DH says he was resolution between me and SD
So DH says he said he told SD that she has not treated my right. He said she disagrees and that she see nothing wrong with her actions. So he says there is nothing he can do. I told him that there are no consequences for her actions. He is not willing to give her any consequences. He never has and never will
He said he thinks the I should sit down with him, SD and her husband, I said no way. I am not going to get tag teamed by the 3 of them. DH loyality is to SD not me. All 3 of them are narcissists. No way am I going to put myself in that situation. There is no team between DH and I. He is on team SD.
I told him that I was tired of SD sh*tting on me. He started belittleing me and told me that I need to go get help from a professional.
I am done trying to make any kind of emotional connection with him. There is nothing there to connect to.
So I guess his idea of resolution is me sucking it up and taking what ever SD dishes out with no consequences. For her that is.He says I hold a grudge. The abuse has never stopped. It just keeps on going. How is someone suppose to get over something that just continures?
I really got suckered in. DH made me think that BM was the narcissist.
I am just going to pour all my time and effort in to work. And start putting money away. And dream of a man who stands up for his wife.
What would be the point of a
What would be the point of a sit down, when she disagrees that she did anything wrong? It would be the 3 of them chastising you and telling you that YOU are in the wrong.
You need professional help because you won't be a doormat? You have every right to avoid someone who treats you like crap.
And it's not about holding a grudge, it's not about just ONE thing that happened, it's a whole pattern of behavior, the person herself. That's not holding a grudge, that's just knowing that you don't want to be around the kind of person that she is.
This is so unfair on you, but
This is so unfair on you, but pretty much sums up the situation I was in. He will never see anything wrong with SDs actions and in any issue you raise regarding her behaviour or even his attitude to her you will never be right. This is the situation I was in. I have often wondered in the past few months if I dreamed up OSD's attitude to me, or was I deluded? No, it was a set-up from the get go and I would never have been taken seriously. Now I am free of all that craziness and they are welcome to each other- the X would never have taken my side. Now I am quite sure he is looking for number 5 whilst I am sure OSD doesn't give a f... Put that money away girl. I broke free and if I ever meet a man with children I will say, 'that's nice- I never want to meet them.' Make a life for yourself- I did it and so can you- leave these people to their next victim.
So Sorry For You
Moose, my heart goes out to you. The one thing I have learned about dealing with narcissists is there is no discussion. It is a verbal dual that they must win at all costs. It really sucks that your DH is not committed to your marriage as the number one priority. None of us deserve anything less. And suggest you are the one that should seek professional help is laughable. Emotions are are warning signals that let us know something is not right. If he cannot be supportive of your emotions, he may be an emotional cripple and definitely not in the marriage as a true partnership. But hey, that’s typical of narcissism.
If it is any consolation, and it’s probably not, there are husbands that actually believe the vows in marriage actually mean something and place our marriage above all else. Then comes my wife and my daughters, all at the same level. Whoever needs me, gets me. But that is a privilege and not a right to be abused.
Stay strong and take care of yourself. It sounds like you are on your own.
Thank you for your support. I
Thank you for your support. I really feel so alone.
You are not alone
I know it feels like it, but you have friends here that support and understand. Do something for yourself. My DW informed me she is spending the weekend with her kids. Great. That was after I suggested she spend Mother’s Day with them, but looks like it will be the entire weekend.
As for me, I welcome the relief and plan to fly to Florida to se my 90yo aunt and uncle. Best to be with people that love and care about you.
I do not want to go around
I do not want to go around these people. DH wants that because it is convenient for him. He doesn’t care what it does to me. I really feel like I have PTSD from all the emotional abuse from them. Why would you want someone you supposed love to be subjected to more of that. I know it would end up being the 3 of them against me.
He wants resolution for
He wants resolution for himself. He doesn’t care what it does to me.
Typical
That is so typical of a narcissist. They are the important one and must maintain control at all costs, so you and your feelings really don’t figure into his way of thinking. I feel so bad for you.
Dealing with a narcissist is
Dealing with a narcissist is so horribly painful. You can be pouring your soul out in pain. They have no reaction. They are so cold. They are just so cold. It is like loving a stone. You can beg them to love you and they won't. How can anybody be so cold?
No Empathy
Narcissistic people have no capacity for empathy, even when it comes to their own spouse that they took a vow to love. They are not capable. If you want to see if anyone is truly a narcissist, just disagree with them and watch their reaction. But take at least one full step back because it can be volitle.
As for my narcissistic SS, I’m trying to figure out if he got it from his mother, or he infected her. I am betting on the later because it’s difficult, and in some cases impossible, for a parent to see their kids as flawed. This may be the case with your DH. The more time my DW spends with them, the more she has come around to the SS way of thinking. And the sadest part is that includes the way he has portrayed me to her.
I don't know either if my DH
I don't know either if my DH got it from his kids or if they got it from him. We went to a couselor once who him that he had put his kids on an alter and made them God like and that they beleive it. He would not go back to that couselor anymore.
When you need them most. They just turn to stone. There is nothing. Just coldness. He can see how much pain I am in and there is no emotion what so ever. My DH is just like your DW. The more time he spends around them the more he thinks like they do. I don't think that he sees me any different than his kids see me either.
Taking empathy away from your spouse is worse than taking food and water away from someone. It is so cruel.
I Agree 100%
I have come to understand they are wired completely different from us. It’s so sad that the person we fell in love with can have such disregard for our feelings. Everyone is entitled to their view and their feelings. To deny that is emotional abuse. I won’t stand for it. I have been gaslighted several times by my SS and now my DW. As I said, I won’t tolerate that because nobody defines my value in this world except for me. If they don’t see that, that’s their problem. We cannot sit by and take the abuse and not be hurt. At som point something has to give. Sadly, narcissists rarely if ever change.
How do you handle it?
How do you handle it?
To Be Truthful...
Not very well in the past. It hurts that they seem to not care. They might, but cannot show it. But now I am more aware and I have a better opinion of myself. I keep telling myself that nobody defines my value. That’s for me to do, and me alone. It was nice when DW was in my corner. But that part of my marriage died. If she wants to get back to that, I will work with her, but not at the cost of my mental health. Right now I am the most important person in my life. It was her, and that turned out to be dangerous and unhealthy. So now I take pride in myself, my boundaries, and the good things I bring into this world.
It is really hard for me to
It is really hard for me to let go of the fact that this man that I have dedicated my life to will never have my back. My first husband abused me physically. I thought that DH was the total opposite. I thought he was this caring man who would have my back. He does not abuse me physically. He put on such a good show. I feel like such a fool. I have opened up my heart and soul to him. I really didn't think for a minute that he would throw me under the bus.
My mother died 18 months ago after me taking care of her for 31/2 years with alzheimers. Then my bother died who did have my back died 9 months ago. I really needed my DH in my corner having my back emotionally. He has turned out to be stone cold.
The other part that hurts. Is that he does have those emotions for his daughter. He talks to her like he should his wife. He totally has her back.
So have you just totally turned off all your emotions and any emotional needs you have?
Well...
I have for the skids. But I tried that before and daily because one of the 3 skids has actually been nice to me. But the narcissistic SS controls just about everyone. So now with the help and support of the people here, and with the knowledge that I did everything I could, I am trying again. But I’m really only into it for a few days, but have a better outlook.
The downside right now is that DW is being cold and bitter, but I hear that is “normal” when we stop being tortured by how we have been mistreated. The key is to sincerely not give a crap and do things to make you realize your value.
I am taking a flight to Florida from Washington DC to see my 90 yo aunt for Mother’s Day while my DW is going to spend it with her “family”. I have no problem with going because I love my aunt and it’s important for me to be around those people that love and support me. Sadly that’s not my DW. Maybe it will be again someday, but she has lots of stuff to process. Most importantly, whether she want to commit to this marriage .
But I’m not going to sit around and wait for her to decide. Life’s too short. I like who I am and I know my value.
Crisis comes to the person that uses it to fuel charges in their life that help them grow into a better and stronger version of who they once were.
Be strong. Know your value.
Why would your DH tell SD
Why would your DH tell SD that she hurt you and then tell you she didn't? I guess if SD proclaims she did nothing wrong, then it must be so, right?
You are in a spot where you can drive yourself crazy hitting your head against the wall out of frustration. If I were in your spot (and I have been there), I would make a list on a piece of paper of the things that SD has done to hurt you. Print it off and give it to your DH. Tell him that normal healthy people do not hang out with people who treat them in the manner that is on that piece of paper. Tell him he can try to gaslight you all he wants into believing that no one else is doing anything wrong but you and that you need counseling, but you are not falling for it.
I had to do this with my DH. Then the first few times he brought her up, I had two comments: 1. refer to the list of crap she did, 2. oh, she's not remorseful? Then my opinion has not changed.
Until you get a remorseful, sincere apology from SD that does not require daddy to be there and supervise the conversation and protect her, you will have absolutely nothing to do with her....ever. (My OSD has told DH she wants the three of us to get on the phone to "talk". No, she wants the three of us so she can cry and play victim and get DH to feel sorry for her. I told DH if she is ever truly remorseful she can reach out to me directly. Several years later, that has not happened).
In the meantime, I would tell him he needs to decide if he is going to continue living as his daughters suppository or if he is going to dedicate himself to your marriage, which #1 entails validating your feelings. If he can't do that, why stay married to him? Being alone is better off.
Speaking of counseling, however, it would be worthwhile admitting to your DH that yes you could benefit from counseling since your DH is married to his DD rather than his own wife.
Thank you Sacrificallamb.
Thank you Sacrificallamb. Thank you for the support and good advice. DH answer about SD is that is who she is and she is not going to change. He also says that he has no control over her actions. He says it is up to me to build myself up so that I become a stronger person and don't let it bother me. He says I should be able to be around her and just ignore how she treats me because, I know who she is now. Not that he is going to be on my team, If i was around her. The times I was around her with him, I became completely invisable. At her wedding. I never even saw my DH the whole reception. He was to busy making it look good for her new family.
He is angry with me because I won't just suck it up and take it and be around her. So, according to him it is all on me. If I was a stonger, not so sensative person that everything would be fine. I guess he wants me to be like him, a piece of stone with no emotions.
"That's just the way she is."
"That's just the way she is."
That seems to be a common response by the bio parents of poorly-behaved adult children. I heard it several times myself, along with DH could not control her actions.
When I finally got to the point that I had had enough, I told DH that as her father he had a higher tolerance for "that's just the way she is" than I did. And once again, healthy people do not choose to be around toxic individuals. It has nothing to do with you being "too sensitive"; it has to do with not wanting to spend a minute of your precious life around an unenjoyable person and it does not matter that it is his daughter. Just because he tolerates his DD's behavior does not mean that you need to. I told my DH that I watched him be a doormat for years, but I did not sign up for the role of Mrs. Doormat.
Your DH wants you to be with him because he is uncomfortable with her bossy behavior, wants you to be the buffer that absorbs the toxicity and he doesn't have to deal with her on his own.
I know you're hurt right now, but I think your DH needs a wake up call. If you keep focusing on your hurt, he's going to have an easy excuse to keep saying you are too sensitive. You need become more assertive, establish boundaries and stick to them.
Amen to that
Set boundaries and stick to them,
With a partner like yours
With a partner like yours counseling is just a way for you to get some foundation under you to move on. That is how my first marriage worked out in the end. When my XW answered my question of "Do you want a divorce" with "I don't know" I found a therapist and we started right away. 7mos later she walked out of the last session she attended when the Doc told us "now we will start working with the intimacy and lack of sex issues". She stood up and said " I don't have a problem with sex." and walked out. In that she was perfectly honest, she had been servicing every swinging Johnson she could get her hands and any other part of her body on for nearly our entire marriage (unbeknownst to me at the time). I kept seeing the therapist for another 5mos until she told me I was fine, didn't need to return and get out there and live my life.... and I did. And I never looked back.
Take care of you and move on.
He also wants me to sit down
He also wants me to sit down with his sister and her husband. Because I have told him I am not going around his sister any more. This sister told me that DH and his kids were not healed when I came along, and since family is more important, maybe DH and I need to move along. Then he and his kids can heal. This sister also lives across the street from her daughter and SIL and 2 kids. They do not go anywhere with out each other. Her daughter plays in adult Vollyball tournaments and Mom and Dad always go with them. The daughter is in her 40's. I really feel like It would be another situation of 3 against 1. This sister was very happy when DH 2nd marriage broke up. She explained how it was all wife #2 fault and no fault of DH. She also explained why wife #1 was at total fault for DH first marriage breaking up as well. This sister also believes that she has healing powers just by waving her hand over anyone she can heal them.
So because I don't want to sit down with them either. DH says I am the one who will not bring resolution to anything.
I am so confussed now. I am wondering if I am a narcissist. I don't know.
You should research
Why on earth would you want to hang out with people who want you to move on? That's absolutely crazy for your DH to expect you to do that. My OSD said I was not family; after some initial shock and hurt I was happy to oblige her.
You should research gaslighting, because your DH sounds like an expert. The goal is to confuse you, to get you to doubt your perception, to think there is something wrong with YOU.
I think you definitely need to start therapy on your own to work through these issues, build up your self esteem, set boundaries for yourself. That also will help you determine if you want to continue with the marriage you are in.
Gaslighting
I agree with the other posters - your DH is gaslighting but he is also trying to recruit support for his gaslighting from his relatives. Ask him if he would like to sit down and discuss marital issues and SD's disrespectful behavior with three of YOUR relatives. You know, make it even. You KNOW what his answer is going to be. Then ask, "What's the difference?"
If he told SD he did not like the way she treated you then he honestly believes SD treated you badly. What he SHOULD have done is to tell her he loves you and that he expects her to respect you as his wife. He's a coward who is grasping at straws, trying to draw his relatives in to support his spineless actions. He says he has no control over SD's actions but HE has control over his. YOU are the stronger person because you are refusing to allow the toxicity in your life. You have a right not to be around SD. Period.
Thank him for his suggestion to see a therapist and inform him you are going to work with this therapist to be a stronger person and learn to set boundaries. Glad you mentioned that you are saving up and going to "pour all my time and effort in to work." It's NOT you - it's DH. He's being an a$$.
DH is so kind and
DH is so kind and understanding to everyone else. He watches all these halmark movies and sits there crying. He only will read happy books. Everyone thinks he is the most kind , wonderful person they have ever met. Nobody thinks that he had anything at all to do with the break up of his marriages. Everyone around him thinks it was his wives.
His first wife cheated on him. He says that the counselor that he and 2nd wife went to pretty much gave him permission to cheat on wife #2 because she would not do anything with him. He did cheat on her but, he says it was because his wife didn't do anything with him.
I have tried to be the opposite of his xwife. I have tried to always be there with him. SD had nothing to do with him for years so It all worked out. Now SD has come back in his life and now is in control.
This same sister used to tell me how SD was just like his wife, not there for DH except to have her hand out, Turned her back on him during and after the divorce. Now all of a sudden, his sister has joined the SD band wagon and, turned on me.
I really am confussed.
This it typical narcissism
You are being gas lighted into feeling guilty for what they have done. Has anyone made any attempt to apologize or amend the rift? Has there been any growth from any of them? Do any of them feel empathy? Narcissists cannot empathize. Can you? Have you grown? Have you tried in the past to make amends? If you answered yes, you are not the narcissist.
"DH is so kind and
"DH is so kind and understanding to everyone else."
Beware of the wolf in sheep's clothing.
A counselor gave him permission to cheat? Your DH does not take responsibilty for his actions. He says the counselor gave him permission; his then wife did not do anything with him, so of course it was not his fault he cheated.
Also, your DH is afraid SD is going to walk out of his life again, so he is going to do everything he can to stay on her good side, even at your expense. He needs to not take you for granted; you just might walk out of his life too.
Moose, I feel bad for you.
Moose, I feel bad for you. Your DH sounds just like my DH was before we married. He did everything and anything the adult skids wanted him to do and was not there for me. So many things, many I've forgotten, but reading these posts take me back to that dreadful place of utter disrespect by him and the adult skids I vowed to never be at again.
Like yours, he couldn't believe his halo-wearing adult nightmares would ever be rude to me or try and break us up. He wanted me to go with him to SD's therapist as she could not get past our relationship and still hasn't. I did not go. Why should I? SD is seriously nuts and had the problem. DH would not go with her alone, as he was beginning to see her halo was not really there.
All the adult skids see our marriage as a slap in the face to their late mother. Instead of wanting DH to be happy, they are hateful and manipulative. They are always trying to guilt DH for getting married.
DH has a couple of family members like your DH's, who after so many years, continue to try and make arrangements to get either DH in a place to sit down with the skids and gskids and a few family members who will lecture DH on that the world needs to revolve around the skids and gskids, just like their families. Some of these relatives have been poisoned by the adult skids and are on their bandwagon also.
So, what did I do? I knew I didn't want to marry anyone who would place our marriage below anything. I expressed to DH adult skids were trying to break us up and kept a very long running list of the stunts they pulled, and whenever DH would have his blinders on about the little angels, out came the list to provide him factual information on what they have done to me and us and why I don't want to be around them.
All I knew is that I could not be in a relationship where the man who says he loves me allows me to be treated like garbage. I hid nothing from DH and found that being honest with him and just saying, "hey, this is wrong, what kind of people treat others this way?" "I don't want to be around hateful people who don't want me around to begin with and I did not sign up for this." I kept busy and distanced myself from the hateful skids and gave DH all the time he wanted with them. I am lucky in that he saw what they were trying to do and he is a good man.
My advice, is stay strong. Take care of yourself and don't give up on letting your DH know being treated badly by others is wrong, and as your DH he should not sit back and play nice with people who cannot be decent to you. At least he did say he talked to SD about he behavior toward you. I guess that is a positive. I would not attend the meeting with the relatives either.
BRAVO!!!!
Boy did I need to hear that! It’s exactly what I am I the earlier stages of with my DW. I hope she can find her way back. But in the meantime I am telling her to spend as much time with kids as she needs to. That way they can stop blaming me for her not going to see them and she can stop blaming me for the guilt she feels.
Quite a while ago now, but SS
Quite a while ago now, but SS was very rude to me - yes, he's only 4 - so I didn't take it to heart like i would an older child or adult - but still.
I told SS what he said was very rude, and walked away.
DH tried to get SS to apologize, but SS wasn't having it... and while I understand that 4 year olds can be little terrorists, I was peeved that DH left it at that and didn't issue a consequence for SS refusing to apologize.
DH didn't quite get it... "But baby, if he won't apologize, I can't force him..."
I went off on him a little, letting him know that if HE felt it was ok NOT to punish SS for being rude, whether or not SS apologizes, then who ws I to say anything different? That I choose not to be around people who are rude to me... told him that HE was the parent, it was HIS job to teach SS right from wrong, and I "ignored" ss for a while.
No, DH, you can't force him to apologize, but you can punish him until he changes his tune. Not let SS crash in front of cartoons like he's being rewarded for his crappy behavior.
Nowadays, when SS says something out of line, it's dealt with - if there isn't an immediate calling out of bad behavior by DH, I will call it out, and if DH doesn't issue discipline after the bad behavior has been called out, I will... and DH had better not interfere.
I wouldn't attend the meeting - I would just simply state that you don't want to be around people who treat you like crap, and that if your DH accepts that his princess treats you like crap, that maybe you need to think about not being with someone who allows their child to treat you like crap.