Getting more protective of my own imperfect kiddos in blended family! Ugh...
Great forum. Needed this BEFORE I got married. Ha Ha.
Recently married to wonderful woman who adopted two children. Boy, 10-ish, girl 4-ish. I have biological kiddos of my own. Boy, 9-ish, girl 6-ish.
Step daughter is a cutie, but a handful for now. I contribute that to her age and "going through a phase." BUT SS is something else. Unfortunately for him, he was not placed in the most positive circumstances over the years. He is likely AD(H)D and certainly impulsive to a point. It would be easy for me or anyone else (or especially my wife) to use the before-mentioned as the reasons for his behavior, but I have been observing his behavior VERY carefully over the months and have concluded....NOT. He has tendencies and characteristics that are clearly manipulative and in some ways, borderline abusive.
Let me start by saying that I am a stern father. I do not hit, but am very firm. With that, I am also a very affectionate father. So, there is a balance (I would like to think). My SS has never had anyone discipline him consistently. He is a know-it-all (typically wrong), constantly takes away from other children's learning opportunities by interrupting, answering other's questions, is a wedge between my biological daughter and son, and plays good big brother to his 4-yr old sister when it "suits" him or when mom is around.
He currently seems to have an emotional hold on my 6-yr old daughter and can be verbally abusive especially when he thinks no one else is around to hear. I have tried to get my daughter to be more forceful and independent and it has worked to some extant, but the 10-yr old knows how to both play to her tune and push her buttons. I have recently decided to take a more active role in controlling this. My 9-yr old is often left out, but thank goodness, he's also much more independent. The 10-yr old DOES NOT TRY TO MANIPULATE my 9-yr old b/c the 9-yr old is not afraid to flat out tell him NO, BACK OFF, YOU'RE WRONG, etc. So, the 10-yr old, needless to say, makes less effort trying to be 'buddies' with him. BTW, these behaviors from the 10-yr old were present prior to our newly formed family.
My wife is not as convinced that there is a problem, but she is also not as observant of the dynamics between the kids. I have tried speaking to her and she simply tells me to take the lead in disciplining the kids. Well, that is what I am doing.
Boy, I'm really trying to get closer to the 10-yr old, but it's tough. HE IS CLEARLY aware of his antics. I feel like a referee at times, but more and more often a policeman when it comes to the 10-yr old. Oh, well just wanted to say 'hi' and vent a little.
Good luck all!
Hi Cat, I agree. My kids can
Hi Cat,
I agree. My kids can be manipulative, but they are less "skilled" in the art than the 10-yr old. There is maliciousness on the part of the 10-yr at times and I've caught him on MANY occasions provoking the other children. There have been numerous times where I have had to call him on behaviors in front of his mother. Something I used to not do until a few weeks back when it was clear he was "re-shaping" circumstances to placate his mother. She usually bought into it.
His relationship with my 6-yr old is, on balance, not healthy. My wife thinks the 10-yr old and 6-yr old are "buddies." Not. The older child spends his time with the girl b/c he is less frequently challenged by her. Constant verbal bickering, rudeness, condescension, and emotional manipulation. He also alienates the 9-yr old unless there's something he wants from him. Again, the 9-yr old doesn't take his crap and lets him know.
Unfortunately, the boy was in an extremely unhealthy situation AFTER being adopted by his mother. He was subjected to emotional, physical neglect by my now-wife's ex. The boy was made to think that her ex was his "dad" He witnessed frequent verbal/emotional abuse targeted at my wife. The boy was never physically abused. Much of what he is now is the fault of my wife bringing him into her dysfunctional world and not getting him out earlier, but that is then and this is now.
Crimey! How did you two agree to disciplining your children separately? Yes, should be easier if they are older. If we had such an arrangement, I fear that "blending" our family would be even more difficult than it already is.
At this point, counseling is not something we believe is needed. His behavior has improved some since I "stepped" in. Sadly, he responds best when I call him on his behavior. It is immediate and uncompromising. He's never had anyone challenge his behavior so openly.
Thanks. I need all the advice I can get.
You aren't really answering
You aren't really answering the question about the boy's past because I'm not sure you understand the importance of it. When mom adopted him, what kind of situation was he in? BEFORE the abuse by her ex. Was he adopted at birth?
If you have the attitude "that is then and this is now" you will never really get to the heart of the matter. You did not live what the boy lived, so how will you ever understand? It changed who his is. You can't always just discipline that out of somebody. The reason you calling him on it works is because discipline = love. He feels loved when you want to make him do/act right. That said, you do need to get to the heart of it and repair old wounds while you discipline him. That is where some counseling could help.
He was adopted at the age of
He was adopted at the age of 3 or so. No neglect or abuse involved. At least, not in the traditional clinical sense. Healthy for the most part. So, his troubles really began when now mother adopted him and brought him into a world of known dysfunction and chaos.
I have a pretty good idea where much of his behavior stems from. I feel that I need to undo what crap ideas, liberties he's been accustomed to and exposed to. My biological kids find him annoying far too often. Past teachers (including current) find his pushiness a concern. Don't know. Perhaps just wanting some ideas. Counseling may come into play, but, for now, we will try to deal with this at home.
Thanks.
The only way no abuse or
The only way no abuse or neglect occurred is if both parents died in an accident. And if there was no family left who could take him... The fact that you don't know or aren't sure says a lot. Kids don't get adopted out of great situations. And honestly, a lot of parents neglect their babies, even when they keep them and raise them. I see it all the time. Leaving babies in infant seats all day or carrying them around like they are dolls and not even making eye contact with them or talking to them... it's neglect. You've got to go further back. There are things that happen in the brain from birth to age 3 when babies are treated properly. If those synapses aren't connected, you have essentially a damaged brain. You have a different starting point than with a child who was engaged, loved, and well taken care of. It is not an excuse for the boy to misbehave, but a reason for what's going on and a way to help get around those things. Schools have psychologists. They often go back as far as birth if something significant happened during delivery. And obviously you know the adoptive father affected him. I would definitely get everything figured out before puberty because it will only get worse. My son started puberty around age 10...
I hear you. The child seems
I hear you. The child seems to have been in a loving relationship with the biological mother by all accounts. Bio mother gave him up b/c she was unable to take care of him and she was sick. Adopted from overseas. He was very young and doesn't remember his bio mom or circumstances. His world is essentially from the point his adopting mother, my wife, took over. I understand his past circumstances contribute to his behavior and I am aware, as much as I can be, of them. As I have been made aware and observe, he was the center of the world for a few years and his now-mother adopted having little or no knowledge of parenting or what having small children involved. Anyway, my presence has made an enormous difference. Will keep chugging along and getting my wife more involved as she should.
Thanks.