Can you talk to this dad yourself and say, look, no one is trying to replace you or cut you out - but you need to knock off the ABUSE you are giving your own 4 YEAR OLD!! as it is really bad for him to be abused like that by his own parent.

Then if he still does it try to get an attorneys advice if you can.

PAS is a terrible thing and it has ruined my relationship with my SD too so I completely know what you mean, she is 19 though

skee -- most definitely get a declaration from the teacher that states that the SS's bad behavior started back up after visitation resumed with BD, and definitely document everything! I always tell people to keep a journal and keep every email, and document every text sent and received. Is there a guardian ad litem involved? If no, then you might want to get one involved. As far as child support and visitation being connected -- they are unrelated. Just because he pays child support does not mean he gets visitation if he is abusive, and likewise, just because he isn't paying child support does not mean he doesn't get visitation. People think they are connected, but they are not.

It's the BD's behavior and poisoning of SS and SS's behavior that the judge needs to know about, and it is definitely harmful and will damage him in the future if it is not stopped. Most definitely find a counselor who specializes with children because they will be able to get the child to talk about it, plus the counselor would be a good advocate for the child in court as well.

Just my humble opinion.

Skee,

First welcome. I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some good advice from others who are living the blended family dream.

My back story. I am dad to SS-18 and have been since he was 1yo. My wife and I met when SS was 15mos and married a few weeks before he turned 2yo. So, for the last 17+ years we have lived under the shadow of my son's SpermIdiot and SpermClan. Early we struggled with similar issues that you are dealing with. The SpermIdiot manipulations, SpermGrandMa's toothless moron toxic vitriolic crap about me and my wife,associated kid behavioral issues, etc, etc, etc.....

It did not take too long for me to realize that my job as my son's (SS's) dad was to commit every resource I had to protecting his best interests and that getting his SpermIdiot and SpermCLan under control was what I had to commit to. So started a comprehensive campaign and sequence of strategies to beat the SpermClan in to submission. When they did anything other that what I or my wife told them to do when we told them to do it (in compliance with the CO of course at least until we beat them in submission and no longer had to worry much about the CO) we invoked consequences. We dragged them to court, we followed the exact stipulations in the CO to make the entire situation as painful as we possibly could on them. When they were reasonable we were reasonable but when they were not reasonable we kicked their ass. If they were being toothless morons we made it as expensive on them as we could. We would refuse to split the cost of a round trip ticket and force them to buy a one way. A few $hundred extra for plane tickets 3X per year was a huge issue for them and not such a big deal for us. We invoked payroll withholding for CS. We hired a PI firm to document his under the table cash income for plumbing jobs and to get video and photographic evidence of his live in womb of the week and her multiple children and the SpermIdiot forcing my kid to sleep on the floor during visitation, we regularly obtained his arrest, court and property ownership records so we could leverage the information against him when he got stupid and forced our had. We asked my wife's BFF's police chief dad to keep him under the big hairy eyeball to that when he did anything stupid he got arrested then we would use his new arrests in court against him. When the SpermClan would play games with returning our son from visitation on time we would collect him with police escort from SpermClan family gatherings in public places and get him on a plane home ASAP. Public humiliation is an incredible tool to get appropriate behavior out of a toxic blended family opposition. My favorite was when we had the police collect the SKid from a family church event when they failed to put him on a plane on time. When flights would mysteriously get "canceled" we filed emergency court actions to invoke contempt charges for their manipulations.

We never failed to put or son on a plane for SpermClan visitation and we would tolerate no less from them. When they failed we punished.

It took a while but I eventually convinced my wife to file a CS amendment every chance we could. Every two years, upon a major change of circumstance for the SpermIdiot, a change for us, whatever was justifiable under the CO and jurisdictional rules. Continuously increasing the financial burden on the SpermIdiot is critical to getting him under control and keeping him under control.

Your DW has custody and YOU are this young child's full time and REAL dad. So, be his dad and punish his SpermIdiot any time he steps out of line. Keep records of every conversation, every court hearing, telephone call, e-mail, save V-mail recordings......... The FACTS of the SpermIdiots behavior are unequivocal and will be critical in arming your son to deal with his idiot SpermDad in the future.

We did not speak ill of our son's SpermIdiot in front of our son but we shared the facts with him in an age appropriate manner as he got older. He knew when his dip shit SpermClan was manipulating and he called them on it frequently over the years. He still loved them but they had no credibility with him. Now that he is 18 they still don't.

Since your DW is the CP I recommend that you move, now, and far. Force the SpermIdiot in to a long distance visitation scheme. This minimizes the frequency of contact between your son and the dipshit and minimizes the dipshit's influence on your son. It will also give you yet more financial control since most COs require each party to pay for visitation travel to their location.

The advantage of long distance visitation is significant when you are dealing with toxic vitriolic crap from the blended family opposition. In our case rather than dealing with a very frequent EOW/EOWE situation and the associated constant Skid behavioral issues our long distance visitation schedule minimized the toxic influence and associated behavior issues. We dealt consistently with 1-2wks of pre visitation behavioral degradation from our son then 1-2wks of post visitation behavioral detox 3X per year. Our visitation schedule was 5Wks Summer, ~1Wk Winter and 1Wk Spring which IMHO is far easier to manage and control from a toxic influence and kid behavioral perspective than an EOW/EOWE visitation scheme.

As you indicate is the case with your family, we never needed the CS money. It was purely a leverage/control point for us to protect our son's best interests and to leverage control over the SpermIdiot/SpermClan. Also, I made damned sure that my son had equity access to his SpermIdiot's and SpermClan's resources since the dip shit's ever increasing brood of OOWL spawn benefited from the SpermIdiot/SpermClan resources. My son his the oldest of the SpermIdiots 4 OOWL spawn by three different baby mamas. I never wanted him to have to hear that his "dad" did not give a crap enough to support him. He never had to hear it though THEY would bitch incessently about how the CS paid for my son was taking food out of his SpermIdiot half sibs mouths. WE never told our son that the only reason why his SpermClan supported him was because we forced them to. However, they sure bared their own asses on the issue many times over the years.

Also as you indicate is the case for you, I have never denied my son a relationship with his SpermIdiot or SpermClan and have even committed to him that I would always make sure he could have that relationship. I/we have even paid for flights when they were too broke to pay for them. Not often but I have done it.

The point I am trying to make is that you have incredible advantages as the Custodial household and being married to the CP. You can get THEM under control and keep them under control. The key is ZERO tolerance for bullshit from them and invocation of consistent and as immediate and severe consequences as possible. The blended family equivalent of Teddy Roosevelt's "speak softly and carry a bit stick" policies.

They work but only if you commit to them and apply them without exception.

It has always broken my heart that my son has had to deal with the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool and their associated crap. However, he has always known that his mom and I have his back and that we will do everything in our power to minimize the consequences on him of that half of his gene pool.

He graduated from HS in 2010 and graduated from USAF BMT a few weeks ago and is now on to his top secret tech training adventure. He decided to enlist though his mom and would pay for any college he could get in to. But, he wanted to do it his way. For months before he reported I would advise him to call his "Dad" :sick: SpermGrandMa, half sibs, etc..... and tell them what he was going to do. He said "Dad, I will tell them right before I report". The night before we dropped him off at the MEPS center I brought it up again. He responded "Dad, no one has bothered to call me in months and my grandmother nor my dad has called me since you and mom picked me up from my final visitation in August (8mos). They don't need to know what I am doing with my life".

That broke my heart. Why should a kid have to carry that kind of baggage from family? But, in some ways it warmed my heart. We won the war of protecting him from THEM and raising him to become a viable adult. In spite of them.

The SpermIdiot has 4 OOWL kids with three baby mamas and he supports none of them. The SpermGrandParents have always paid his CS for my son. They raise the younger three SpermIdiot spawn in their home with no help from their idiot son. He lives rent free in a home that they own.

We had to control the entire SpermClan to protect our son from them. Sadly but necessarily that meant keeping all of them on the ragged edge of destitution. We tried to be nice but they took that option away from us.

Don't get me wrong. We did not win every battle but we won the vast majority of them and we won the war of protecting or son from them.

Use your custodial household and financial advantages to keep the vitriolic SpermIdiot under control. Stay focused on being YOUR son's dad. He will know that you love him and have his back and eventually the other guy will just be a the fun idiot that your son visits occasionally. My son know that the SpermIdiot is his bio dad, he loves the guy but he also knows that he can not count on him or any of the SpermClan. He knows with absolute confidence that he can count on his mom and for the purposes of this discussion, more importantly on me.

Good luck.

Sorry for the typos. It is late and my fat fingeritis is rampant.

Regards,