question from new SM to BMs

Forums:

hello, i am 24 living with my bf, not legally married and I have no children. My boyfriend has a 4 year old son. He hasn't seem or spoken to the child since in about 3 years (we've been dating for almost 2). after constant nagging i finally convinced him that he needs to be part of his child's life. I think every child deserves love and attention from their parents if its at all possible. so my bf called the child's mom last week, everything went great, she agreed to let my bf see the kid and was even ok with me coming along (they live 5 hrs away and thou i'm a peaceful understanding person, i'm not stupid he's not going away for a whole weekend w/o me) I'm excited about meeting both the kid and the mother, but since she said the kid was shy and didnt take to strangers well i'm worried about overwhelming the child. He hasn't seen his dad in 3 years probably doesnt even remember him and i'm some strange lady tagging along. anyone have any ideas on how to make this a great meeting for the kid? I'm not to worried about the adults, we don't have to like each other we just have to be courteous and polite to one another. so, anyone have any advice for the initial contact?

I think you just opened a

I think you just opened a giant can of worms and hell.

Us stepmoms go into this with great intentions but they tend to backfire.

Exactly .. you said it much

Exactly .. you said it much more straightfowardly than I did!

If the kid is 4 years old and

If the kid is 4 years old and hasn't seen his dad in 3 years, it's more likely than not that he has no idea who this guy is. I wouldn't push my presence in this at all if I were you. You can attend on the trip, but I don't see why you'd need to be present to meet the kid. The child/parent relationship needs to develop before stepparent relationships do.

I don't think you know exactly what you've gotten into here either. Why force a man to start a relationship with his kid and ex when he clearly had no intention of doing so on his own? I hope it works out for the best, but I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you.

what you say makes sense and

what you say makes sense and yea i'll be there but dont intend to interact with the child, since the mother will be there i see it more as a meet and greet with her. as for why force, i'm not forcing him to do anyting, i simply stated to him that the man i fell in love with would never abandon his kid, family, or ppl who need him. If it's that easy to throw your own kid away, what should i expect when my looks start to go or when i'm not as interesting. I think that if he had refused to take responsibility for his son, our relationship wouldn't have lasted much longer. I mean if its so easy to forget about this kid, how do i know it wont be as easy to forget mine when and if we have them?

He hadn't spoken to the kid

He hadn't spoken to the kid in a year at the time you met him and started dating him. He hasn't changed that in the past 2 years. I would say that's exactly the man you met and fell in love with. By your own admission, he made contact with the ex because you were nagging him to do it.

Lots of red flags, IMHO.

^^^THIS. He had abandoned

^^^THIS. He had abandoned the child before you ever came into his life.

Honestly, I can see all kinds of trouble here and unfortunately, you brought it upon yourself.

I hope things work out for you.

I hope I'm wrong .. but this

I hope I'm wrong .. but this strikes me as a disaster waiting to happen ..

Violetsareblue said it

Violetsareblue said it perfect.

You should have left well enough alone.

^^^I agree with CLD0711

^^^I agree with CLD0711 here...

I think it should've been left to the dad to determine whether or not he wanted to have his son in his life, not have it forced upon him (or made to feel guilty).

And if he wants visitation/regular custody, your relationship will ultimately change into something you just may not want it to change into.

Just some thoughts to ponder: what was your main objective here? Was this for the betterment of your man's life or your relationship or ? And what happens if all of a sudden, dad becomes 100% custody holder of said child? Are you willing to step right into a motherly role at the tender age of 24?

before all of this happened

before all of this happened when my bf and first started living together (the relationship was serious) we both agreed that we wanted nothing to do with the kid, i was ok with that. over time, he would mention little things here and there, like he'd tell me he would play iron maiden to stop the kid from crying lol it mysteriously work (i think it scared the kid so bad he couldn't cry lol jk) but anyways he would bring the baby up and so i asked him if he missed his son, if he wanted to have relationship with him and he told me yes. well then i pitched a fit and told him that he had already told me we wouldnt have to deal with it. not my best moment, my bf regressed and stopped bring up his son. i was still ok with it for a while, but then it started to bother me. it seemed like he was finally coming around to wanting to do the right thing and because i reacted badly he froze up. i by no means blame myself, but i think he was just looking for a little support a little encouragement, mostly support. he's my age and so is the child's mom. we don't know what in the world we're doing or how to go about it. and i acted like a total bitch the first time he tried to do something for his kid. so now in the present yea i kinda nagged him, i let him know that i was wrong and so was he for listening to me and that he should be part of the kid's life. as far a being a full time mom, i don't really see that happening unless something tragic happened to his mom, in which case it would be no different than an unplanned pregnancy, minus all the gross stuff. of course i'm not ready for that. that's the reason i want to get along with the kid's mom. if we get to keep him over the weekend or something i want to be able to have his mom on speed dial to ask questions. i mean he's hers to raise and mold as she sees fit. i want to ask if the kid eats cereal or oatmeal for breakfast. is it ok take him to see a certain movie or was she planning to take him. i know his dad will have input of course but ultimatly its been her who's been around his whole life. i dunno what do u think?

I apologize I'm on the wrong

I apologize I'm on the wrong website, I don't need to vent I just wanted some constructive useful advice, like try going to a playground where the kid and his dad can interact or something like. thanks anyway

I think the playground is a

I think the playground is a great idea. That would be someplace the little boy will feel comfortable and it won't "force" too much closeness in this first meeting.

You're on the right website...this isn't always all about venting. There are many people on here who have happy relationships with their step-children and some even the BMs. The advice is valuable. Stick around!

Couple of things: You are

Couple of things: You are getting constructive useful advice, it's just not what you want to hear. Look, you are about to step into a difficult situation. There will be rewarding moments and trying moments. Only you can determine if its going to pan out for you. Being a step or a regular parent is far more than going to the park. This is a great site and you will find varied responses to anything you post, take what works for you don't sweat the rest. Best of luck.

I would much rather people be

I would much rather people be honest with me about what I'm facing than blow flowers and sunshine up my ass because it's nicer to hear or somehow less offensive.

You are opening a can of worms that you are clearly unprepared for. Best of luck to you .. once your step situation is full blown and you deal with the reality of the situation you created, we'll all still be here to help you through it.

I would do as the others have

I would do as the others have said and just stay in the background, don't do anything more than you feel comfortable with. I wouldn't initiate conversation with the BM, let her set the pace with that as well.

Out of curiousity, what is the reason that BF hasn't seen or spoken with the child in 3 years? Does he support him? I'm going to assume so, since he had a way of contacting the mother.

I really hope, if he is going to meet this child, that he sticks with it, for the kids sake. That boy is old enough now to know that his dad came back into his life, and to know when daddy goes back out. Is your BF doing this because he genuinely wants a relationship with his child or because you guilted him into it?

For your sake, establish boundaries and expectations from the start. If this kid is going to be a constant in your life now he, the BM and your BF need to know what the expectations and boundaries are.

Good luck, you'll need it!

no offense taken, i

no offense taken, i understand that it will be hard. i grew up with both my parent, but i have 3 half brothers. my mother and their mother never got along, my mom was always bashing their mom, even when my brothers were around. I dunno if their mom was the same way. I just know that I grew up thinking that if I even said hello to their mom, I was betraying mine. It put me in a difficult position and I didn't even have to see her, I can't imagine what that was like for my brothers. anyways I finally met my brother's mom a few years ago and she was the nicest lady ever. I dunno if she was just doing it to appease my brother or what but I just think that situation could have been handled differently. I intend to stay with this person until death do us part, as cliche as that might sound, he's integrating his child because he wants to not because me or the child's mom is forcing him to. I dunno why he stayed away for so long and I know he hasn't been helping financially, at least not since we've been together, and as a woman that irritates me. children are expensive and that girl did not make that baby by herself. I know the child's mother and I may never go beyond a polite interaction, but I'm willing to put my best foot forward. If i'm planning to spend my life with this man, why not just embrace the situation and make the best of it?

I give you a lot of credit

I give you a lot of credit for trying to make the best of the situation .. but many stepmoms on this site will tell you that even the best of intentions do not guarantee a peaceful or even tolerable situation.

Best of luck to you .. and keep us updated on how it goes!

Well good luck. I hope you

Well good luck. I hope you succeed in helping them reunite. But it will be a very hard road & I hope you're prepared for it because it's just not his kid you'll have to deal with, it's your man with his child that will be the toughest. And I truly hope the BM is equally as open & kind as you are. My daughter's SM is wonderful. My BM is a nightmare. I really hope you get a good one