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collaborative vs parallel parenting

snowdrop's picture

Submitted by snowdrop on Sun, 04/28/2013 - 1:15pm

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General Discussion

Interesting side by side comparison-- where do your DH and skids' BM fall on this continuum?

http://www.nocourtdivorce.com/Parenting/co-parentingparallel-parenting.html

snowdrop's picture

Submitted by snowdrop on Sun, 04/28/2013 - 1:25pm

exactly, you can't go parent with crazy.... you just have to find ways to keep yourself protected.

snowdrop's picture

Submitted by snowdrop on Sun, 04/28/2013 - 10:50pm

My DH and skid' BM definitely do "parallel" parenting. I know that some people can do co-parenting successfully but it seems to require two sane responsible people, my skids' BM Is neither. Likewise, I think that if the DH doesn't have good boundaries or is used to BM "calling the parenting shots" then it may look like "co-parenting" but in reality it is just him bending over backwards for BM to avoid conflict, etc. I think for many couples there is too much conflict and crisis in the beginning any way for this to work (maybe down the road for some?)

Early on after BM and DH's separation that is exactly what DH did. He tried to keep the peace and appease BM while forcing a smile on his face. He even let her continue to live in his house for nearly a year after they decided to separate (While he was waiting for the divorce to officially go through). Under the surface he was steaming and buying his time until she signed the papers. HE didn't want to risk a contested custody/ divorce case with her. She was so stupid and happy with the arrangement--- she wanted to do all of the fun kid things, be there for all of the memories, but have none of the responsibilities. By then she had signed the divorce papers and was all moved out, finally DH was able to start telling her no and confronting the crap she was doing to skids. Why wouldn't she have wanted that to continue forever? She got to have fun and pretend like the was a parent while DH did all of the heavy lifting (Financial support, bailing her out when something came up on "her time," even providing her with housing! it makes me sick to think about it, stupid bitch. but my dh and I had the last laugh. I wish it could be better, but there's no way in hell that I would attempt anything but parallel parenting with her.

OhioTeach's picture

Submitted by OhioTeach on Sun, 04/28/2013 - 9:50pm

Four days a MONTH we get to try to correct the bratty, whiny, demanding behaviors the BM allows. She obviously rules the roost with her but at our house my dh won't stand for it and neither will I. BUT if he tries to co-parent, she says he just puts down on the kid and never has anything good to say! So now, when she does want his opinion, he remains silent. I can't wait until she is clinically diagnosed bipolar. Blum 3

Kimommy's picture

Submitted by Kimommy on Mon, 04/29/2013 - 11:49am

Parallel, at least with the skids. Bio-kids mine is somewhere in between. Is it just me, or does the parallel parenting on there sound like it's self-centered? I don't see anything wrong with keeping conversation to "business"....?

all4myfamily's picture

Submitted by all4myfamily on Wed, 05/01/2013 - 1:48pm

My DH and BM are horrible at both forms of parenting methods. They tried a mix of coparenting, but BM is crazy so that does not work. As soon as she feels she is loosing control, she gets worse if that is even possible. So now DH is trying parallel parenting and she is the worst she has ever been. Boundaries have been established and DH is parenting on his own but her loss of control over him has made her go mad. Constant threats of police and court to solve minor issues like vacation time that is a year away. I am not sure that some people can coparent or parallel parent. What do you do in that situation if there is 50/50 custody? I understand that there needs to be some communication, but no joke yesterday she emailed over 20 times about a vacation request that was explained cut and dry in their decree. Even with boundaries a crazy BM is impossible to parent with.