You are not a "bad sp" what you are feeling & experiencing is normal. It is not easy by any means to "love a child like they are your own". I don't have much else to say to you ( as I am in the I don't like my skid group LOL) other than what you feel is normal and don't beat yourself up about it. It will happen in time, maybe not full blown love, but if you are willing to work on it and put in a real concerted effort to like/love these kids then it just might happen for you!

What is it with these parents that expect other to love their children unconditionally? Not to say it can't happen but it's actually pretty rare when it does. And no one can force themselves to love another unconditionally.

I think it's often a product of a parent who feels guilty that their original choice of partner did not work out and they want a "do over" and to pretend like the new spouse is just as good for the kid as the original mistake partner. The new spouse may in fact be light years better for the child but probably will never love them as much as a bio parent.

I just want to say "are you brain dead" to anyone who says "I expect others to love my child like it was theirs".

I don't think you're a bad step-parent at all. My Ss5 is a really friendly smart kid so it'd be hard not to like him. I feel about the same as you do, when he's in our home I care for him and I try to make sure we have something planned to do with him so he feels welcome and like it's his home too but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy/relieved when he goes back to his mom. I'm about the same as you also in the sense that when he's with his mom I don't worry about him the way I would imagine my Dh does being that Ss is his biochild. I love my Ss also like a distant nephew... I care about him about the same as I do about my cousins kids or my friends kids.

I think it says a lot that you at least want to be a positive influence to ensure they grow up to be a positive influence on society, and work hard to do so. I just hope your wife appreciates that all the time because I know with my DH it will go through thankful cycles.

I don't think we can ever love Skids like bio-parents want, but you have to realize that and know that you are doing your best. I also feel the disconnect with my SS is at BM's it is almost like I live an entirely different life - and he is BM's responsibility and sometimes DH will mention something about like him being sick and I will have a little bit of "feeling bad" for not asking about him but it happens it is a fine line, but you must know and have the confidence you are doing your best.

... when they are at BMs...

Usually that is the most peaceful time.

Since I don't have bio kids of my own can't 100% say I understand, but I know when I first met my h's dd's I wanted very much to have a close loving relationship with them both....sort of like I felt about my own sf - more of a Bonus parent.

I think it's possible for step-parents to love their skids, maybe not on the same level as their own but still care greatly

On the other hand it happens all the time where a step-parent just doesn't, despite all their good intentions and truly wanting too. Doesn't make them a bad step-parent (especially when they are as giving and kind as you sound to be with yours!)

You love who you love. It's how you treat them that matters

I don't love anyone like I love my BS.

I care very much about SS14, but I don't love him like he's mine.

I have no positive feelings toward SS8 anymore. BM destroyed all that.

That being said, any child in my home, any child I'm caring for, will be treated decently regardless of my feelings. I'm not an ogre.

You can't force yourself to feel something you don't feel, and not loving skids like you think maybe you should is completely normal.

I used to like mine... then she started being a real PITA to my DH and I hate seeing it. He takes it and I feel bad for him, then resentment started to build.

Now I have to grit my teeth and bear it when she's around. Luckily, her BM won't let her be around me ATM, so win- win...

I'm super close to my friend's children- I call them nieces and nephews. In the past when SD13 has been mean to them- I wanted to squeeze her throat... These are children that I've known since birth, fed bottles and changed diapers. These are children that are respectful and encouraged to foster healthy bonds to other people. SD13 is a only encouraged to love BM and god forbid anyone else.

You're not a bad step at all. You want them to grow up to be responsible adults- this is admirable!

I agree with almost everyone. Your not a bad Step. Trust me, I know A LOT of steps that treat their skids like trash and their bios like kings/queens.

With my SD2 it was a fake it til you make it kind of thing. I started getting more involved in her life when she was only 8 mo old. At first it felt like I was just the sitter, then I learned to love her. Then 9mo later I had my first Bio. It is definitely a different kind of love. I can tell the difference with my FH as well (my first bio is not my FH's bio.) And I see that he is trying to love her as much as my SD and our together child. But I'm not going to force it. As long as he treats her fairly, like I said, I'm not going to try and force him to love her like he dose with his other girls.

Its not an uncommon thing for Step parents to feel. Just don't beat yourself up about it.

It is a different type of love. I love my step sons but I realize, they have their own mom.
I realized something over time,
Although my vows were to my husband, my commitment to be a loving role model and a good influence also extends to his children. If I want my marriage to work, it means building a relationship with his children, they are a part of him and I love every piece of my husband, body and soul. I would never dare harm him in any way therefore I would never dare hurt an extension of him. I love my step sons, yet I realize it's a different type of love, I desire most in life that these boys grow up to be healthy, happy, and good people.

You are way ahead of me. I can't effing STAND my skid....his BABY MOMMA has crawled out from her heroin induced state, and is coming to pick him up this weekend.....if she forgets to bring him back....aaah, one can only dream! Good luck, it seems like you don't HATE them, I think that's the best she should expect.

I don't love my SD at all. I provide food, clothing and shelter for her and I am nice to her. But I don't love her.