I'm a stepmom about to walk into a hot mess. (long story)
Hi, I'm new to this site, and I'm really lost right now. I'm getting married in July. My future husband has two children that he had at a very young age and has a very rocky relationship with both of them. We're in the process of trying to put the whole family dynamic back together again.
One child, let's call her Sophie, is currently living with her maternal grandmother. Her mother passed away at a young age and my husband didn't know about her. She was grew up believing another man was her father.
Even though I believe her grandmother loves her dearly, she's doing an awful job raising her. She's 10 years old and extremely unruly. She doesn't get along with others, she's disrespectful, stays up until 5 in the morning, goes where she wants, and isn't happy unless we're talking about her ALL the time. She's also a drama queen, always going on about people trying to kill her and things like that. One time she even told us she went to the ocean once with her grandma and a shark attacked her. Not true, not even a little. She gets out of everything by throwing the pity party about her moms death.
We want to start working on getting custody of her a few months after the wedding, so we can raise her right, and getting into therapy. I think if she has someone to talk to that won't pass judgement on her it might help her a lot.
Having no kids of my own, I'm have to admit I'm completely at a loss as to what to do. I guess to sum it up, I have two questions:
1)Does anybody know of a website or something that can help me learn how to correct an unruly child?
2)Does anybody have any advice to help the child respect me as a possible guardian in her life, but not make her resent me? :?
I think your partner needs to
I think your partner needs to be discussing his plans with grandma and SD at some point needs to know what you two are planning as it is her life that is about to be uprooted. I am sure she loves being with grandma and not having any disicpline in her life, what 10 year old wouldn't.
Your partner already has a rocky relationship with the children expecting her to comply beautifully with all your plans for your life is going to be a very big ask. Maybe too much. So I would start by leaving her with grandma and all of you having some couselling to help with the transition from grandma's to dad's house eventually.
"Your partner already has a
"Your partner already has a rocky relationship with the children expecting her to comply beautifully with all your plans for your life is going to be a very big ask. Maybe too much. So I would start by leaving her with grandma and all of you having some couselling to help with the transition from grandma's to dad's house eventually."
^ GREAT advice ^
I would add that it would be best if Grandma would attend the sessions as well.
Otherwise, you are going to push YOUR agenda on this child and she is going to resent the hell out of you. She may not even hold her new Daddy Dearest responsible. But YOU will be a very easy target.
And that will be the exact moment that you only had a rudimentary idea of what "unruly" really is.
This child may be doomed. Sad, but true.
Good luck.
You need to stay out of this.
You need to stay out of this. This is between the dad and the grandmother and daughter. Until he asserts himself in her life and starts a turnaround with her, you shouldn't be involved in anyway. If you get involved, she will hate you and resent everything you try to do for her. It will be ugly....Trust me....Ugly teenage girls have almost destroyed my family and my husband. She may be ten now, but when she thinks there is another woman trying to tell her what to do that is not related in anyway, she is going to rebel hard. She already isn't listening to grandma and they are related. What makes you think it would be any better with you?
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the input. I really appreciate it.
In the court papers from a few years back it was stated that once a relationship was formed with my husband and the daughter she would be moving back, but I'm not actually sure if she knows that or not. I'll sit down and talk to them. I was unsure if that would be wise or not with an inevitably ugly court battle coming, but you all are probably right.
I would like to note that she does generally listen to the grandmother, it's just that the grandma never disciplines when it's needed. For example, yesterday when we dropped her back off at grandmas. She put a piece of sour gum in her mouth, threw the wrapper in the grass, and then spit the gum out in the grass, and just left it there. The grandma watched her do it and said nothing. She's 10, she should know better.
I know that we don't have to take her, and the husband has definitely been making an effort to fix things, I just can't watch her spiral to the ground if there's something I can do to stop it. I can see where it's leading and it's not good. Everybody on the fathers side of the family openly favors the other stepchild because she's a 'sophisticated young girl'. It's awful.
I agree with many of the
I agree with many of the other comments about this, you need to stay out of it until dad can build a relationship with her, and forcing here to live with you both before the relationship is more solid could spell a huge nightmare. I am sure you want what is best for this girl, but right now staying out of it is most likely best. I am not sure if the girl has had any counselling for her mothers death, but she really should. I lost my mother when I was 10, my sister was only 4. My sister for her whole life has sought out attention and I think that may be what this girl is doing. I would suggest you and your hubby to be read the book "motherless daughters" it will give you some insight as to issues this girl will have growing up, and when she is older in her teens, I would suggest giving the book to here to read. It will help her to know she is not alone in what she is feeling in her life because she does not have a mother.
This^^^^ I have seen many
This^^^^
I have seen many situations similar to yours which have ended up in the divorce courts.
I think if DH is serious about this then getting her counselling now, seeking family therapist assistance in ensuring dad is both loving AND on top of sd's behaviour is important BEFORE anything happens.
I wish you good luck. You are going to need buckets of it!