Need to vent and need advice!
So, my SD20, is possibly bi polar or at least extremely depressed with lots of anxiety and anger issues. Her BM and her father /my husband, also believe she is bi polar as well. I have given her and her mother many names to counselors and psychologist's..My friend who is a LCSW has offered to talk with her for free (and be confidential in talking with her). But she refuses to seek any help.
She does live with her BM and my other SD17. She is constantly telling them she hopes they all die and she's the only one left living. She screams at them and makes life miserable.
She is not very nice to her father and has a very smart ass tone with him.
On my daughter's 5th birthday, she complained that she never had friends to her birthday parties, ate the top off of my daughter's cupcake, and continued to gripe that my 5 yr old was having a bday party. ( The bd party was at a park, which was free, and my daughter had 4 friends who came, we had pizza and cupcakes, so it wasn't that extravagant at all).
A week after the bd party, my SD20 sent out a very detailed list of what she wanted for her birthday which wasn't for 2 more months. She sent this list via text to me, her BM, father, all of her siblings and their significant others, to which no one replied.
My SD17, has dropped out of her senior year in school, well actually, she never started her senior year in school. My SD20, tells us that her sister, has social anxiety and doesn't think doing the required tests and homework is worth it and "for us to stay off of her back". Their BM has done nothing to encourage my SD17 to get back into school.
The BM of my SD's has them work so they can pay the bills she can't afford. The BM does work a full time job but depends on my SD'S to be her second and third part time jobs. SD17 was doing well in school until she started working.
SD25, lives with her boyfriend and they are expecting a baby soon. SD25, constantly asks us and SD17 and SD 20 for money non stop bc she cannot work full time due to being pregnant.
SS26 and his girlfriend and their baby live with SD25. They pay her some rent. They are constantly at BM's house bc BM watches their baby (well actually SD17 watches the baby most of the time). BM has somehow talked SS26 and his girlfriend into moving into one place with her and SD20 and SD17 when they all get their taxes.
All of the above drives me absolutely crazy. My husband agrees that SD20 needs some kind or counseling, that SD17 needs to graduate, that SD25 needs to stop getting money from her sisters, and that SS 26 and his little family need to get a place of their own vs moving in with BM and sisters. BUT there isn't much we can do except try to help encourage SD20 get help and encourage SD17 to get back into school.
I am so frustrated bc I know in my gut SD20 has some mental health issues, SD17 will not get a high school diploma and I do not want this affecting my 5 yr old biological dayghter in any means. I do not allow SD20 to be alone with my daughter for fear she is so jealous of her, she may try and do something. I try and not to talk about SD17 not being in school in front of my daughter bc I don't want my daughter to think it's ok to not go to school.
My husband gets upset with me if I don't want to go over to BM's place and see everyone. I think it's weird to have to hang out with his ex just for fun plus I am scared illI tell her what I think she is and has done to these kids of hers. I do however, say they can come see us. I just don't feel comfortable being around the ex. I have to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with her, which I think is strange.
My husband and I have talked to the school counselor for SD17 and have tried to help her get counseling as well, but BM doesn't think it's important, so therefore we don't get very far
So, I just need advice or support or something. I just try to focus on my daughter (she's my husband's daughter as well, so these are her half siblings) and her needs. I don't want to nor do I like trying to keep her away from her siblings as much as possible, but I don't want them to influence her negatively at the same time
I wish they would seek some guidance from someone other than their BM who is clearly only concerned about them working and helping her pay the bills. I know I can't make them do anything, but I sure wish they would take a step in helping themselves.
Thank you!
Wow
That's quite a handful. I don't know if my ideas will help but here goes.
See a counselor yourself about setting boundaries. Why do you "have" to see BM ar Thanksgiving and Christmas? Look up codependency and see if anything resonates with you. If so, you might want to try a Co-dependents Anonymous meeting and see if it might help you.
Discuss with DH getting full custody of SD17. I'm not sure which came first, working or dropping out of school, but she should be in school. Making a minor quit school and go to work is not appropriate. Even if she can't reenroll, she can get a GED and go to Community College if she has the aptitude and do quite well for herself with an associate's degree. I don't know that I'd worry so much about the effect on your own daughter. She can see for herself, with some help from you, that doing X leads to one kind of lifestyle and doing Y leads to another.
As far as the others, it's probably a good thing that they are working and since they're adults, I'd disengage from their living situation.
Split finances 50/50 and keep yours separate. If he gives money to kids, it's out of his stash. Yes this can create problems down the road when he finds out he has no savings for retirement. That's also assuming you're both working and bringing in similar incomes. If that's not the case and you have a more traditional arrangement, you may have to somehow make sure money is set aside for yourself and/or the household that is off limits. Which brings me to:
Would your DH go to counseling with you? Sounds like he is spending an inappropriate amount of time with BM given the kids are all adults or almost adults. I have an amicable relationship with my kids' dad, so it's not unusual to bump into him and his SO at an extended family event, but we don't hang out, and if my DH ever felt uncomfortable attending such an event, I wouldn't put any pressure on him to do so.
DH insisting I spend time
DH insisting I spend time with BM would be deal breaker. That's not reasonable. He can see his kids there if he wants but you don't have to.
You cannot stop or prevent this train wreck. Stop trying. DH and BM can deal with the mess they've made of their kids, and you can focus on protecting your little one from her toxic siblings. SD20 should no longer be invited to any birthday parties if she can't restrain herself from acting younger than the 5 yo guests. Set boundaries to protect yourself and your child.
Absolutely a train wreck
DH should not be spending time at or with BM. Big number one. Most likely there nothing you can do. They all enjoy playing with themselves. Bi polar runs in the family, they most likely all have some bi polar in them it’s just does not shows as bad. They are not going to change, DH has to stop being an ATM to his adult kids.
Your H and his ex aren’t very
Your H and his ex aren’t very good parents, are they? She exploits the kids, and he allows it. As a result, they’ve produced some low rent young adults who are making their own poor decisions (having babies they can’t afford).
In step life, it’s important to know what your role is and isn’t and to have good boundaries. Everyone has their own agenda, so you can’t just assume that what your H wants will always be good for you and your bio kid. You have to listen to your gut and be willing to stand firm when pressured to do things that conflict with your own judgement.
Which brings me to the topic of good judgment. You’ve shared just a few examples that show your H cannot he relied upon to make good decisions where his older kids are concerned. It seems he wants you to adapt to the preexisting dynamic - the one which produced these screwed up, trashy skids. He doesn’t see that they set an extremely poor example for their young half sib, and nothing in your post indicates that he wants to do a better job with her than he did with the older ones. So, it’s up to you to draw boundaries, create a healthy home environment, and keep the trash and toxicity out. You have to be strong, and prioritize your child and yourself. You can’t save his other kids, and it isn’t your job to try. You don’t have to associate with them, and given the 20 yo’s behavior, I wouldn’t want that around any young children. BM?You can say No Thanks, You Go Ahead, That Doesn’t Work For Me, etc when asked to interact with these cretins. And start teaching your kid about mental illness, and having compassion for those who are different, etc
The bottom line is you’ve married someone whose version of normal is very different from your own and you’re experiencing the culture clash that comes with that. I agree that marriage counseling is necessary so you can have a professional help the two of you bridge the huge gap and hopefully make your H see that he has a responsibility to rear his youngest child better than the others.
Hi..replying to exjuliemccoy
Hi!
I should start out by clarifying that my husband divorced BM because of the way she treated the kids. He says all of the time they fought over how she uses the kids and she treats them. He says he's done with fighting with her because she'll never change.
He tried to fight for the kids in the divorce but she won. He does try talking to them but they are under her spell so to speak and him talking to them or trying to provide them help absolutely does not do any good.
I didn't really say about the way he raises our child bc I was too busy venting about those adult step children. He does want so much better for our daughter. He agrees with me that school is important and that we will try and do our best to raise our daughter to be independent and educated and as happy as possible.
What we do disagree upon is that she should be able to see her half sibs more than what she does. But, he has laid off with trying to force the issue with me.
He also doesn't expect me to hang out with his ex as much as he was wanting me to just so he could see his kids
We lived in another state for 6 years before moving to where his kids are currently living. I guess he thought we would all hang out together but once I started to experience his kids and their mother up close and personal, I started throwing my two cents in and opposing me having to hang out with them so freauently.
But what I hate is having to spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with the ex. I told my husband that the kids are adults and they would be ok having two meals.
Now, the 20 year old is awful and I hate to say that bc I really believe she has mental health issues. I am always around when she is and will not allow her to be alone with my daughter.
The 17 yr old I feel really bad for. We tried to get her back into school but she won't go.
Thank you for telling me that its not my job to fix them. I know I can't change them. And it's hard for me to sit back and watch things get worse.
I like the term low rent adults that you used. It's a lot nicer than what I think in my head!
I know these are his kids and that's what he produced with his ex. I think they are jealous because they see how we raise our daughter and how I am with her vs how their mother is with them.
You said I need to know my role, and I don't really know my role. I have backed off in terms of me trying to help.
When I wrote my vent last night, it's a cumilation of the past two years of us living here and me see what my ex had talked about before we moved here.
They came to visit us in the other state we lived in and the 20 yr old (then she was 16) got shingles. She was on several medications that had to be given several times a day. We deliberately kept her with us until her medicine was finished because we feared her mother would not have seen to it that she took the medicine. That was my first peek into the mother' s mentality.
The 25 yr old who is pregnant does ask us for money but we do not give her any bc we have helped her so much in the past. But she still continues to ask. When we say no, she goes to her younger sisters.
The 26 yr old SS is pretty self sufficient but he and his girlfriend and their baby are slowly becoming co dependent on the mother and it drives me nuts. The mother has sucked them into her dysfunction and they can't see it .
Sorry to vent again..but thanks for listening.
I may need counseling just to learn as you said my role and how to draw boundaries.
It sounds like they are all
It sounds like they are all users and abusers and are okay with that. You need to accept that they are all mostly at an age where they are responsible for themselves, or should be, and they will only seek help when they realize, which they won't with enablers around, when they are ready to change. One of the hardest things about being a stepparent is accepting the repercussions of someone else's shitty parenting and having to make some sort of symbiotic relationship with that disfunction. You need to disengage and distance yourself from them as much as possible.