having major issues with SKid
not sure where to start. Like many of you I have a blended family (me one kid (d5), DH has one kid (ss 9)), been married 3 years now. his ex is of course crazy and cant get her life together, has tons of boyfriends all the time sleeping over, etc. the whole nine yards. We have done pretty well the last year or so with the visits and our kids have done well together and things have been sorta mostly ok.
last week, during a week long visit from SS (usually hes just EOW, except summer), i caught him and my daughter in his room and in his bed and his pants and underwear were down!! he showed her his thing and my daughter said he laid on her and pulled her pants down. she thought it was just a game and played along. obviously this is a serious issue and i talked to my ex about it and we decided to switch weekends for a while so the kids would have separation and insist on therapy for SS. SSs mom (and DH!) agrees this is serious too and takes him to the doctor to get the process of a therapy referal started. we found out later that at the doctor, SS told the dr that he was scared to come to our house and that i was mean and said horrible things to him all the time. completely untrue. i dont coddle or entertain him and yes he gets yelled at, same as my daughter does but im definitely not "mean" to him and i would NEVER say horrible things. hes obviously just trying to deflect attention from what he did onto someone else. typical for him really, hes done this type of lying plenty of times before.
so, the mother believed ss at first and was going to deny visitation, but through talking to my DH, she realized he was probably lying (cuz he had said some questionable things about HER boyfriend too, she claims is not true). SS is starting therapy this friday, and DH will be there. they're hoping if theyre both there, he cant lie.
I dont know how to move forward. being around SS is going to be difficult for me. how can i trust him? do I do a "fresh start" and just try? do i just ignore him and do my own thing? do I say something to him about lying about me? for now, my daughter wont be around him (obviously!!!) until he's progressing in therapy so thats at least one thing I dont have to worry about right now. anyone been in a similar situation?
She's right, they remember,
She's right, they remember, and anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong. A niece of mine was 4 when something similar happened - 12 years later, she remembers quite vividly.
yes Im not against therapy
yes Im not against therapy for her necessarily but I am not sure if it would solidify it more in her mind than necessary. I need to discuss that more with her father.
Reading your post blew my
Reading your post blew my mind. I had a very similar situation happen in my house with SD9 and BS5 about a year and a half ago.I freaking lost my mind over it.I told DH that if he didn't put her in therapy immediately I was leaving. Well she went to therapy and it basically came down to the fact that the therapist believes it was something she was exposed to when she lived with her mom. She also went into therapy complaining about me and saying I'm mean to her. I agree that's it's them deflecting the problem onto someone else and us stepparents are the easy target. I completely altered our house rules in that they don't spend two second unsupervised anymore. They don't even brush teeth together anymore. I feel bad for her because I know it's something someone else exposed her to but at the same time it took me a long time to forgive her for it. I still don't trust her and I don't think I ever will. It's a terribly hard situation and I feel for you. One day it will get better but in the mean time be hypervigilant about protecting your child even if it's from another child.