This isn't the relationship I want!
I came across this site by searching “I feel no love for my child”. This isn’t what I want; I just don’t know what to do to change it. Since all of our situations are unique to us, let me share some of the key points.
-I do not have my own children and I have very little experience with children. I did at one point want my own children, especially a daughter, but my current partner does not desire additional children and I now have medical concerns that make pregnancy something that would need to be approached with extreme caution. At this point I/we have no plans for additional children. My step-son will be my only child.
-I have a wonderful relationship with my partner. We have known each other nearly our entire adult lives and remained close friends despite distance between us. We are both divorced and have no desire to marry. We do refer to one another as husband as wife. I am able to be quite honest with my partner regarding my frustrations with his son, but I often suspect that he doesn’t take them very seriously. I think that it is difficult for him to comprehend how I feel.
-The biological mother is not very present in our lives. She left my partner and his son when the child was only two months old. She was an active duty service member until very recently and she has lived and continues to live very far from us, although her parents live very near to us. The biological mother has, in the past two years, seen her child in person only once for a week at her parents’ home. She does not call and she has stopped sending cards or gifts. My step-son is very adamant that he has this unconditional love for his biological mother, but I fear that his lack of a maternal bond has and will continue to affect him deeply. He is overly trusting of everyone, strangers included, and he is very clingy with every adult he knows.
-My step-son recently turned 10 and he has been diagnosed with ADHD. On his last standardized test he scored far above average in all areas. However, he is very irresponsible, very immature, and almost just incorrigible. He never appears to have any malicious intent, but his behavior is deplorable and no amount of discipline seems to be effective. He is often in trouble at school for stealing from other children, hitting or biting other children, or for throwing extreme tantrums that seem very inappropriate for child his age. I know I certainly didn’t behave this way at his age. I am so disheartened and bitter over the fact that my relationship with my only child seems to be nothing but a serious of punishments with no end in sight.
-Prior to my entry into his family, my step-son had a drastically different family dynamic. As his biological mother did not desire even joint custody, full custody was given to his father. His father worked nights, attended school during the day, and did not maintain a permanent residence for some time. So until about 5 years old my step-son lived with his father in his grandfather’s home. From 5 years to seven years he lived in his grandmother’s home while his father did not maintain a residence. The attention and discipline my step-son received while living with his grandmother was very minimal. She preferred to have him occupied by television or video games and she established no rules, boundaries, or responsibilities for him.
-Since my arrival in the family my step-son has lived with a traditional family model for the first time in his life. He was given the option of calling me “mom” and he has chosen to do so. He says that he loves me very often and he shows great affection for me. His father is careful not to undermine me as a parental figure. I actually do the majority of the parenting as my partner works nights and quite a bit of mandatory overtime. He is steadily advancing in his career and it is very important to him and to the entire family. Due to the aforementioned medical concerns I recently discovered, I have left full-time employment and am now a stay at home mother.
-Here’s my dilemma. My step-son is and forever will be my one and only child. I want very much to be a mother to this boy and believe that he needs a mother’s presence in his life very badly. But I did not carry this child, I did not care for him as an infant, I did not experience his early milestones. I feel like I did not develop a maternal bond with him and that is something that I cannot artificially create. I have deep concern and empathy for my step-son on an intellectual level, but I feel no emotional connection to him at all. More often than not he simply gets under my skin. My blood pressure skyrockets when I hear him whine or argue, or when I read the teacher’s report of his unacceptable behavior. How can I bond with this child so that I can be a mother and help him through all of this?
This has become very long. If you read it, thank you so much for your patience and willingness to hear my story.
put him in therapy and on
put him in therapy and on meds. That should take the edge off his annoying behavior and he will act better at school. If you don't believe in putting children on meds then therapy and alots of exercise(burning off excess energy) will help him.
Sucks you have to go through this,hope things get better for but if they don't aleast you have this site to vent out your problems.
My SS is on meds for the
My SS is on meds for the ADHD. Therapy isn't easy. He's still under his BM military healthcare, but in our rural little backwoods community no one accepts it. The best we got is an emotional support teacher at his school.
Accept you are not his mother
Accept you are not his mother and nothing will ever MAKE you his mother. There is nothing wrong with this at all. No one can make you love a child.
And if you do this alone he may become bearable.
This boy has had an awful lot of insecurity in his life. He adores a mother who up until recently was his hero. We are taught to see serving military as our heros. HIS 'hero' is also his mother who is not at all maternal in the least.
So I can see how you think you need to step into this role. However being a mother is more than giving birth and loving a boy. It is being an advocate and a guide and a good example. I 'love' my s/sons differently to the way I love my own sones. They are more like favourite nephews. And there is nothing worng with this.
However being a mother is
However being a mother is more than giving birth and loving a boy. It is being an advocate and a guide and a good example.
I love this.
Man that really sucks!!!!
Man that really sucks!!!! Sometimes local hospitals have mental health clinics inside..I'm sure you've tried everything already. I feel really bad you've been put in this situation. Maybe you could just send him out to play so he wont be in your hair..Let him do stuff that you wouldn't normally do (getting muddy, climbing on things) If kids aren't getting dirty or being distructive then they get so bored outside.. Or feed him large amounts of carbs so he gets sleepy and passes out..lol I know you really want a relationship with him though, I have 3 bio daughters and the thing that differs between them and my SS is that I can forgive them instantly for whatever they do no matter how bad. I have to constantly remind my self that if one of them had done it then I would forgive so I need to be fair and forgive him too.. But DAMN is it hard.
Hello, I just read your post.
Hello, I just read your post. It is very well writen. I have to ask how long you have been the mother figure to this child?? I ask because you are so patient and your intentions still so good. That is admirable,especially with a boy with ADHD. I used to have good intentions, very very long ago. I used to try to engage the skid, and do thoughtful stimulating things with and for him. I used to imagine making up for the loser that is his biological mother, who's only concern is how she is going to get rid of him on her weekend so she can have fun with her boyfriend. I have to laugh when I think of that first year, when I spent hours on the internet searching for age appropriate educational gifts for boys. That was a LOOOOONNNNNGGG time ago. Now I can't stand him, am totally disengaged, don't even go home when he is there, and count the days until he goes to college (2050 days left!). Sounds horrible doesn't it? You will read a lot of stories like mine if you spend time on this site. The reality is, at the bottom of my feelings and actions is a simple fact, like you, I cannot bond with a child that isn't mine. Of course the obnoxious BM who constantly intrudes in our life and schedule doesn't help, and the Disney dad who never considers my needs or feelings as SM doesn't help either, but ultimately, the problem is simple. There is no bond. There will never be one, and this is a very unnatural and uncomforable sitation. As a rational human being, you can try to rise above nature, and ignore your basic feelings, and you seem to be doing your best and trying your hardest. I can only say that your feelings are yours, and you cannot help that, and you cannot force a bond, and you cannot make yourself like (and certainly not love) someone else. I think whatever road you chose or how much progress you can make with this boy, the most important thing is that you be kind to yourself. Do not end up thinking you are a bad person because you cannot force feelings. If you need to disengage to save your sanity at some point, don't consider yourself a failure. I have been down the whole path, from idealist to realist, and I have lost a lot along the way. Part of that was self respect. We are in a very unnatural situation. Remember that and do your best. Your blood pressure that is skyrocketing is yourself talking to you. It will talk louder and louder until you listen. Above all, take care of yourself. You will have support here on this site.
Sadly, I too think that skid my be the only child I will have in this lifetime, and that idea makes my cry. My only consolation is that I may be able to meet his children, my stepgrandchildren, as babies, and have some sort of meaningful bond with him. Who knows.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your comment, forever2. Perhaps you're right, what we attempt to do as step-parents is unnatural and defies our biology. I am hard on myself. But I also grew up with an absent mother, and I suffered greatly. I want to be this boy's mother and spare him the pain and devestation that's waiting for him when he is old enough to see his bio-mom objectivly. But perhaps it is very unnatural to raise another woman's child. I wonder if adoptive parents ever deal with this delima? I will try to go easier on myself, maybe come to see myself as an advocate and champion for this boy, despite the fact that I will never be his actual mother.