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SD 25 AND GRAD SCHOOL....I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!!

no fairytale's picture

Submitted by no fairytale on Wed, 04/25/2012 - 11:27am

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SD 25 started Grad School this past year. My DH told both of his kids that he would pay for college but further education was up to them. So, SD goes straight to Grad School. The first year she takes out a loan and hopes for a GA for the second.
We have helped her with money through out this year because " She is a girl and needs it" words from my DH.

Now she says even if she gets the GA she will still need 15K. So what does DH say...... "Well you have come so far we do not want you to stop now. We will pay for that!"

He did not ever consult with me he just told her this!

Now we are not talking and apparently it is all my fault.

Are you freakin kidding me!!

O, I forgot the best part... a few months ago I said we need to start saving for my BS16 college... DH says " I need to worry about retirement we can not pay for college"..

CaveCanem's picture

Submitted by CaveCanem on Sat, 06/02/2012 - 10:42am

Same here. I was told that since my kids have college funds, that we may have to make 1 for that kid if the BM makes a big stink out of it. I pay for MY kids college fund, my husband doesn't put anything into it because his CS is so high he has no money leftover to do so. Because the BM is unemployed (by choice), she feels that it's not fair that the kid lives in "poverty" while we live off of a 6 figure income. I told her to get a job, she hasn't had 1 in almost 4 years! MY income pays for my children's college funds!

Delilah's picture

Submitted by Delilah on Wed, 04/25/2012 - 1:30pm

Fine let him ignore you. You know better who is to blame for this situation.

Time for talking has passed, your DH isnt prepared to discuss this with you BEFORE answering or agreeing to anything with his adult children...EXTREMELY disrespectful. He is also telling you he is prepared to use you in order to help fund his children's education while he wont reciprocate and even though it would be at YOUR children's expense.

Are you prepared to allow your DH to do this to you and your kids?

Personally I would decide upon a plan of action on how to force DH's hand, without discussing it with him. Why bother when you know he will not budge and blame you? Skip to the next step and seperate your finances. Calculate how much you have contributed financially towards his children's education over the years and tell your DH he owes you x amount, as your "BS is a boy and needs his mother to provide for his education...".

Your DH likely will refuse, so I would calculate how much you can claw back from your monthly contribution to the household bills/utilities and budget to make up for the shortfall, the amount you have personally contributed to his daughters schooling...you can use that cash for your own BS. I always treat others how they treat me. If DH refuses to give back what he has taken, then take it yourself.

Hell would freeze over before I allowed anyone to treat me and my family like that without a nice cold plate of just desserts, regardless if they too were "family".

Sounds extreme and I know you may be worried about what damage this would do to your relationship with DH if you took this hard path, however I would also be asking myself what damage DH has already done by how he is acting, how he is treating you and your children like second class citizens. Not to mention the damage he could do to your son, by agreeing to plow this money into further ed for sd instead of using that cash for your son!

P.S. If you do the above, you may also block your DH from giving money to sd! Its called karma!

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Submitted by Helena.Handbasket on Wed, 04/25/2012 - 1:58pm

So wait, DH, let me see if I understand you correctly. I have helped financially put your children through college. Even beyond the years of what was agreed to. Yet, now you say you will not reciprocate with BS?

If he doesn't see this, then there is no hope. I would just go back to work and say, well I have to save for my child's college education.
In addition, finances would become separate immediately. He pays his half and deals with finances for his own children. Same for you.

That sports psychology stuff is nonsense. Good luck to her finding a decent job. yes, I know enough about it. When I was in graduate school I got a stipend, but I took out loans for the extra. She's grown its her responsibility now.

It sounds like its time for you to take back some control in this relationship.

igiveup2's picture

Submitted by igiveup2 on Thu, 05/31/2012 - 11:26pm

Sounds to me you need to set money aside for your sons education, also for yourself just in case things dont work out. I made the mistake of putting my money with my husbands. He spent much on skids for stupid stuff, no education instead frivolous items and SS always wanted money. My son is now 21 and in the air force. He's extremely smart and has his goals set. For him it was better to get away from this town and his spiteful SB and SS. I have gotten good news though. He will be stationed an hour from here and will be able to come home on off weekends and I will be able to go visit and spend time just to get a break from here. THEY ARE EXTREMEly jealous of him. I don't know why? Maybe cause he is much younger.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 5:26pm

I am in the same boat and very angry over the situation with the OSD's grad school ambitions. DH took out about 50-60K for her Ivy League under-grad education with the assumption she was going to pay it back. (He did NOT co-sign her loans, she took out hers, he took out additional loans to help her, her name is not on them.) She spent a year abroad making the world a better place, playing at being Mother Theresa, saving the refugees in Asia, and now she is going for - get this - a Masters in Psychiatry !!! - a degree that does not exist in the US - she is getting it in Canada. She does not think she needs to work and pay back the loans that are growing 8% a year. Why waste your early 20s working??? That was her rationale... DH thinks she is such a star no rules apply to her. I feel like screaming!! I did not sign up for this! My solution is for her to take out other loans and pay off his, and then she can save the whole world for a while and whenever she gets around to paying them, i do not care. But to not even pretend to care that there is a burden of debt that is sitting there and growing is mind-blowing to me.

Of course it is easy to explain by the fact that DH and his ex accumulated mountains of debt while married, the house his ex got in the divorce has two mortgages on it, they had to raid his pension fund to pay off the credit cards when they divorced. I make less than him and save much much more - that is how we were able to get a mortgage to buy our house: i took it out; with his credit history, with SD's loans hanging around his financial neck like an albatross, plus the 2 mortgages on his old house - forget it! Add to that his 2 other kids who are in college and high school. Over my dead body is he taking out more loans for them. We do not have bio kids together, so i am not asking him to fund my boys' education, but to think about his own future. He is in his late 50s and when he retires ( in 3-5-7 years, who knows as his industry has a real problem with ageism) what will he live on? I support my two kids, help my mother and would like to take a vacation now and then. I feel like he is saying to his daughter, It's ok, honey, you do not have to work. And to me, go back to work, we need the money. Nice, ain't it?

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 5:48pm

I am always saddened to read these posts where "adult" kids are still feeding at the parental trough. It is a very bad situation when a spouse makes decisions about large amounts of money without even discussing it - there is a huge red flag as to who is running the show. n this case it's SD! And without being harsh, why in the world stay with a man who has that attitude? This will never change. After Grad School, then it will always be something else. It will be another trip, another grand adventure, another "needed" expense, and on and on. Until eventually your DH dies ... and then it will be a fight with you over inheritance!

ownedbypedro's picture

Submitted by ownedbypedro on Sun, 06/03/2012 - 7:13am

2Tired, it took me 21+ years to wake up and get OUT...after dh went and BOuGHT A HOUSE for skid & his wife - using...MARITAL MONEY!! I feel like a total MORON and should have it stamped on my forehead: I...AM...A...MORON.

My skid ran the show for our entire marriage - from the time he was 14 years old. He is now...let me think...he is 38 years old and still running the show -- only I am now OUT of the show - thank God and my lawyer!!!

You are SO RIGHT - that it will ALWAYS be "something else" - dh funds their entire Christmas every year, keeps a vehicle on the road for them, etc. etc. because they are always broke. And WHY are they always broke?

Because they refuse to go get FREE help with making a budget (I got them all the info years ago) and they refuse to stop buying every new dvd that comes out and wasting money in many other ways. Why should they when "dear old guilty dad" will always come to the rescue?

SAD, SAD, SAD - these situations. These "men" who bow to their kids at the expense of their marriages.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Sun, 06/03/2012 - 11:40am

Lots of good advice posted here, and things to consider, nofairytale. IMO, the first thing should be what kind of marriage do you want? Is the one you're in the best you can hope for? If not, then use ownedbypedro's prayer ... "Thank God [you are seeing the light] and [get a] lawyer"! Even if you aren't certain about your future with DH, it wouldn't hurt to run this situation by someone for some legal advice now. Forewarned is forearmed, and information you find out now may help you down the road. I wish you the best of luck, as it's going to be bumpy. IMO, I think the law allowing up-to 26 year olds to remain on parents' medical insurance only worsens situations where lazy kids don't want to get kicked out of the nest and become adults. In our case, a 24 year old SS who is a university graduate (in a high-demand field, no less!) yet does nothing and is not seeking a job, and in no hurry to do so since his mommy is fine with him sitting around her house without any ambition. As long as he has health insurance (which he has no problem using when he needs it) there is no reason for him to be self-sufficient and productive. I know health insurance was a STRONG motivating factor to remain gainfully employed throughout my early adulthood, as I was no longer able to be on my parents' policies!