Welcome! At 12 if she's talking to you that's a good thing! (Provided its not rude). We have pretty similar stories. For me, I work weekends so the akward times are less noticeable. Rather than staying cooped up in your room, is there a class you can take or go for a walk?

She can be provided with earphones for listening to TV also which allows the public sound to be turned completely off. It's almost weird - the TV is on, the kid starts laughing out of nowhere and you realize she's watching TV. Same with anything that makes noise - computer - audio player - game console - etc. Insist that ear phones be used or she uses it in her room.

Insist that her TV be limited - its better for the kid anyway - if Daddy balks at that insist that your TV time have priority keeping in mind that perhaps your TV equipment can allow you to record shows you want to see. Be reasonable about it as she's only there for the weekend.

Tell Daddy that you want the visit changed to 2 a month. Perhaps 2 weekends and one Sunday dinner at a restaurant near her home which you can attend or not. It is your home also and you do have rights so gently but forcefully use them.

Welcome!

It's really important you set boundaries because this is YOUR home. That's not to be confused with discipline - leave that to dad (but still insist he follows through!)

Rules of the house? Think about her as your new little roommate. NOT as his special daughter. What do you need and expect from a roommate? Respect (she seems to show that to you, so yay!) an understanding of shared space (not so much, by what you've written) and sharing in household tasks (again, not her strong area!)

So layout with your husband what you need, and be specific. Do not be timid, this is your home too!

For example:

Noises: set times to allow it when it is tolerable to YOU (no piano playing except to practice at xx o'clock. Wear your headphones to watch tv in the morning, etc.) whatever YOU need.

Household chores: she NEEDS to participate for the good of her future. It's valuable lesson time. Plus, to feel she has a stake in the place, she has to have responsibility too. My kids and skids only have 1 chore per week, that takes about 20 minutes. And saves me an hour and headaches. Have her pick her most favourite chore, but she must so something! And everyone does the cleaning at the same time ( no one sits and watches tv while others work. That's not cool.

Putting your stamp on the home: pick two or three things she has put in public rooms that YOU like (or can stomach lol) and when she is not there take all the other ones and put them in her room. I would suggest that you hang them all in a special place in her room, so that she feels they are still important - but that is up to you. In my experience, it has been proven to me that 12-year-old girls will just allow things to sit in a pile and never actually do anything with them. So you may be doing her a favour if you were to hang up all her pictures on her wall and make it look pretty. Then take the two or three items of hers that you like, and incorporate them with your own interior design ideas of your new home.

Future "Artwork" which are aka attempts at demonstrating her position as the woman of the house: well for starters, putting artwork on the TV is obviously ridiculous. But your stepdaughter knows that this is ridiculous, so just have a good laugh and say "we can't leave it there, can we?" And then suggest she put it in her room, and TAKE it there! (this particular maneuver is key actually, anything you don't want laying around, you must physically pick it up and remove it. Do not make the mistake of telling someone to move it. You will drive yourself crazy doing that, because they will not move it.). Just do it with a smile!

Finally, get her involved in a free community class of some sort, that dad must take her to. Just an hour with them out of the house will bring you immense peace, and will force him to spend one on one time with her without the TV babysitting. Most public libraries offer free movie rentals. You could even send them to the library together to pick out a movie for you all to watch. Anything to encourage them to do something together and get out of the house.

You are starting out well, but don't be timid. This is your happiness, your future. It will NOT get better if you pretend it's not happening.

I would get her a TV for her room with a DVD player. She my not use it now, but when she gets a little older she will and it will allow you some time to yourself. We have 2 couches in our family room and the Skids would lay down and take over. Initially during the years that they lived here, I would walk away, but now I don't care and make them move. I know this sounds childish, but when I knew the skids were coming over, I would plop myself in front of the TV and pause whatever show I was watching if I had to get up for something. They all had TVs in their room so it forced them to go upstairs and not take over our family room.
Regarding the pictures, I agree with others she can not take over your house with her stuff. She can have a few things out and explain that when new things are made, she can exchange them. Everything else goes in her room.
I moved into the marital home too, always made me feel like the outsider. I moved in 10 years ago, I have slowly made it my own. The 1st thing was a new bed, we got that while we were still dating. New couches, paint, carpet,...all done slowly, but it is finally becoming more my house.
You are lucky, so far she is being "nice" to you, it will change once she hits her teenage years.

You seem to get along well with her, that's great! She likes you, that's even better! I think some of it is that you're still getting used to people in your space and accommodating others in your movements around the house... and it's new space which makes it even harder. I totally get it, I had the same thing when I moved into my BF's house. I was with him when he bought it, but didn't actually make the official move for a few months. Everything in here has my stamp on it, but yet it didn't feel like home for a really long time. I felt smothered some days, but once I realized that I needed to be alone sometimes, because it was what I was used to, I didn't feel guilty about staying up after BF went to bed for alone time, going in the bedroom and closing the door to watch TV, etc. The best thing was, making a point to get out of the house when the skids were here. Just get out and drive or go to the store...without anyone else. I got mani/pedi's very often back then. LOL It kind of pushed the suffocating demons back for awhile. Needing it lessened over time on it's own, but when I start getting that feeling to this day, I find something else to do or somewhere else to go and don't feel guilty about it. It's liberating.

It sounds to me like you've got the right idea. She is there to see her dad and bond with him. If I were you, for your own sanity, I would just stay out of it like you already are.

Eventually you and your husband will probably have children of your own and move into a different house.

Everything will fall into place, don't you worry. You are doing fine so far especially if she doesn't hate you.

Aaarrgggghhh!! The frickin' DISNEY channel and taking over of the family room...constantly! I can't wait until that phase is over.

My SD doesn't have any chores either, but why should she, she's only here half the time (being sarcastic).

You and I are in the same boat. I've been dating my long term boyfriend (the love of my life) for over three years now. When I first moved in with him, there are pictures and drawings all over the places. The house was previously decorated by the stupid BM and she has absolutely no taste! The house looks crazily ugly. It just looks like his ex wife, like a Christmas tree.

BM doesn't give me any problems because she is also preoccupied with her own life. I have to give her credit where credit is due. She is a decent BM who doesn't give us troubles as long as we don't give her any troubles (we never do) My boyfriend hates her, so I at least have nothing to worry about.

The only differences between you and I is that my boyfriend's daughter is truly spoiled and she doesn't behave like a good kid at all. I'd rather hide in the bedroom when she visits. She wants my boyfriend all to herself and she comes to see him every other week. The whole week is just weird. I have been dealing with this situation for three years and I still have troubles adjusting.

Thinking about dealing with this kid for another 10 something years get me really depressed. I feel I only have my boyfriend half of the time. She has a weird medical condition and needs some kind of medical attention. There are a lot of food she simply cannot eat and I have to cook two different kinds of dishes when she is around.

Annoying, annoying, annoying. The house still doesn't look like mine although I redecorated. She has to have her pictures all over the places, the pictures with my boyfriend. Her stupid ugly drawings are all over the wall and I just hate seeing them.

Go out to a craft-type or decorating store and find a large pretty box. Or maybe even one of those "under the bed" kinds of things. Tell your SD that you really like her artwork and her projects, and so you've got this box to store them in. That way, when she is older and all grown up, you will give them back to her and she can see all the cool stuff she made when she was young - maybe she can even keep them to show her own kids some day!

Since you do seem to have a good relationship, and this young girl is trying to include you in her life (talking, etc.) try to capitalize on that. Maybe one day per month when she visits, just the two of you could do something together. Go to a craft store and do a project, take in a piano/music concert somewhere, etc. Find something that you can bond over.

I am envious of you, in a way. My SO's skids never showed any interest in me whatsoever, and still don't and they are grown adults now. All I really wanted was for them to at least communicate with me as a human being and show a little interest. But I never got it. You are lucky in that regard.

Welcome, I'm new here too. I am SD to three girls with no biological children of my own. They are 12, 10, and 8 now. I met their mother after getting divorced from their dad 4 years ago. It was a tough transition from living in my own condo as a single guy to being married with 3 stepdaughters. It hasn't been all smooth sailing though, the oldest girl, now 12, is very protective of her father and is essentially refusing to have a relationship with me. I have a great relationship with the other two. The oldest one is, at times, disrespectful towards me and sometimes her mother. She is not happy that her parents got divorced and no happier that her mother got remarried. Her biological father is not a bad guy although he is not a great father. He financially supports them but is not a "hands on" type of guy. The girls have very little emotional connection with him, especially the youngest two.

Well, as I said, I am new here and wanted to start out with an introduction. I will post more soon. I am hopeful that this will be a useful site for me as a fairly new stepdad.