OT: Poll - Reasonable or not?
I may be slightly biased here, so let me ask what you guys think. I'm going to try to stick just to facts and not allow my own opinion to color things. (This is not about my DH.)
Here's the backstory. Mom and Dad share custody with Dad getting the kids every weekday afternoon for an hour or so, and one weekend overnight a week. (It's a custom set up, every has seemed happy with it. Kids are BS5 and BD4.) Dad smokes cigarettes and drinks alcohol. I don't know if he's technically an alcoholic, but my gut feeling is that he is. (He says he drinks a fifth of vodka a week, and he smokes around 1 pack a day.) Mom and Dad have been seeing a therapist (separated, but not divorced - yet).
The therapist told Dad yesterday that he needs to give up drinking cold turkey. (Dad had been saying he was "trying to cut back" but it wasn't working.) Last night, Dad sent Mom a text saying that he was going to quit both drinking and smoking cold turkey. In order to increase his chances of success, he will not be seeing her or the kids at all this week.
So what do you think? Is Dad's plan reasonable?
"I think the entire situation
"I think the entire situation is uber controlling."
How so? Not sure what you mean...
Yes. I'm thinking long term.
Yes.
I'm thinking long term. If he continues to smoke and drink, he will find himself in an early grave and their kids won't have a father AT ALL. Better to sacrifice a few hours of visitation now so he can get his health on track. That's a no brainer to me.
If he can do it, then that is
If he can do it, then that is good for him. I think that he should look into getting help for the drinking, maybe a 12 step program and maybe a step down program for the cigarette smoking.
If he was trying to cut back and that wasn't working then quitting cold turkey will be really hard. Good luck to him and I give him kudos for recognizing that he has an issue.
I also agree with drac0, that a few days or even weeks of not seeing his kids now may be the best for everyone in the long run. It is better for him to get his stuff right now, then not have a later.
I can only comment from
I can only comment from family experience.
Many, many years ago, my uncle was a drinker and smoker. (Medically he is also very very ill). His doctor told him ti stop cold turkey alcohol andoesn't carel forms of smoking for health reasons.
Two days later, his brother walked in the house to see my uncle sitting at the table with a gun at his head. My uncle discharged the gun away from both of them and told his brother to "get the hell out".
My uncle didn't end up killing himself, but the doctor got reprimanded for not offering a support system to my uncle.
Alcohol and tobacco--although legal are still drugs and can still totally screw up how the body works, the brain thinks.
It may not be a bad idea for the dad to not have his kids around during this time...but he should have SOME kind of support system...
Also my uncle still smokes, he never could quit. And now with his extremely bad health still declining (and no one knowing how he has lived 30+ years with this horrible disease) he says he doesn't care at this point how he dies-his disease or lung cancer...although he is no longer suicidial.
Wow! That is pretty scary.
Wow! That is pretty scary. Almost unbelievably scary. I too have an uncle who smoked and drank too much. Doc also told him to quit and he struggled, but he never went off the deep end like your uncle did.
For some people, quitting one
For some people, quitting one vice means they have to quit all. For other people, it's harder to quit more than one thing at a time and they have to start with the worst of two evils.
As far as quitting cold turkey, some people cannot just cut back or stair step down, they have to stop altogether.
Whatever works, but it sounds like he does need a support system if cutting back on the drinking was not something he could do on his own.
So, he does not want to see her or the kids for a period of time because they are triggers for him and/or cause stress? Then it's probably the right thing to do for now but he's going to have to learn to deal with stress eventually.
cold turkey is best. but it
cold turkey is best.
but it sometimes flat-out doesnt work for certain types of people. i think it's reasonable for him to try. but i dont think a week is going to do it.
he could also try hamsnetwork.org.
Yes, a week is very
Yes, a week is very optimistic!
I should mention that the
I should mention that the therapist did recommend that Dad talk to his GP before quitting. In addition to the concerns you mentioned, the therapist felt he should talk to his prescribing doctor any potential effects quitting drinking could have on medications that Dad currently takes.
Dad has tried to quit smoking
Dad has tried to quit smoking before (obviously didn't work). Quitting smoking sucks ass and is ridiculously hard. (Guess who is currently back on the "I don't smoke" wagon? *lol*) Actually, Mom thinks he should NOT quit smoking right now, that it might be better to tackle just the drinking. She hasn't told him that, since she feels he needs to decide what's best for him. I tend to agree with her though.
Up until that text Dad has said he will not stop drinking, that it's "part of who I am".
Additional information. Dad has a history of abdicating he responsibilities and also of "punishing" Mom for "forcing" him to do things he does not want to do. A perfect example is the night he left. He came home from the bar at 2 am and woke Mom up to scream at her for not doing the dishes before she went to bed. He then packed a bag and left her. Since then he has been telling the kids that he wants to come home and it's all up to Mommy when that will happen.
Does that change anyone's view? Not that it has to. Mom and I - obviously - are inclined to view this in a poor light because of past behavior. I'm actually somewhat encouraged that this particular incident might NOT be more dickish maneuvers, and might in fact be legit. Because I was reading this as him using the kids to "punish" her. Hurt them to hurt her. Maybe he actually will quit drinking? This could be sincere?
Alcholics can absolutely die
Alcholics can absolutely die with withdrawl symptoms.
I'm a recovering alcoholic,
I'm a recovering alcoholic, and both sides of my FOO is loaded with them. The truth of the matter is, he's saying "leave me alone during this difficult time so I can go cold turkey" so he can go on the mother of all benders.
Ahhh. Well, one can
Ahhh. Well, one can definitely do that in a week!
I hadn't thought of that.
It depends on the person. My
It depends on the person. My dad quit smoking cold turkey. Never went back. My uncle quits smoking about once every five years. My aunt hides that she hasn't quit. I have a friend whose liver is almost non functioning and he's quit drinking several times and gone back to it via a major rager. I've let that friend go because the attitude and drama and the yo-yo between drunk and sober was exhausting.
It could be he wants to detox, it could be he wants one last major blowout before giving up. It could be a game.
The only thing is to wait and see.
If dad thinks he needs to
If dad thinks he needs to keep the kids away while he detoxes, that should be respected. He should also find at least one meeting a day to go to, two if he's really struggling.
Agreed. A major aspect of
Agreed.
A major aspect of addictions is the 'habit'. I'll speak to smoking since i have first hand knowledge. I quit cold turkey. It was planned and I had a date in my head when it was going to happen and just before i quit, i smoked my brains out on the beach in Jamaica with friends.
On the flight home from Jamaica, I threw away any cigs I had left. That was 4yrs ago. Once home I had to completely change up all of my routines because they were smoking triggers and habits. NOt seeing kids may help break habits and form healthy new ones.