afraid that it's going to cause alienation with me, and with the kids. Suggestions?
Talk it out and communicate, communicate, communicate.
Franklin,
First, welcome to the community. I hope you find it to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice.
Okay, now for my thoughts on your post.
Your wife has as much responsibility to be reasonable and supportive of you as you do to support her in your Blended Family situation.
Though it will no doubt be difficult I would suggest that you schedule a 1:1 with your Wife to discuss her putting you in a no win situation as far a maintaining a healthy relationship with your kids and as tension free interface as possible with you XW. Let her know what the topics of discussion and agenda will be ahead of time so that she does not feel blind sided.
I can aboslutely understand how your Wife and your XW could hate each other.
I absolutely detest my Son's (SS) BioDad and SpermGrandMa. However, I have always made it a priority to protect SS's best interests, back my Wife in the on going adventure of dealing with THEIR toxic crap, and to never speak ill of THEM when my SS is present.
That said, my Wife has on a few occasions in our nearly 15yr marriage had to sit me down and let me know that my pure loathing of THEM is not helpful to her and has asked me to cool it occasionally. She has no more use or respect for them than I do. But ....... she needs me to be supportive of her. And sometimes that support means that she needs me to give her my support in the way that is most useful to her and not the way I necessarily want to be supportive.
I think that it is perfectly reasonable for you to sit your Wife down just as my Wife has sat me down for this talk. I have grumbled a bit when my wife sits me down for the smack Rags in the back of the head talk on how I can best support her, but ...... when she has I have done my best to support her the way she needs me to ..... at least for a while.
But, make sure you have your flack jacket and helmet on when you sit down for the talk. It is likely to be a hot discussion.
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
All I can say is
All I can say is, Rags is a wise man. Heed him.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Going to Events
You talked about going to "Events with BM - I wouldn't even expect your wife to attend. If she is uncomfortable it is going to cause everyone to be uncomfortable. I attend the 1 or 2 school progams a year. This is the only time I am forced to see BM." I think all loving parents step or biological should go to children's events. When I go to the step kid events I am there for the children and their father. I can be pleasant to the BM. By doing this I show everyone that her lies are just that lies. I have been doing this for 5 years now. It is not easy. I have a girlfriend who lets me come over to her house and let it all out, then I am better. What is important in all of this insanity is your heart. Never give someone the power over you to make your heart ugly.
Who is the audience.
Who is she saying all this in front of? Just you? Forget it. In front of other adults like friends or relatives. Ditto.
As long as the children don't get wind of it I'd leave it alone.
So you get the blame for everything? Or at least too much. I've learned that you've got to put in 60% to make a marriage work well. And you've got to bear 60% of the problems or blame if you wish.
Why? Because if you ask her she'll claim the same percentage. Its all a matter of perspective.
And like Rags said above. Sit down and communicate your concerns to her. Make it clear you're on her side and just sincerely have fears about how you feel.
Don't expect miracles.
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
Being an adult
I was the "mom" to my husbands two daughters(ages 7 & 10) when we got married. The girls' mom was around but not always available. The girls lived with us. Kids are innocent victims of their parents failed marriage. I always had to remind myself that when I felt anger, jealousy, or resentment toward the girls or their mom. They love their mom, as they should. But any kind of negative feelings that I harbored towards their mom would have hurt their relationship with me, and, would have caused more problems for them growing up to be healthy young women. Sure, it's difficult. But I was the adult. I chose to marry a man with children. Therefore, I had to be the best "mom" to them I could. That meant putting my own feelings aside and thinking about them. I encourage any step-parent to remember that you are the adult parent, act like it and be the best you can be to raise great kids.
Both our girls got married last year and want to start families soon. I have a great relationship with both of them, a great relationship with their mom and her family, a 17 year marriage to their father, and an additional two more kids with their dad.
Tell your wife to start focusing on the positive things in your relationship. She should love your kids because their yours. Then she will love them just because. And she will deal with her feelings towards your ex because she loves you and the kids.