I understand that this is "StepTalk" but this is the only forum that I could find that seemed to fit our current issues. I apologize in advance if it isn't appropriate for the board.
To make a long story short, my girlfriend is wavering on whether or not we can be together long term. It has gotten to the point where she'll temporarily break up, we'll talk again, and repeat this process over the past week. As of right now, we are 'off' again.
She has two young children (3 and 4.5) and I have three children that are several years older (one of whom is autistic). She constantly fixates on the fact that we have five kids altogether and that my oldest has a disability. She doesn't feel that she can handle five kids, due to the fact that her kids sometimes act out (especially her youngest) when everyone is together in a smaller place. She grew up in a family of five kids and had a lot of negative experiences. Under a month ago, she was wanting to move in together to see if these fears she has about so many kids were just in her head or something she could make work.
Her kids are used to getting their way by crying and complaining. She has worked on that lately but it is an issue that she has. If her kids do not have all of the attention, they will often act out and she feels that this is a sign that we shouldn't be together. This is true more of her son, who I suspect might have behavioral issues (and bringing this up really angers her). Of course, I only bring this up to try to help, as I was initially in denial with my oldest about his disability. I think that she's tried to indulge them since she left their abusive father. Don't get me wrong: Often all of hte kids are happy and getting along really well too.
She gets stressed out fairly easily and cannot stop thinking about things that bother her. She quit smoking a couple months ago and hasn't slept well since. She is very sleep deprived. Of course, I supported her fully in quitting smoking but it has actually made things worse in terms of our relationship. She used smoking to cope with stress and now she doesn't have that coping mechanism. When I've suggested potentially seeing a therapist, she gets upset. I probably am completely incompetent in how I approach things but I try.
In terms of our relationship, she has told me that if it were just the two of us, she would marry me right now. When we aren't dealing with other issues, we always have a great time together and enjoy our time. I try to point out that, over the long run, it will be the two of us but she can't get over the kid thing. She is a 'perfectionist' and has told me repeatedly that she is not good enough for me or the kids. We deserve better. The thing is that my kids actually really like her. She has always said that she felt that I was too good to be true but I've never changed.
Honestly, I'm willing to do whatever I can to make things work. I treat both her and her kids really well. She says that I've been the only father figure they've ever truly had. She says that she has never loved anyone like me and it kills her that she can't be a better person that I need her to be for both myself and my kids. I like to think that I can figure things out but I am at a loss here. I don't know what I can or should do at this point. Is there anything that can be done or am I in a hopeless situation? I didn't know if there would be books to read, things to do, or others to talk to.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Why not just keep things the way they are then? Why the push to move in together and blend the families?
What I can tell you from research and experience is that whatever tensions and conflicts you have NOW will be magnified greatly once you move in together.
If her youngest is three the "eventually" that puts the two of you together and alone is *15* years!! That is a LONG time to ask someone to put up with discomfort for the promise of what might be a great relationship eventually (assuming resentment, etc hasn't chipped it to bits by then).
The ONLY way this relationship will work is if you can accept her as she is and that includes allowing her to parent her way. Her way is different than yours and may or may not be the best for her kids, but she has to have the freedom to make her own mistakes.
If you cannot do that and are hell bent on saving her and fixing her parenting, etc. then just say good-bye now and find a woman whose parenting style matches your own.
For step-parenting to work- especially with so many kids and with different parenting styles, each parent has to keep the responsibilities of taking care of their own kids and each parent has to been given the respect to raise their own kids.
If you are looking for a mom for your kids or are looking to fix her it will not work.
The best way for all 7 people involved is for you two to maintain separate homes and continue to date each other when you can. Don't move in with her even if she wants to.
I respect your GF for her honesty. People have limitations. If she doesn't feel she can parent five children, listen to her. Her message may be inconsistent because she is really considering what reality will be like, not the fairy tale that a lot of people convince themselves exists. Yes, eventually it will be just the two of you but not for a long time. You can't live in the future, you have to live in today.
Honestly, I think she gave you the answer more than once.
She can't handle the 5 kids, and while I think she's pretety much made up her mind, I think she's selfishly hanging on.
Either way she's going to be unhappy. She can stay with you and be miserable but have someone to depend on, or she can face the unknown by leaving you and attempting to start over. Unfortunately, it looks to me like she's staying just out of fear of the unknown. This isn't a healthy situation for you or the kids. I'd suggest counseling, but beyond that, it may be time to cut your losses.
I understand that this is
I understand that this is "StepTalk" but this is the only forum that I could find that seemed to fit our current issues. I apologize in advance if it isn't appropriate for the board.
To make a long story short, my girlfriend is wavering on whether or not we can be together long term. It has gotten to the point where she'll temporarily break up, we'll talk again, and repeat this process over the past week. As of right now, we are 'off' again.
She has two young children (3 and 4.5) and I have three children that are several years older (one of whom is autistic). She constantly fixates on the fact that we have five kids altogether and that my oldest has a disability. She doesn't feel that she can handle five kids, due to the fact that her kids sometimes act out (especially her youngest) when everyone is together in a smaller place. She grew up in a family of five kids and had a lot of negative experiences. Under a month ago, she was wanting to move in together to see if these fears she has about so many kids were just in her head or something she could make work.
Her kids are used to getting their way by crying and complaining. She has worked on that lately but it is an issue that she has. If her kids do not have all of the attention, they will often act out and she feels that this is a sign that we shouldn't be together. This is true more of her son, who I suspect might have behavioral issues (and bringing this up really angers her). Of course, I only bring this up to try to help, as I was initially in denial with my oldest about his disability. I think that she's tried to indulge them since she left their abusive father. Don't get me wrong: Often all of hte kids are happy and getting along really well too.
She gets stressed out fairly easily and cannot stop thinking about things that bother her. She quit smoking a couple months ago and hasn't slept well since. She is very sleep deprived. Of course, I supported her fully in quitting smoking but it has actually made things worse in terms of our relationship. She used smoking to cope with stress and now she doesn't have that coping mechanism. When I've suggested potentially seeing a therapist, she gets upset. I probably am completely incompetent in how I approach things but I try.
In terms of our relationship, she has told me that if it were just the two of us, she would marry me right now. When we aren't dealing with other issues, we always have a great time together and enjoy our time. I try to point out that, over the long run, it will be the two of us but she can't get over the kid thing. She is a 'perfectionist' and has told me repeatedly that she is not good enough for me or the kids. We deserve better. The thing is that my kids actually really like her. She has always said that she felt that I was too good to be true but I've never changed.
Honestly, I'm willing to do whatever I can to make things work. I treat both her and her kids really well. She says that I've been the only father figure they've ever truly had. She says that she has never loved anyone like me and it kills her that she can't be a better person that I need her to be for both myself and my kids. I like to think that I can figure things out but I am at a loss here. I don't know what I can or should do at this point. Is there anything that can be done or am I in a hopeless situation? I didn't know if there would be books to read, things to do, or others to talk to.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Why not just keep things the
Why not just keep things the way they are then? Why the push to move in together and blend the families?
What I can tell you from research and experience is that whatever tensions and conflicts you have NOW will be magnified greatly once you move in together.
If her youngest is three the "eventually" that puts the two of you together and alone is *15* years!! That is a LONG time to ask someone to put up with discomfort for the promise of what might be a great relationship eventually (assuming resentment, etc hasn't chipped it to bits by then).
The ONLY way this relationship will work is if you can accept her as she is and that includes allowing her to parent her way. Her way is different than yours and may or may not be the best for her kids, but she has to have the freedom to make her own mistakes.
If you cannot do that and are hell bent on saving her and fixing her parenting, etc. then just say good-bye now and find a woman whose parenting style matches your own.
For step-parenting to work- especially with so many kids and with different parenting styles, each parent has to keep the responsibilities of taking care of their own kids and each parent has to been given the respect to raise their own kids.
If you are looking for a mom for your kids or are looking to fix her it will not work.
Listen to what she is telling
Listen to what she is telling you. She's being honest. She can't/ doesn't want to deal with five children.
The best way for all 7 people
The best way for all 7 people involved is for you two to maintain separate homes and continue to date each other when you can. Don't move in with her even if she wants to.
Get a vasectomy. It's easy and 100%.
I respect your GF for her
I respect your GF for her honesty. People have limitations. If she doesn't feel she can parent five children, listen to her. Her message may be inconsistent because she is really considering what reality will be like, not the fairy tale that a lot of people convince themselves exists. Yes, eventually it will be just the two of you but not for a long time. You can't live in the future, you have to live in today.
Honestly, I think she gave
Honestly, I think she gave you the answer more than once.
She can't handle the 5 kids, and while I think she's pretety much made up her mind, I think she's selfishly hanging on.
Either way she's going to be unhappy. She can stay with you and be miserable but have someone to depend on, or she can face the unknown by leaving you and attempting to start over. Unfortunately, it looks to me like she's staying just out of fear of the unknown. This isn't a healthy situation for you or the kids. I'd suggest counseling, but beyond that, it may be time to cut your losses.