Stepdaughter Claiming Territory???
Hi, I'm a pretty new stepmother. I just got married last December. My stepdaughter (8 yrs old) does not live with us right now, but will be moving in with us in July. She spends weekends with us and I wanted to hear your thoughts on some behaviors I have noticed. Whenever my husband and I are sitting or doing anything together, SD inserts herself right between us. If she cannot get between us, she will drape herself all over my husband, either sitting on laying on him. I literally cannot get a few minutes with my husband without her trying to get between us or making sure she is even closer to him. She is otherwise a sweet child, well mannered and respectful. But this behavior is beginning to annoy me. Of course, my husband doesn't seem to notice or think its a problem and I have so far managed to resist saying anything. What are your thoughts? Am I being ridiculous?
Oh, one other question. I am
Oh, one other question. I am beginning to dread her moving in, if this is how things continue. I have no children and have been relishing the newlywed experience so far and dread its end. Our relationship takes a backseat on weekends. Any suggestions on how to make sure to keep the flame going between my husband and myself.
I guess it'll be me doing all
I guess it'll be me doing all that stuff!!! She is not very self-sufficient, even needs help having a bath. I can stomach doing these things for her, but I am very worried about how my marital relationship will fare. Thank you for your advice. I am a student right now, but plan on getting a full-time job soon, so these things definitely need to be discussed.
she is 8 and needs help
she is 8 and needs help taking a damn bath???? My nephew was taking showers by HIMSELF at age 4. The only thing his parents had do do was adjust the water temperature before he jumped in. And by age 5, he was adjusting his own water temp.
Does your SD and husband cosleep?
They don't but are very
They don't but are very physical with each other. It kinda makes me feel weird because SD is very tall, like my husband. At 8, she is almost just a few inches shorter than I am. It almost sometimes feels like there is another woman in my house.
Hi. Birthmother is not in
Hi. Birthmother is not in the position at all. My husband has sole custody. Birthmother calls and chats with SD on the phone a couple of times a week and has supervised visitation for maybe two weekends a year. My husband does not allow stepdaughter with birthmother alone at all. I will be a 100% full-time custodial stepmother.
So if she's not with bm, and
So if she's not with bm, and you guys only see her on the weekends now..... Who does she live with?
She lives and is homeschooled
She lives and is homeschooled by my husband's mom. BM was apparently going through a really hard time emotionally/mentally and was making all sorts of threats; thankfully she gave up custody. However all that went down when my husband was going through his residency training. He has had a crazy schedule and his mom has kept SD during the week for him. He is almost finished his residency and she will be moving in with us in a few short months.
Since you don't have children
Since you don't have children of your own, you actually have a bit of an advantage depending on how long this girls parents have been apart, if they were ever together, and if he's ever exposed her to other relationships. There's a couple of things you should consider and realize. First of all you won't love her unconditionally, as your own. You will not tolerate irritating things she does with a smile and simple, "oh, she's just a kid." Things like eat your leftovers in the fridge from a five star resaurant without asking, or pee in your bed. So don't beat yourself up about your true feelings.
Then you must realize that the father will, however, forgive her indescretions. He will make excuses or not even feel the need. He may act like the most annoying things she does are even funny or cute. That's just what we parents do. We wear rose-colored glasses. ESPECIALLY MEN. They will do anything to keep the peace with their kids, they don't see crumbs on the counter, they could care less who left out the milk and think chores are punishments. They are different.
So with that said, and as the other posters have mentioned, get the rules laid out for all of you. Who does what.
Now, regarding the advantage of having no kids...she has no competition for your heart. And to hang on her dad is sort of normal. Yah, she's pissing on territory. But girls do that alot even with two biological parents. Make her YOUR BUDDY. Make it you and her with him as a side dish. Your life will be much much easier. That's what moms and girls do.
Yep, yep^^^. Enjoy this time
Yep, yep^^^. Enjoy this time while it lasts.
You have gotten a lot of good
You have gotten a lot of good advice so far. Really have a good heart to heart with your husband BEFORE she moves in to clarify boundaries and expectations for SD, BM, and HIM.
I have started calling SD11 out on her actions. We were walking the other day and she practically shoved me off the sidewalk to walk next to her father. I embarrassed the crap out of her in front of him for it.
I am an "honesty is the best policy" type of person though, and don't hold much in when it comes to SD's behavior.
Thanks for all the responses!
Thanks for all the responses! A heart to heart is clearly in order. I want to think through carefully how I will approach this because as you guys said, that could easily go very wrong. And I want to make sure my husband will see my perspective on things. Does anyone have a really supportive and understanding husband on these types of issues? I want to bargain for (1) a strict bedtime so DH and I can have a bit of time alone each day, (2) a weekly date night, (3) a yearly break/vacation without SD, and (4) a clear articulation of who does what for SD. Is this reasonable?
It's reasonable to any sane,
It's reasonable to any sane, rational person but I fear your DH will soon turn into "GUILTY DADDY!" How does he react when she wedges herself between you to or drapes herself over him? Is he oddly flattered when it was clearly "adult time" and she had come in to "claim her territory?" How he reacts is the key to whether or not she will be allowed to break up your adult relationship (and yes they do this AAAAALLLLLLLLLL the time)