Some petty things....
A couple of mini battles... I'm just curious, which of you would let them go and which of you would fight them...
SO is here for w/e with SD15 and SS10. SD15 decided earlier this year she wanted to be a vegetarian. So had said, probably to shut me up, at the time that he and BM had spoken about it and had agreed that there would be no special provision made, meal-wise. She was too young to make a decision like this...she was 14 at the time... and they wouldn't cook special meals because they didn't want to encourage it. I agreed with that because I've always told my kids the same thing.
So SD comes last w/e and SO makes a pasta dish. He makes a tasty sauce with lots of fresh vegetables. He asks me to open some tuna.
When we sit at the table, there is no tuna on any of our plates. I ask him where it is and he says, well, I heated it up in a separate so whoever wants tuna can put in on the top of their pasta.
Now, my SO knows this will bother me and he does a LOT of deliberate provoking. A lot. Sometimes I see it coming and I can look the other way but sometimes even when I KNOW I'm being set up, I fall for it.
This time he actually said,"do you have a problem with that?" and hit face hit the floor when I said no. It made my blood boil but I refused to fall for his goading. My 4 kids and SS10 couldn't mix the tuna into their pasta because the plates were too small and it all just fell onto the table. He kept looking at me for a reaction and I stayed cool. SD15 saw all of this and gave me one of those "I win" smirks so I just kept on telling him how delicious it was, again and again.
Second battle:
SD took in a stray dog six months ago. At the same time, we moved house and SO found us a dog because the house was a little vulnerable to burglars. It was a SharPei. Gorgeous dog with such a good character. I now know that SO was so keen for me to get a dog because he was planning on moving out and that made him feel less guilty. Anyway, that's another story. At the time, he tried to get me to take the stray that SD15 had taken in and letting her have the SharPei. I said no. Now, it turns out that the dog SD15 took in is classed as a dangerous breed. She needs a licence to have it. Officially can't even have the dog, since she's not 18 and isn't allowed to take it for walks, etc. Let's not even get into the fact that he wanted to palm this dog off on me when I have kids to consider.
So calls a family meeting with BM. None of his business in my opinion because the dog lives with BM and SD15 and she has full custody. BUT he wants to teach SD15 a lesson about responsibility and knows BM won't lift a finger, so he gets involved. He harps on about how SD15 will have to find a new owner or he'll get the dog put down. He harps on about how he's not going to take the licence on in his name (though he DID actually consider it until I put him straight and pointed out that he would be the only one allowed to take it out for a walk) and how BM and SD15 need to find a new owner. He spends this whole week trying to find a new owner. SD15 and BM do nothing. He finally finds one today. SD15 hates him for it but she's not aware he was actually considering sacrificing the dog himself today if he didn't find one, so she's had a lucky escape and at least she can go and visit the dog in his new home. So, now that he found an new owner, he says, "thank God, because I was going to have to cancel my trip with the kids to spend the weekend with you because SD15 didn't want to leave the dog alone!!!".
So, I left both battles to the wind. Bigger fish to fry. I'm thinking that maybe it's because I can see the end of this relationship in sight and I'm not just disengaging from SD and SS but also from SO. Would you fight these battles? Just curious.
I wouldn't fight these
I wouldn't fight these battles if the relationship is ending.
Maybe your SO wants you to fight so he has an excuse for ending the relationship and making it all your fault.
He was planning on moving out? But he didn't, or he still is, or what?
No, he moved out but is
No, he moved out but is planning on moving back in*. I don't have the energy for these little battles but I'm just curious about how other SMs and SFs might view them.
* His version: as soon as he finds a good enough job nearby
* My version: If I don't find something better in the meantime : )
If you see the end of the
If you see the end of the relationship in sight and he's already moved out, what's the problem? Tell him it's over and move on with your life.
He sounds like a jerk.
And no, that's not too direct
And no, that's not too direct at all. He's been called a lot worse by my girlfriends, believe me!
I think he should have set
I think he should have set some sauce for SD aside, then made the meal with the tuna for everyone else. She's the one with the food issues, why should you be forced to take on extra work just because he's catering to her? He's not just catering to her... he's forcing the rest of the family to cater to her.
Although, it's really just putting tuna on pasta. I do the same for small containers of grated cheese...whoever wants some, takes some. Meh.
If I would have said anything, though, I would have said... Hey maybe next time if you're cooking a meal with meat, you can put some aside for SD so that me and the other 5 kids don't have to fiddle with adding the meat? It doesn't make sense to have 7 people manually top up their plate when there's one 1 person with the restriction.
Restaurants don't offer vegetarian meals with the option to add meat - they offer meat meals with the option of having it vegetarian. Why are you serving all of us her vegetarian preference, and forcing us all to add the meat?
The dog - not your problem.
That's what any normal person
That's what any normal person would have done...and which is why I know he was only doing it to goad me. I mean, would he just leave a pile of minced meat on a little plate for those of use who wanted in in their bolognese?
Wow, I miss my eldest bio being at home. As she got older, she would pull him up on stuff like that all the time without the fear of being accused of being an wicked stepmother! And because he got along really well with her, he would usually take it.
Fortunately, SD15 isn't coming this weekend because she wants to stay at home and say goodbye to her dog.
I cook in our household. I
I cook in our household. I like food a certain way.
I love spicy food. I also love salt.
but when I cook, I use minimal amounts of it... everyone can top up their own plates with extra crushed chili and add salt and pepper.
Much different than not adding...a main ingredient... lol
If it was really all over,
If it was really all over, I'd let my opinions fly free. "Oh we all have to become vegetarians since SD is one.Glad to see who your favorite child is." Really glad you didn't have to kill the dog because of BM and SD." What precisely do you have to lose by being direct. Think how free you would feel.
OMG. I think that if I
OMG. I think that if I started on that path, I'd let rip some almighty stream of ten years worth of petty and non-so-petty stuff and even MY kids would hate me! Three of my four quite like SD15 and SS10.
However, that is exactly what
However, that is exactly what he is doing.
I suggest doing the tuna
I suggest doing the tuna differently. It would take your SO's glee away and make the meal enjoyable for the other diners. I do have YDD17 who is not 'into' this or that but is quite willing to eat other parts of a dish. Some sauce with no meat should have gone off to the side for Ms Veggie and the bulk of the sauce (with the fish) meant for everyone else should be served as intended (pre-mixed and allowed to simmer flavors a bit on the stove).
Except for one small quart pan to keep SD's sauce hot and the few seconds to pour some sauce in the small pan alongwith a serving amount of the pasta noodles, there would be no going out of the way to accommodate Ms Veggie. Let Ms Veggie be the one sitting at the table trying to mix her sauce into her pasta. Yep, plain pasta served with a side of her tuna free sauce. Have a party kid. Kind of like when I serve tossed meat and assorted fresh vegetable salads as a side (or even main) dish, I just leave off whatever YDD doesn't want to eat and perhaps toss on something already cleaned and in the fridge that she got ready, or set the small bowls of topping out on the counter to make their own. YDD likes some vegetables I don't, but I don't discourage her from having and enjoying ( as long as she wants to do the prep work of washing and slicing.
You're not buying anything special nor planning your meal around the meatless person, just taking a tiny step to assure everyone gets things like tuna already in their sauce without the ridiculous scene of trying to later while served mix it in. And if the main meal is centered around a meat entrée some nights, pfft, no meat for Ms. Veggie, she can hopefully find a side dish. If everyone wants fried chicken, but one person doesn't eat chicken shouldn't mean you can't cook and serve fried chicken.
I'm not touching the dog battle. She should not have been allowed to bring the stray dog home.
ETA: I now see the tuna on side for SD was already suggested. Oops. Didn't mean to step on toes.
I also don't feel it's right
I also don't feel it's right for her to make this decision at 14. Three of my four kids have played with the idea of being vegetarians and I have told them all that I would respect that but not cater for it, other than doing as some of you have suggested, setting aside parts of a meal before meat is added. That said, I have advised them strongly against it until they were more mature, for health reasons. SD15 is SO pale. I don't subscribe to the idea that vegetarians are less healthy but when they don't have the economic freedom to adapt their diet accordingly, it can be complicated during adolescence. Just my view. My kids gave up the idea when they realised it meant extra effort. SD15 also enjoys the drama of being 'alternative...we've all been there! She was more than happy to wolf down two helpings of roast beef made by my mum recently... even though there was more than enough veg and potatoes to fill her boots.
My daughter is a vegetarian
My daughter is a vegetarian and it took some getting used to but after a while, not big deal. If we have hamburgers, she has veggie burgers, if we have taco's she uses what I call fake meat but honestly I tried it one night and it was pretty good.
If we have spaghetti and meat balls, I just put some sauce without the meat touching it in another sauce pan. It is a little added extra expense and a tad more work but really no big deal. At first I would forget and realize I had nothing for her for dinner but we overcame that and it has been about 6 years now. If going that route your SD needs to see a physician and a dietician to make sure that she is getting her proper nutrition in other ways.
As far as the dog, glad they found it a new home. Not the poor dog's fault. I think with people that sometimes they have the best intentions when it comes to pets but the do not realize the work and commitment that is needed. They don't do enough research.