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The Initial Vent...

GamerDad's picture

Submitted by GamerDad on Wed, 09/09/2009 - 12:14am

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I should have started venting 9 years ago.

I am a stepparent, and I hate it.

I tell all my single friends to NOT marry someone with kids.

I get undermined and deflated by my wife (BM) when it comes to issues with my SD.

All of my efforts to be a "parent" have been a complete waste of my time.

I HATE it when people tell me I should love/like my SD as much as my 2 bio kids. It's ignorant to make a statement like that, when each situation is different, so stop saying it.

My wife would rather ignore problems and wait it out until my SD is "18 and out of here", which, of course, is stupid.

Yes I've told my wife that ignoring problems is stupid.

I've thought about leaving my wife many times because of my misery stemming from being a stepparent.

I love my 2 bio children with all my heart and soul. They are the reasons I've stuck around, because seeing them every other week would wreck me.

I've had many, many, many talks with my wife about my frustrations, annoyances, anger and pain from being a stepparent. To no avail, obviously.

I am happiest when I am around my two bio children. They keep my spirits high and I love them more than the world itself!

That felt good. It's waaaay negative, but it's real.

Thanks
K

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Wed, 09/09/2009 - 8:27am

Insert husband where you said wife, and our situations are identical! DH and I have been together for 11 years, married for 8. He has a daughter, 16, and we have two daughters together, 6 and 3. And DH is the one telling me I should love SD16 like I love my own. Not going to happen! What I have discovered over the years is that I'm harder on my biokids than I EVER was on SD, and yet DH was always stepping in and stopping me from disciplining SD and he wouldn't dare do that with the BDs.

Let it all out! Being on here helps me so much!

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Thu, 09/10/2009 - 9:27am

and say it's impossible to love another man or woman's child as your own, IF YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER THEIR BEHAVIOR. When they were little and still around, I loved my nieces like they were my own, because when they were with me I was allowed to control their behavior. I am not an ogre, I am very nice to but "straight" with kids. Behavior A leads to consequence B. And my nieces totally got that. Nobody thought I was "mean" or "picking on them." That's really the only reason I went into this situation with DH and SD. I'd never experienced anyone second-guessing my motives with a child. But DH did it, and SD bought right into it. When she was 8, SD used to reprimand me for not washing her laundry fast enough! Excuse me? I'll wash it when I get to it, and you will just have to deal with that. BD6 would never dream of saying something like that to me.

GamerDad's picture

Submitted by GamerDad on Wed, 09/09/2009 - 5:15pm

Thanks for the replies folks... I know I am not alone with this, and there are many others experiencing the same situation(s).

My SD is 16, and my bio children are 7 & 5.

I'd notice myself being harder on my bio kids, and at one point I felt like all the frustrations that pertained to my SD were being directed at them. Fortunately I realized this quickly and shifted gears, and it's no longer the case - my frustrations with my SD go right where they need to go...

Statements from my wife like "Well, I'm just glad she's not on drugs or pregnant." is what I'm dealing with. My responses are always "How about having more constructive expectations from her, to encourage growth and responsibility... as opposed to celebrating that she hasn't reached the depths."

It's as though my expectations of her (SD) learning to be responsible for her actions (and inaction) are off-base and ridiculous... And it's not as though my expectations are unattainable and difficult.

Counselling? We've talked about going a few times, but ultimately don't. I don't have a lot of faith in anything changing after going. We'll see...

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Thu, 09/10/2009 - 8:14am

In our case, the BM said as long as SD doesn't get pregnant, she can do anything she wants. How's that for expectation?! DH is just as bad. He's OK with ALL her negative behavior and can't bring himself to reprimand her for pretty much anything.

We went to counseling, and it did help some. The counselor told my husband I was in a no-win situation and that if he wanted to be the one "in charge" of discipline, he needed to step up to the plate and actually discipline SD when needed. Unfortunately, he wasn't willing to do that...