Thank you for your support silent nites.
I have resigned myself to wait it out.
Today is her birthday. I sent her an ecard and posted Happy Birthday on her DH's debil page.
I have reached out several times since this began with no reply from her. Not even a Merry Christmas text.
This is the first Christmas and birthday since she was born that we have not connected.

Lovnlife I am sorry that your family relationships are not well. I can relate very well as I have lost my two sisters to their drug additions and toxic behaviors. I too was the peacekeeper, go along to get along in my family. I was the middle daughter, just as my daughter is a middle child.

Perhaps she took the letter to be all about my feelings, only she can say and she is not talking. Like I said, my husband reviewed it and did not find it to be inflammatory in light of what had gone on. We were visiting for my GD birthday party that was being held at their house. My DH and I came a day early to help with the preparations. My DD's husband had called us on our way down to see when we would arrive because she was freaking out about getting everything done. We arrived, I helped prepare food, my DH kept GD busy playing when she got up from her nap, everything seemed to go smoothly. I spent an hour washing up the kitchen while they both put GD down for bed the night before the party. One of the complaints my DD had was that I was done helping when GD got up from her nap...but I wasn't...she just thought her DH cleaned the kitchen that night.

I do not feel I parent my adult daughter. If I overstep it was certainly unintentional. I tell her all the time what a good mom I think she is with her daughter. I do not give her disapproving looks. If my concern and pat on the shoulder was taken as such I have no control over that.

I have reached out to her, I listened to what she had to say. I am not a person to have everything be about my feelings. But a relationship is about two sides of the story... Both sides matter. It is my life too. Why should I accept my daughter snapping at me like that? Am I only good enough to help clean up and prep for the party, but not good enough to offer my support with the child?
My mom is not perfect...but she is my mom and I respect her and know that she loves me. I would never dream of shunning her like this. If I was upset with her I may say hey mom I need some time and will call you later. She is 74... Later may be too late, so instead of treating her like my sisters do, I choose to appreciate her and keep in touch.
There are no winners in this...nor any heros. There are just people who should be able to talk to each other and work it out.

Goodtimes thank you for your support. I decided to reply to each post on its own.

I feel your statement is so true.

"The more people in your kids lives who love them and have their best interests at heart the better."

I don't know what has happened with the younger generations who want do everything on their own and push away the extended family.
Times have changed so much.

Thank you Longtime SM. I did send a birthday card ....maybe tomorrow I will call one of her girlfriends to ask them to make sure she is ok.
My DD does have OCD traits and is stubborn too. I guess she is holding a lot of resentment in.
I know she has been drinking a lot and her DH does too...he was very drunk by the afternoon at the party. I thought not good for a kids party, but I did not criticize

In the future I would only go to visit when invited and keep it brief. I will drive home again if necessary. It was like walking on eggshells. I just wanted to leave after she snapped at me. Perhaps I would have it if had not been so late and a snowstorm going on.

Thanks for your perspective. It is getting very late. I can't sleep most nights with this going on in my head.

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Thank you for your comment tog. I believe time is the only solution for now.

Thank you for your perspective furkidsforme. Everyone has a right to be heard in a relationship. I listen to my daughter and have respected her wishes about planning visits, staying out of her way if she is disciplining her child, etc. I raised my daughter, I know how Independant she is and I am proud of her for that.
Living farther away like I do I doubt you would find anyone who would say I meddle in her life.
I am sorry that is the experience you have with your MIL.
Working out boundaries in relationships takes honest and loving communication. It is a lifetime process that evolves throughout the stages of the relationships.
I cannot write the whole story of my life here with my DD for you to gleam more of an opinion.
I waited a month before writing about this here in despair over the situation.

Thank you for writing overworked mom.
I am excited to have a grandchild who knows me. I do want to be there for her unlike my parents who where too far away across country when my children were little.
My DD ( not SD) has been obsessive compulsive about things. She has been overwhelmed with dealing with the moods of a toddler. I have been there in a supportive role for her. I don't tell her how to raise her child. If she asks for advice I offer some from my experience and she takes it or leaves it.

To clarify the gift issue. I was out shopping and called my DD to ask for a suggestion on what to buy as I know she is particular about what toys are going to be in their small house. She suggested a particular brand of items. It did not seem to matter when we spoke if I got them.. The GD loved the items and was happy playing with them. It was not a boat load of stuff. There were some clothes and puzzles too. The clothes really for the parents benefit as 3 yr olds can care less about clothes for presents.

I agree with your mom that my DD should not try to tell me how to act as a grandmother when I was acting out of love and care and not trying to be malicious or undermine her in any way. In this way she was overstepping my life and when I tried to have a conversation about it all she cuts me off to punish me. If you look up the Wikipedia definition of shunning you see what a harmful thing it is to use against a family member. It is akin to mental torture. I put up with that from her dad. I don't bend so easily anymore.
I will give her time and not force myself on her. I don't want to be where I am not wanted. Do I feel sorry for myself...sure. I am still a person too.

Thank you Azure. I understand how you feel. I raised three kids practically on my own as my XDH was involved in his career and hobbies and was a jerk as a father. I moved away from my family to be with him and we were close to his family in distance but the relationship was more superficial. My XMIL doted on the grand kids but we only saw them at holidays and family events as they lived a few hours from us.

I knew what it was like trying to travel with young kids and I made the decision to be the one to travel while my GD was little so she would know me. I would make it a nice time to visit with my DD with time to talk or help her paint a room or go out to lunch or shopping. We got along great.

I hope we can work this out too. I just don't know how to work out something if she will not talk to me.

Perhaps your relationship will improve with your mother over time. When my daughter first had the baby and was going to go back to work she had the thought that I would travel down each week to provide free child care one of the days. I was not working and had I lived nearby I would perhaps have done this. I think she was upset with me that I would not agree to her plan and they made another.
I am older and do not have the stamina to provide all day child care....nor do I think that is a grandparents responsibility but fine if they are willing.
I would love to live closer and do regular activities like going food shopping and meeting for lunch or at the park. Some of the fun stuff in life. I try to do some of that when I visit with her.

Thank you for your reply jumanji. Your point about the bed time routine is taken. Perhaps I did not see it that way...again I was trying to be helpful at the end of a long day. My DD's own husband had made comments how stressed my DD was about the party and I was not meaning to overstep. In retrospect I think she was stewing already because she had thought I had not helped her enough with the food prep and cleaning the night before. Which she did not know until the phone call that I was the one who cleaned up the entire kitchen to have it ready for the next day. I heard what she said on that and told her I would stay out of the bedtime area in the future.(There have been several times when I have stayed with them that they had me come in to sit with them and listen to the bedtime story or even help read to GD). So how am I to know when I am crossing the line if it keeps changing?) This is her first child and my first GD...it is a new territory for both of us.

The letter was an email....in that same light...she could have told me her grievance in person before I left the morning after the party instead of the next day on the phone. I was trying to communicate...now she has shut it all off.

I did not give my daughter a copy of Dr Spock...she selected her own parenting books. But I was there at her request when the baby was born. I helped her get home from the hospital and get settled and then went home so she could bond with her baby and husband without me around....even though originally it was planned for me to stay several days longer. She appreciates that is what happened at the time.

I am posting my problem on a forum to get different perspectives and try to make some sense of it all.
Thank you again for your comments.

Thank you Jsmom. I hope you are right and that it will resolve with time. I know it is a process.
It is good to hear that your relationship with your mom worked out in time.

Thank you Rags. Your wisdom is always so down to earth in the comments I have seen on s-talk.
The gift issue was perplexing to me. My response to her was basically what you said...why did she tell me something
that was on her list. Since the birthday is 10 days before Christmas she said after the party that they always wait to get gifts for her after they see what she is given for the birthday. Of all the millions of things in a store for a 3 yr old I would have bought something else.
And who bitches about gifts anyway? They are gifts...I provided gift receipts...they could be returned or given away.
I don't know why she was so upset about it. Other people brought gifts...some more expensive than what I selected. Did she gripe at all of the other guests too?
She is an adult of course but I am still her mother and I don't expect to be treated this way. I think you are right that it is her issue now...I have done what I can to reach out to her.

In my original post I kindly requested no 'brow beating'. I think you misread my post. I did ask her what gifts would be ok to give...down to what brand. She did not make clear that it was something she was considering. I was in a store when I called to ask about it.

You have made assumptions about my life and decided to call names and bet your last red cent even. Please don't bother reading my post or commenting if you are going to project your hostility. You know nothing about my XDH and the situation of my marriage with him...and my son did not block me...so you misread that.
People do shun people all the time for no reason other than the emotional abuse it inflicts on the other person. It is called the silent treatment usually and is a passive aggressive tactic.

You offer an apology at the end of your very negative post saying that if you are wrong you are sorry. Like I said in prior comments I cannot write the whole story of my life here. I appreciate the comments of everyone and some of yours would have been better off left as constructive critisim without the added hostility and judging of my whole life based on a few bits of what I posted.

You are off base and if you are truly sorry please refrain from posting further abusive comments such as the one above about your percieved red flags.
Thank you.

See my other comments to Bea.

Everyone is not shunning me. It is just my daughter.

'Where was the "I always or I DO not interfere with my daughters right to parent, I always or I have asked about gifts and visiting at her house" and I respect her as a mother and daughter.'

These statements were in my email to my daughter...I always tell her how great a mom she is, I asked about what gifts would be appropriate and I always ask ahead of time when planning a visit.

I have not to my recollection ever posted anything on here about my DD...as before this everything was fine. I have posted in the past about issues with SD's...as this is a step parent forum.

So just working my way thru all the comments. Again you may feel free to move on to being pretty soft in your replies to other issues on this site.
You are not trying to be helpful or even to have a conversation with me...you are just posting opinionated judgemental comments about a stranger you don't even know.

One who kindly asked in the beginning for the abscence of negativity such as this.
People like you are the likely the reason more people just lurk on these boards instead of posting to seek answers for their problems. And yes even compassion....because last I heard...compassion was a good thing.

So Rags calls you out for your harsh comments and you feel the need to come back and defend that you are not jaded because you have such a wonderful life.

I think he was right...you are jaded and decided to attack me today.

You know nothing about the pattern of my life, you are not a trained therapist. Even if you are...you are not mine.

And no you did not write my post. I did ...so stop hijacking it and go make your own post about your wonderful life.
It must be so great for you to be hanging out on STalk.

In your own words from your tag line....
I'd rather be alone then to spend one second being unhealthy with you.

So go be alone and leave me to myself. Thank you.