Hi I have just joined the forum and wanted to say hello to my fellow Step-parents of adults. In my case it's young adults. I wrote a long intro blog post yesterday but it's dissapeared into thin air and i haven't heard anything back from admin so posting a copy of it here to introduce myself. (thankfully I copied the text). Hopefully it can be moved to the blog section later if needed.
A little about me and my situation: I'm 40, no bio kids, partnered with SO since May 2011. He has 2 adult daughters- age 20 and 23. He left the family home in Feb 2011 after three years of therapy and trying to resolve some very old and deep seated issues with his (now ex) wife of 20 years (together for 25 in total). I was not the reason for the divorce, but cheating was involved 22 years ago that is now in the open.
After reading a little here I know that I am fortunate in that I don't have *some* of the problems that a lot of other step-parents are faced with - my SD's don't hate me or treat me with contempt and they show us respect in our home. They give me regular hugs and gifts at birthdays and Christmas. I even get asked for advice and opinion at times. Essentially they see their Dad is happy with me and are trying to accept that.
I DO struggle though with the myriad of other challenges that any step parent faces- the BM (and the girls loyalty to her), PA, My SO enabling and or rewarding bad behaviour, molly-coddling, guilt issues my SO has for leaving his kids, child support, boundaries (emotional and financial), engaging and then disengaging (that's partly due to my BPD), how often is reasonable for them to stay over. Then there is the general adjusting to having two Gen Y-ers in my life. It's like they are from another planet and I really struggle to understand their thinking and behaviour at times.
The girls are essentially good people, to any observer they are thoughtful and polite (except when it comes to their mobile phones), smart, creative, well rounded young-adults. They don't do drugs or go off the rails drinking on the weekends. They don't get in trouble with the law. In fact SD20 is just about finished her second year of her arts/law degree. Of course when it comes to their Dad and I - things are a little more sticky and some less desireable behaviours are displayed that I'm not such a fan of:: emotional blackmailing of their father, enabling their mother's adopted role of the victim and dependence on their Dad...plus lots more. The youngest has a lot of resentment about the split and I believe the three of them would benefit from a safe place to explore these feelings rather than them coming out in passive aggressive behaviour (which I hate hate hate seeing my SO just taking it and not standing up for himself).
This is not unusual I guess as BM was pretty much a closed book and emotionally unavailable to them from what I can work out. (She has had a lot of loss and grief in her own life). So he took on the role of being the confidant and nurturer to his kids to a certain degree- in fact he said just the other day that he thinks his relationship with the girls was so close due to the dysfunction of his relationship with their mother. He wasn't getting his needs met within his relationship with his wife so his children filled a part of that void. He knows in hindsight that it was probably not the most appropriate thing as now he has two very dependant young adult children who are really grieving the loss of the life they once knew. This would have happened sooner or later due to their age, but their Dad kind of accelerated this life change before they were emotionally ready.
There's a lot to say to give context to my story, but I guess I'll just build on it slowly.
I guess it's also important to say that to this relationship I bring my own set of baggage: I have an anxiety disorder - and have for almost 20 years. I have been medicated for the last 16 (Paxil) and currently 18 months into a slow taper off it - which is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. (I am one of the unlucky ones who experience very strong discontinuation symptoms). Meds are not the answer for me (or anxiety in general imho) and I want to live my life med free. On top of that, i have just been diagnosed with BPD - which has been a massive relief but at the same time a lot to take in and accept. It's been talked about for years and I've been in denial but my symptoms are too much a part of our daily lives to ignore anymore. I'm not a physical self harmer, rather hurt myself in other destructive ways. I am classed as 'high functioning' as appear to the world, mostly quite normal.
Nice to greet you!
PS: Although I'm relatively new to forum life, I have learnt pretty quickly that the advice of others experience on the boards is invaluable and I appreciate the time taken (particularly by veterans) to help us newbies find our way. It's wonderful to have a place to connect with others walking the same path.
Welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family adventure.
It sounds as if for the most part things are going well for you as far as your blended family experience is concerned.
Far too frequently the blended family opposition is toxic. Most of us struggle in dealing with that. Fortunately your Skids are older and much of that drama is now behind your DH. My SS is 21 so we are learning to be empty nesters and are finding it amazingly quiet and calm now that the SpermClan is no linger interfering in our lives. SS is on his own, serving in the USAF and working on his BSCS. He has little interface with the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan. He finally figured out how toxic they truly are and has for the most part put them behind him.
I look forward to hearing your story and your perspective on the blended family experience.
Thanks Rags ...I KNOW this is going to be my safe place to vent- I can't keep raging at my SO- he's exhausted- have just had another rant about his youngest being over every Friday and he has to be responsible for getting home from work before 7pm (self employed so not an issue) and cook dinner for her. I'm not doing it anymore.
I guess yes in comparison to many stories here things are not hugely toxic - but I still struggle on a daily basis. I naievly thought with the girls being older when we met (18 and 21) him having kids wouldn't be that much of an issue. Boy was I wrong. That's pretty much all we argue about.
I have to ask as I've seen you refer to the 'Sperm Idiot & Clan' a bit- who are they exactly? }:) I don't know how to access blogs either yet...
Thanks SA - yes I plan to take advantage of the wealth of knowledge here - and hopefully I can contribute too.... I never understood the power of people's collective experience and support until I found a forum for those of us struggling the horrendous side-effects of coming off Paxil. I feel closer to some of my PP buddies than I do IRL. They really get what I am going through- and I feel that's similar here.
I take comfort in seeing...with all the different 'set ups' there are so many of us experiencing the same challenges. it really does help knowing that at times I'm not being unreasonable. (although me going nuts at the excess use of toilet paper might have been one battle I could have chosen to leave alone).
One thing I am already doing is stop trying so hard. Unless SD's ask for help or advice -then I'll keep my mouth shut (I'm a bit of a fixer/micro-manager/overly helpful and I've learnt the hard way it's not the way to go.
welcome and sorry to hear about your illness. you do not need more stress in your life from your skids. learn to protect yourself by disengaging. that means not caring anymore. eventually you will get to this point. your heart will be so scarred from all the abuse and bleeding that you will not care anymore. most of all take care of yourself.
Take 2: cut and pasting the
Take 2: cut and pasting the text
Hi I have just joined the forum and wanted to say hello to my fellow Step-parents of adults. In my case it's young adults. I wrote a long intro blog post yesterday but it's dissapeared into thin air and i haven't heard anything back from admin so posting a copy of it here to introduce myself. (thankfully I copied the text). Hopefully it can be moved to the blog section later if needed.
A little about me and my situation: I'm 40, no bio kids, partnered with SO since May 2011. He has 2 adult daughters- age 20 and 23. He left the family home in Feb 2011 after three years of therapy and trying to resolve some very old and deep seated issues with his (now ex) wife of 20 years (together for 25 in total). I was not the reason for the divorce, but cheating was involved 22 years ago that is now in the open.
After reading a little here I know that I am fortunate in that I don't have *some* of the problems that a lot of other step-parents are faced with - my SD's don't hate me or treat me with contempt and they show us respect in our home. They give me regular hugs and gifts at birthdays and Christmas. I even get asked for advice and opinion at times. Essentially they see their Dad is happy with me and are trying to accept that.
I DO struggle though with the myriad of other challenges that any step parent faces- the BM (and the girls loyalty to her), PA, My SO enabling and or rewarding bad behaviour, molly-coddling, guilt issues my SO has for leaving his kids, child support, boundaries (emotional and financial), engaging and then disengaging (that's partly due to my BPD), how often is reasonable for them to stay over. Then there is the general adjusting to having two Gen Y-ers in my life. It's like they are from another planet and I really struggle to understand their thinking and behaviour at times.
The girls are essentially good people, to any observer they are thoughtful and polite (except when it comes to their mobile phones), smart, creative, well rounded young-adults. They don't do drugs or go off the rails drinking on the weekends. They don't get in trouble with the law. In fact SD20 is just about finished her second year of her arts/law degree. Of course when it comes to their Dad and I - things are a little more sticky and some less desireable behaviours are displayed that I'm not such a fan of:: emotional blackmailing of their father, enabling their mother's adopted role of the victim and dependence on their Dad...plus lots more. The youngest has a lot of resentment about the split and I believe the three of them would benefit from a safe place to explore these feelings rather than them coming out in passive aggressive behaviour (which I hate hate hate seeing my SO just taking it and not standing up for himself).
This is not unusual I guess as BM was pretty much a closed book and emotionally unavailable to them from what I can work out. (She has had a lot of loss and grief in her own life). So he took on the role of being the confidant and nurturer to his kids to a certain degree- in fact he said just the other day that he thinks his relationship with the girls was so close due to the dysfunction of his relationship with their mother. He wasn't getting his needs met within his relationship with his wife so his children filled a part of that void. He knows in hindsight that it was probably not the most appropriate thing as now he has two very dependant young adult children who are really grieving the loss of the life they once knew. This would have happened sooner or later due to their age, but their Dad kind of accelerated this life change before they were emotionally ready.
There's a lot to say to give context to my story, but I guess I'll just build on it slowly.
I guess it's also important to say that to this relationship I bring my own set of baggage: I have an anxiety disorder - and have for almost 20 years. I have been medicated for the last 16 (Paxil) and currently 18 months into a slow taper off it - which is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. (I am one of the unlucky ones who experience very strong discontinuation symptoms). Meds are not the answer for me (or anxiety in general imho) and I want to live my life med free. On top of that, i have just been diagnosed with BPD - which has been a massive relief but at the same time a lot to take in and accept. It's been talked about for years and I've been in denial but my symptoms are too much a part of our daily lives to ignore anymore. I'm not a physical self harmer, rather hurt myself in other destructive ways. I am classed as 'high functioning' as appear to the world, mostly quite normal.
Nice to greet you!
PS: Although I'm relatively new to forum life, I have learnt pretty quickly that the advice of others experience on the boards is invaluable and I appreciate the time taken (particularly by veterans) to help us newbies find our way. It's wonderful to have a place to connect with others walking the same path.
Welcome. I hope you find
Welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family adventure.
It sounds as if for the most part things are going well for you as far as your blended family experience is concerned.
Far too frequently the blended family opposition is toxic. Most of us struggle in dealing with that. Fortunately your Skids are older and much of that drama is now behind your DH. My SS is 21 so we are learning to be empty nesters and are finding it amazingly quiet and calm now that the SpermClan is no linger interfering in our lives. SS is on his own, serving in the USAF and working on his BSCS. He has little interface with the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan. He finally figured out how toxic they truly are and has for the most part put them behind him.
I look forward to hearing your story and your perspective on the blended family experience.
Thanks Rags ...I KNOW this is
Thanks Rags ...I KNOW this is going to be my safe place to vent- I can't keep raging at my SO- he's exhausted- have just had another rant about his youngest being over every Friday and he has to be responsible for getting home from work before 7pm (self employed so not an issue) and cook dinner for her. I'm not doing it anymore.
I guess yes in comparison to many stories here things are not hugely toxic - but I still struggle on a daily basis. I naievly thought with the girls being older when we met (18 and 21) him having kids wouldn't be that much of an issue. Boy was I wrong. That's pretty much all we argue about.
I have to ask as I've seen you refer to the 'Sperm Idiot & Clan' a bit- who are they exactly? }:) I don't know how to access blogs either yet...
Thanks for the welcome
Thanks SA - yes I plan to
Thanks SA - yes I plan to take advantage of the wealth of knowledge here - and hopefully I can contribute too.... I never understood the power of people's collective experience and support until I found a forum for those of us struggling the horrendous side-effects of coming off Paxil. I feel closer to some of my PP buddies than I do IRL. They really get what I am going through- and I feel that's similar here.
I take comfort in seeing...with all the different 'set ups' there are so many of us experiencing the same challenges. it really does help knowing that at times I'm not being unreasonable. (although me going nuts at the excess use of toilet paper might have been one battle I could have chosen to leave alone).
One thing I am already doing is stop trying so hard. Unless SD's ask for help or advice -then I'll keep my mouth shut (I'm a bit of a fixer/micro-manager/overly helpful and I've learnt the hard way it's not the way to go.
Thanks - going to have a read
Thanks - going to have a read now **thumbs up**
PS; How do I access other members blogs? Can' seem to work out where they are
welcome and sorry to hear
welcome and sorry to hear about your illness. you do not need more stress in your life from your skids. learn to protect yourself by disengaging. that means not caring anymore. eventually you will get to this point. your heart will be so scarred from all the abuse and bleeding that you will not care anymore. most of all take care of yourself.