When the bio dad leaves all parenting to the step mother
Hi ya'll, I'm new to the site and was looking for some support. Let me start off by saying I love both my husband and my step-daughter. I have been fortunate to have been in their lives literally since the day she was born. My husband and the bio mom had a short fling that ended as soon as it began. Unfortunately they were not wise enough to protect against pregnancy. About 6 months prior to the birth of the child I began dating my now husband. I knew the spectrum of what I was getting involved in. The bio mom undoubtly loves her baby girl, but she was highly immature at the time of her birth and while she attempted to have primary custody soon it became evident that she wasn't ready. After much trouble of her "meeting inmates" and chasing them around the country dragging the baby with her she did the first smart thing and let us raise the child. She was to have visitation, but within two weeks she refused her daughters phone calls and rejected any time to see her.
Leading us to present day. My step-daughter is five and knows she has a step mom and a mom... And that there is a big difference between the two. She still wants to call me mom as well as call her bio mom mom. We have many convo's with her that it's ok as long as she realizes I am not a replacement for her mom, that her bio mom and bio dad will always come first.
My problem is that my husband thinks that I am the only one responsible for raising her. When she's sick he leaves me to care for her, when she's in trouble, I'm responsible to discipline, hungry, I must feed her... I buy all her clothes, toys, etc. 75% of the time he ignores her until I step in and force him to acknowledge her. I have to admit I'm getting resentful. When I signed up to be a step parent I didn't know I would be entering the realm of single motherhood. I have tried talking to my husband several times about needing help, support, and time out. My life revolves around my sd, his and her mom's revolve around themselves. Of course this has created trouble. Bio mom resents me and constantly talks badly of me. My husband has no control over sd, and sd does not respect her dad. I feel like I'm in a terrible position of damned if I do and sd damned I'd I don't. When I try forcing dad to step up and care for daughter he fails miserably. Most days he sleeps until he has to work, leaving me to get her up and ready, care for her all day if I don't have work, he'll wake, take off for a few hours. Typically he'll come home and sit on the computer, talking to me but ignoring the child. Bed time has me doing routines and snuggles etc. If I have to work I must figure out babysitters. I'm so frustrated. I'm trying to do it all. Work 3 part time jobs, raise my sd, be a good wife, and be a full time online student.
I don't doubt my husband loves his daughter, I just don't think he knows how to be a dad, and has relied on me for five years so he doesn't think things should change. How do I get him to see sd will grow to resent him and me? I don't want to be the only parent here.
Lastly it also sucks because raising her alone full time has pretty much erased any possibility of having a natural child for me.
I don't know how far I want
I don't know how far I want to step back with my sd. Short of actually being pregnant with her, I don't know how much more love I could have for her. She never asked to have two immature individuals bring her into this messed up world. Sadly my husband treats me good as a wife. He respects his mother. And he tries to do right by everyone BUT his daughter. It seems like when sd is in bed, or we catch a few hours alone he's an engaging man.
In the past when I tried to force him into caring for his bio daughter, he wouldn't feed her until after noon, dress her til after 2pm, or nap as she ran like a crazy fool around the house. Some nights if I would have to leave he would at times forget to even feed her dinner... She doesn't deserve to be treated like that. Her bio mom is no better. If she gets a visit, she doesn't get bathed, and on her last visit she came home with another whopper " mom, something really bad happened.... I was puking and my (bio) mom wanted to go shopping so she left me home alone. No one was there to help me, but (bio) mom says I would be fine just to play a game"
My guilt and love for my sd has allowed this situation to fester. By no means am I a perfect smom, but of her other choices staying with a disengaged DAD is better than raising herself with a bio mom that is still partying and seeking fulfillment from men.
My frustration is what led me here. I know that my husband COULD be a good dad, and in turn be the support I need, but I don't know how to light a fire under his Arse without having sd suffer. She has started to make comments to him "you never have time for me" "please daddy no computer I want to talk to you!" She loves her daddy so much, even if he's lacking.
I don't want her growing to resent me, think I took her parents away, or that I am trying to replace her natural parents.
I want my husband to reach the potential I know he has, but he thinks things are fine as is. If I try and talk about it with him he gets mad and says I'm rubbing his nose in the fact he sucks as a dad. In a rare moment of honesty he told me he realizes he's lacking and appreciates me stepping up.
I love these two people so Damn much, I want the best for my family. Counseling would be appreciated, but my husband has already said "no way in heck" Pre-marital counseling was enough of a job to tackle. Lol.
In the future if my sd needs I will go with her if she wants. I don't ever want her to feel unloved, or unwanted. Above all she is the one who needs to be thought of. At five Years old she has yet to be a monster skid, and is an innocent party to two messed up parents and a ignorant smom. The only control I have is changing my ignorance, and hopefully getting my husband to become more involved.
Support from other smoms fighting this battle, and continued advice is appreciated. It's hard to feel so alone. Thank you to the two previous posters for taking time to respond. Having a strong woman speak up helps bolster me to try and find more of a voice, and the suggestion about counseling, well I think I need it more than as a couple. I allow poor conduct, so I receive poor conduct. Thank you again!
Echo- do you think it could
Echo- do you think it could be transference of resentment from bio mom to bio daughter? Sometimes I can't help but think that this extreme lack of desire for involvement is because it means being involved in part with the bio mom. I dunno though. I don't know anyone else in my boat.
That very thought crossed my
That very thought crossed my mind. He resents biomom and sees her and his mistakes in his daughter.
My sd does indeed resemble
My sd does indeed resemble her bio mom mannerisms, and facial beauty (i may not have a passel of nice things to say about her, but she does have a beautiful face). Sometimes when she is sassy to her dad he'll say your bio mom does that, or you look just like your mom. And gosh forbid there is an eye roll! I guess that was a signature move on her part so he flips.
I do, and must step in to get her to listen to her dad. If he tells her to do a job she backtalks or ignores him until I step in and tell her to listen to her father. If I'm going to raise this child, I refuse to have a disrespectful turd. No matter if my dh deserves it or not. He is still an adult and needs to be respected. When we are alone I ask him though if he expects any less from his daughter. She is learning the ignoring behavior from him... Essentially he is teaching her to disrespect him. I made him take her with him to the store yesterday after reading echos post about asserting myself and creating change... He said she was a complete monster, wouldn't listen to him, and generally was a butt.
Sigh. When her are one on one, she's a delight. I know she's learning these problems from dad, but I can't help but wish things had gone better so he'd be willing to go out again with her.
I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to replace her natural parents. I would lay my life down for this innocent baby, and am happy having her as a skid. I want so much more for her though. I love my daddy to pieces (yes a step parent to me), and I want her to grow up knowing her daddy will always protect her and love her like no one else can.
It's so Damn tough. I have a weak backbone, but a strong moral fiber, and this fiber is what has me wanting to fight for what's right where my skid is concerned. She is our future, as all kids are. I hold strong responsibility in making sure that future is a good one. I do not want to end up on Maury when she's 15 and out of control!
As far as my own natural babies, as I stated earlier being in this position is exactly why I feel like it is not a possibility. I won't make another child fight for their position in their dads world. I have a lot of love to give, but none would be enough to make up for what two parents could give.
Thank you all for your time. I searched the internet high and low before coming on this site looking for advice. It has been so nice to have ya'll speaking your thoughts and for your kind words. If nothing else, the support has been mentally a relief for me. Being able to finally get out this injustice, this frustration to people having found their roles and are living a healthy step parent life. Thank you all
That girl is so lucky to have
That girl is so lucky to have a parent who is doing right by her. Even though you are not a bio parent, YOU are the one who has been a mother to her all these years and the only one who has been parenting her.
You have options re how to get the FH to step up. None will be easy. He has shot down counseling, so I guess that's out. I think going to counseling on your own is a fabulous idea and will be a huge help to you. Also do you take time for yourself, to see friends or pursue hobbies? Try to do that at least once a week, and leave SD with her dad instead of worrying about a babysitter.
Have you sat down with him and told him how you feel? What if you asked him flat out, "Do you think it's fair that I (the SM) am doing almost all the parenting?" If he responds that he DOES think it's fair, then well you might be at a dead end. But if he acknowledges it's not right, then you can maybe get somewhere. Ask him for concrete ideas on how to share parenting more equitably, whether it be him taking over dinner and bedtime every other night, or doing more laundry and cleaning, or helping SD with schoolwork, or whatever. Get some ideas and things that he is willing to try down on paper, if possible. If you get HIM to come up with ideas, rather than just telling him "do this" he might be more invested.
It's worth a shot, anyway. It is good to have you in this community, I hope you stick around.