Help me understand; need advice
I am trying really hard to put myself in DH shoes, but it's just not possible. His son has brought nothing but drama and negativity into our house since he moved in full time, and was never easy to deal with even when he only visited during summers. DH blood pressure is through the roof and his anger is barely under control. Our 3 yr old BS often says "Daddy's mad", and is starting to shy away from him, and he scared our BD1 yesterday with a nasty angry outburst.
Why does he insist on giving SS chance after chance when, after counselors, tests, therapy, and a million discussions, nothing has changed? I told him after a previous outburst that I wasn't going to do another 3-4 years of this--I don't care who SS lives with as long as he's out of our house. He agreed. Now he's back to wanting to try another form of therapy and "give him a chance".
I can't stand my SS. He's a creepy, weird, bad-mannered, self-centered clueless jerk, and always has been. I hate how he has transformed our calm happy house and marriage into a negatively charged nightmare, and I especially hate the impact it is having on the little ones. The worst part is, DH is putting all his energy into trying to discipline a child who doesn't give a shit about anything but himself and our little ones are getting what's left over--exhaustion and a short fuse. I don't want them growing up with this version of their father--he was never like this before SS moved in full time.
I think I am going to pack an emergency bag in case DH temper flares again. I'm ready to pick my battle with him, but I want to choose my words wisely and come from a logical place. How do I tell my husband that it's time to let SS15 move back in with his BM or BM's mother like he wants (she still has primary custody based on CO, so all we'd have to do is enforce it)? I can't live like this anymore.
im in the same boat. right
im in the same boat. right now, dh is asking me if he should try to get his daughter back, and i dont want her back. i also dont want to pay out the ass in the child support that will get transferred back to us because the bm shoots it all into her arm and provides nothing for her daughter. im torn between giving up on this piece of shit sd14 and having a normal life with my dh and bkids or continue to try to save her/change her what ever the hell you call it when she just wants to get high and screw her boyfriends....he wants me to tell him its ok to walk away from her. not my kid!!!
I feel for you! A junkie
I feel for you! A junkie mother, nice...I can see where it would be hard to send SD back to that environment. SS biomom just sucks. She's living with a roomate now and has no living space for SS, so he'll stay with his grandma this summer when he goes to visit. DH doesn't want to allow a lengthy visit because he's afraid he'll be twice the mess when he comes back, but by the same token, we all desperately need a break from his bullshit. My hope of hopes is that he'll just stay there, but as my DH says, he'll never get the help he needs unless he's with us. My take--at what cost to us? It makes me feel selfish to want him out of my life because I hate dealing with all his nonsense, but I have little impressionable minds to consider, and that will rule my thoughts. I hope the normal peaceful life is within your reach soon, step-hell sucks a big one...Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel less alone.
That's the punchline. We
That's the punchline. We actually went to court a few years ago to change the CO to allow my husband to have primary custody, and she fought it and won. Then, last fall, we get a string of dramatic phone calls from SS saying his stepfather and mother are fighting physically and SS got thrown into a wall. Because of some law, SS had to find a different place to live because of a restraining order or something, and BM was hoping he could stay with us until she got back on her feet. DH jumped at the chance and was shocked that I instantly developed cold sores and started shaking when he told me the "fantastic news".
In a nutshell, he was being super aggressive and was uncontrollable at BM's house, so she sent him to us. He has not shown any signs of aggression since he arrived here, but I truly feel it is just a matter of time. He was committed to a mental health facility for a month three weeks after he arrived on our doorstep for truancy, running away, fighting at school and claiming to hear/see/feel hallucinations. He was on Adderall and Prozac at the time, and docs believe his hallucinations were caused by the stimulant. Now he's just on prozac, but he can't function having unmedicated ADHD, so docs are going to try a non-stimulant treatment. He has an unstable brain condition, so I don't have high hopes it will work.
SS has asked BM repeatedly to move back with her, but so far she is telling him no (as far as we know--they are both consummate liars).
Doc came up with a wide variety of diagnostic possibilities; said he doesn't really fit into any one obvious set of diagnostic criteria. Top of the list is borderline intellectual functioning with adhd. Doc recommended treatment foster care rather than a group setting for him because he is so easily influenced. It came out that this route was also recommended to BM, but she is of the mind that no one understands her son better than her. I don't know if treatment foster care involves a surrender of parental rights or what, but I sure wish it would be considered.
He doesn't seem to be harmful to himself right now, but has been in the past. He's not hurting the little ones, he mostly ignores them and goes over the top with kisses and hugs when he leaves the house or when they get ready for bed. He's never done anything blatantly wrong or harmful to them, he's just really awkward and creepy and doesn't set a good example. Smart mouth: check. Pigstye room: check. Terrible hygiene: check. Disgusting table manners, oh wow. He's just so wrong in so many ways. He's been violent towards DH in the past, but not since he's been here.
The big problem is SS15 impacton DH and the house in general. You can cut the tension here with a knife. I won't live this way.
Thank you so much for your response. I think I will gather my thoughts and discuss this with him--I'm so terrible at confrontation, but this has to change.