Hello!

I have never been more happy in my life to have found this forum. I have been lurking for a few days and have just felt this major weight lift off of my shoulders reading everyone's feelings and different experiences as a step parent.

I have been with my boyfriend for two years- we have been best friends since childhood. We were both married previously and separated when we moved on with each other. He has a daughter with his BM and I have no children. I have always WANTED children very badly - and it is the main reason my marriage did not work out previously. I married someone who dangled the prospect of children in front of my face for years. When I realized it would never happen I left.

I did not expect to settle down with my best friend but I am very glad I did. We should have just done this in first the place instead of marrying our previous spouses but if it hadn't happened he would never have had his beautiful daughter. She's a great kid - the BM is actually a very good mother - and my boyfriend and his BM work VERY well parenting together. This does not bother me whatsoever. Now...just because they know how to keep their personal feelings separate from their child (so far at least - not too sure on her end) does not mean that BM does not do everything she can to put him down the minute their daughter is not listening (aka when he drops her off after visiting for a weekend).

When DH and I got together I told him this would never work unless someday down the line we had children of our own as well. Since I've been wanting to be a mother for over 10 years now and have constantly hit road blocks (mainly with my partners). So now the happy time is finally arriving...we are about to TTC after years together...things are settled with his daughter for the most part (more back history - for the longest time BM tried to keep me out of the picture and DH and I were stupid enough to let her succeed with this for almost a year! My SD is now 6 years and I'm pretty sure BM is saying some bad things about me in her own home because recently she has been extra sassy with me - which she never has been before - but that's another topic I will need help on later, I'm sure! I also think that is why BM tried to keep SD away from me for so long - to let her get older so she would be less attached. We eventually had to get a lawyer because I was leaving MY OWN HOME EOW so SD could stay in her bedroom at her dad's without me there. Yeah that was BS - it did not go well. Over now though.) ...moving on...

I know a lot of women on here have children with their husbands who have previously had children. I need help. What am I getting myself into? I already have a lot of stress with how broke his CS makes him every month. We will have enough to have a child but it does frustrate me that there is a very big difference in how his BM lives (lap of luxury) and how my DH lives (not anywhere close) because of the CS she gets from him. I was upset to learn that my state could care less about the father. If the BM has another child from another man she can get MORE MONEY from my DH! No joke. I looked up these laws in my state. But if my DH and I have another child the court will not even consider lowering the CS payment - even though the BM has an AMAZING job and seriously vacations several times a year, lives in a luxury apartment, drives a brand new car. Now - don't get me wrong - I want his daughter 100% cared for. She is a great kid and deserves it. But I think there is something severely screwed up when the father is not allowed to move on in the law but the mother is and can make the first husband pay dearly for it.

But...this is not my real concern. It was for a long time but now I have just accepted it. If any of you ladies can provide me insight on what you did or how you handled any of this...any experiences...any expectations I should have concerning CS...I would be forever grateful.

Here is my real concern. How this new child will fit into our current life. My DH gets SD every other weekend. I have stated on several occasions he is being ripped off as he shares joint custody with BM. Every time he has tried to get her more BM has denied him. I know through the courts we could get this fixed but DH has a lot of reservations because his work schedule is sporadic. I also felt that if we had SD more she would feel less against her father later in life and would be able to get used to me more.

I do have to say...after reading many of these posts from you ladies...I have changed my mind. This does seem the best situation for our family - DH having SD EOW. Just for now. I know when SD is older she can choose to come over more and when her new baby brother or sister comes along she will probably be over more anyway. I would like to think BM would be reasonable as she seems to put her daughter's needs first that SD would be over more to see her new sibling. But I know that this could also be the nail in the coffin and that any niceties BM has been putting on the table these days could be taken away the instant DH and I conceive. Another bit of history...obviously DH has moved on with me...and BM is still very single. So I know this doesn't help matters and I really wish she would find someone cause I know she wants my DH back. Even though he has many years moved on already and would never go back.

For the ladies on here who started out as a step mom with NO children and then had children with their DH who already has children...what are your experiences? What do I need to watch out for? The in-laws don't like me very much. BM has done EVERYTHING she can to dig her nails into them and I haven't spent any time with any of his extended family (they all live out of state) but BM flies out of state FREQUENTLY with THEIR daughter on her OWN to HIS grandparents house. You would THINK this is a nice gesture on BM's part. But all of us on here know the truth. It's so she digs her nails into them so that if him and I start a family his extended family is going to be VERY CONFUSED.

These are my worries. How will my 6-year-old SD react to the new baby? I imagine she will be happy. But should I expect jealously? SD might have to share her room with the new baby too. I'm scared this will upset her and she will take it out on her sibling or me. I'm scared that BM will try to be really dirty once this happens. I know she never wanted my DH to be happy. I'm scared of how my in-laws will react and will they accept our child like they do his daughter? How will CS play into all of this? I already have assumed this just is how it is.

Any help or support would be great. I just want to talk to women who have been through this. I want to know what I'm in for. I'm in it forever of course...but I want to avoid any surprises. If s*** is about to hit the fan cause of this...every which way...I want to be prepared for it. This is the only thing that SUCKS about being with someone who already has children. There always seems to be someone who wants to take your happiness away. I want this to be OUR experience and I don't want his BM or family involved unless they are going to be 100% supportive. I know that's a long shot with BM and I get that and that's fine. I feel like the only person I should care about his SD. But again...thoughts? Thanks again for reading all this!