Ettiquette for Wedding Invitation
I thought I would get other's opinions on how my father originally wanted to word his wedding invitation to my FSM. He called me for my opinion.
Instead of gifts he is asking people to make a donation to a colon cancer charity. I think that is very nice as they already have everything they need.
He called asking me the name of the foundation (since I volunteer for the organization) and my thoughts on the wording. Originally he wanted to include that the donation would be in honor of my mom who passed away from colon cancer.
I mentioned to him I thought that was insensitive to have my mom's name on the wedding invitation to his current Fiancé as the wedding needs to be about the two of them. I said it was nice to want to list the charity but maybe also list a favorite charity of FSM as well that way people have a choice of where to donate.
I know that the thought of the charity was my FSM idea and I respect her for wanting to include the one my family volunteers with.
In the end my mom's name was stricken from the invitation and only the charity was listed. (No other charity was listed either as I suggested originally)
When I mentioned the conversation to a cousin of mine they thought listing my mother's name would have been ok. I was wondering what others on this board felt? I tried to put myself in my FSM shoes and see how I would feel if my Fiancée's dead wife was on my wedding invitation. I would be hurt and upset.
I agree with you
The day is about your Father and his new bride. I'm sure that many people will be able to connect the selection of the donation with your Mother. Unless your cousin is a second wife I don't think they can fully understand. Your Cousin is merely expressing the flawed attitude of Step Parents and second marriages according to the general view of society. This doesn't mean your Father will ever forget your Mother - only that he is moving on to another chapter in his life.
Kudos to you for being sensitive about your FSM and possibly preventing hard feelings between your Dad and FSM. I sincerely hope you can form a positive, lasting relationship with her. You should be giving lessons no how to be a better Adult Step Kid.
Thanks! I have come to
Thanks! I have come to realize my problems are not with my FSM it is with my father. (He is one of those lazy fathers I read about on this board)
We are all learning how to blend as a family as adults not always easy but we all do the best we can.
I think you were right to
I think you were right to suggest leaving your mom's name off of the wedding invitation.
I agree too.
Those who knew your mom know the story behind the charity selection. There was no need to have her name on the invitation. People can choose to donate or not. I think "no gifts" is a great idea for second marriages, especially when the couple is older. That's what we did . We certainly didn't need any more stuff, and we are financially comfortable. We didn't ask for any charity donations, although one person did make a donation to an organization, which was very thoughtful.
You did the right thing.
You did the right thing. Thank you.
You're a gem!
To consider how the original wording might make your future SM feel was really lovely, especially when I'm sure this is a peculiar situation for you as well.
You did the right thing. Anyone intimate enough to be invited to their wedding will probably already know the meaning of that particular charity without putting your mom's name on the invitation!!! Anyone who doesn't, doesn't really NEED to know.
I hope your dad is just being a typical male with no sense of empathy or decorum and not that he hasn't moved on from your mom or doesn't appreciate what it's like for your SM to be #2. But if not, your SM is lucky to have you looking out for her -- and frankly, so is your dad!
Damn! Wish you were my SD! However did you become so selfless?
TBH, there never should be
TBH, there never should be any mention of gifts on the invitation... that is information that generally is passed out to the guests as they inquire.. as most should be fairly close to the couple or family.
I do agree that at the very least the new wife deserves to not have her husband's EX in virtual presence at her wedding. She is going to have a tough enough time living up to the sainted first wife unfortunately. Although I hope everyone will be able to be happy for the guy for being lucky enough to find love twice. So, no mom's name shouldn't be on their invitation.. at all.
edit to add that I understand the intention to put the charity down to confirm the couple is not interested in gifts is to spare people expense etc... but technically ettiquete dictates those things not be on invitations.... though it is more common and more acceptable if people are truly trying to discourage "no gifts" as opposed to asking for donations to a vacation fund etc...
I agree with you that it was
I agree with you that it was best not to mention your mother on your father's wedding invitation. Your FSM is lucky to have a FSD who is concerned about her feelings.
Good for you!
Your stepmother is very blessed to have you. Your Dad and your SM should celebrate this day as THEIR union and you are doing a great job to facilitate that. And, that's awesome.
Not that your Mother's memory or legacy should/ever will "go away", if your future SM wants to had a beautifully framed copy of their wedding inviation on the mantle or wall... it should just be about the two of them.